OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

MIDLIFE
Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquird mustache. Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans, we are flying squirrels in drag. Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear without turning around.
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat! Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too"!
Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film. Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water. The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife. Jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.
Midlife is when your 1970's Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally(more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin). Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.
You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions: what is life, why am I here and how much Healthy Choice icecream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? -Author Unknown