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Lubyann Hausmann
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Jokes & Quotes
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Click Jokes, Quotes or Toasts below to read some of our favorites.
| JOKES | QUOTES | TOASTS |
Or click a link to view, print, or download our good clean short and long jokes.
Read some good clean jokes!
JOKES
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says, "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position and shows it to the druggist. The man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife.
He looks at the photo and says, "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription....."
A string walks into a bar and the bartender barks, “We don’t serve strings here! Get out!”
This made the little string very upset. He was so angry he tied himself into a knot and messed up his hair. The string stormed right back into the bar walking directly to the bartender and demanded service.
The bartender said, “I told you we don’t server strings. You’re a string aren’t you?”
The string replied, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep,"the wife replied, "in-laws."
download the above jokes BergenMeisters Humor File #3 MS Word
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Someone once said of an acquaintance: She had the Midas touch. Everything she touched turned into a muffler.
Senator Fred Thompson from Tennessee once confessed: "I've still got a lot to learn about money. Why, yesterday I accidentally spent some of my own money."
My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's ninety-seven now and we don't where the heck she is.
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch up my X-rays.
After twelve years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
A quote from Mae West . . . “I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.”
A man and a woman meet in a bar. She says: "Your place or mine?" He says: "Hey, if it's going to be a hassle, forget it."
How many men does it take to open a beer? None, It should be opened by the time she brings it...
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Bigamy is to have one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% . . . . . . a wedding cake.
FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of what they already know we don't have any of?
When someone asks you, a penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.
download the above jokes BergenMeisters Humor File #2 MS Word
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Weird Coincidence . . .
Two men were playing golf on a Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.
"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through...enough is enough."
He started walking toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."
The other man shrugged. He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said, "Small world!"
Pain in the . . .
Little Johnny was at Sunday school when they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. He seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created one of one of Adam's ribs. Later that week, his mother noticed him lying down on his side as if he was seriously ill.
"What's the matter, Johnny?" she asked.
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Hearing aid . . .
An old man was bragging about his new hearing aid. "It's the most expensive I've ever had--it cost $3,000."
His friend asks: "What kind is it?"
He says: "Half past four!"
download the above jokes BergenMeisters Humor File #1 MS Word
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QUOTES
"It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech."
- Mark Twain
"Humor is mankind's greatest blessing."
- Mark Twain
"The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public."
- Sir George Jessel
"A sharp tongue is the only edged instrument that grows keener with constatnt use."
- Washington Irving, The Sketch Book
"I leave when the pub closes."
- Winston Churchill
"There are hundreds of languages in the world but a smile speaks them all"
- Author Unknown
"Be aware that the only ceiling life has is the one you give it."
- Author Unknown
"When I have to choose between the lesser of two evils, I pick the one I haven't tried before".
- Mae West
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
- Henry David Thoreau
"If one advances confidently in the directions of his dreams, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours."
- Henry David Thoreau
“Imagination is more important than knowledge”
- Albert Einstein
"Don’t try to become a person of importance. Try to become a person of value."
– Albert Einstein
“My brain is the key that sets me free.”
- Harry Houdini
“Take a chance! All life is a chance. The man who goes the furthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare.”
- Dale Carnegie
“Don’t wait for extraordinary opportunities. Seize common occasions and make them great.”
- Orison Swett Marden
“Whatever you can do, or dream, you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.”
- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
“We must use time as s tool, not as a couch.”
- John F. Kennedy
“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”
- Theodore Roosevelt
“Well done is better than well said.”
- Benjamin Franklin
“If your ship doesn’t come in – swim out to it!”
- Jonathan Winters
“The only thing that will stop you from fulfilling your dreams is you.”
- Tom Bradley
“To be a great champion you must believe you are the best. If you’re not, pretend you are.”
- Muhammad Ali
“Hitch your wagon to a star.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
“They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”
- Andy Warhol
“Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”
- Victor Borge
"The smallest act of kindness is better than the grandest intention."
- Oscar Wilde
"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it."
- William Arthur Ward
ý"There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."
- Nelson Mandela
ý"If you want to go quickly, go alone. If you want to go far, go together."
- African Proverb
More coming soon!
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TOASTS
Anniversary Toasts
With one look into your eyes
You cannot disguise
Your zest for life
As man and wife
-- Michael Varma, DTM
Reprint premissions granted from www.TastefulToasts.com
You are blessed from above
With devotion and love
I have a good notion
To second His motion
We bid you good cheers
Partners in love for many more years
-- Michael Varma, DTM
Reprint premissions granted from www.TastefulToasts.com
Also see Wedding Toasts
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Birthday Toasts
Another candle on your cake?
Well that's no cause to pout,
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the darn things out!
-- Michael Varma, DTM
Reprint premissions granted from www.TastefulToasts.com
We celebrate your birth
The day you came to earth
I’m sure you’ve been told
Your friendship is gold
Complete with love and mirth
-- Michael Varma, DTM
Reprint premissions granted from www.TastefulToasts.com
Tenderly we joke and tease
Candles blown out with a wheeze
Sharing in your birthday feast
We wish you 50* more – at least!
*Substitute 20, 30, 40, 60, 70, 80, 90
-- Michael Varma, DTM
Reprint premissions granted from www.TastefulToasts.com
I wish that everyone you know could be here for this day
But truth is some just had to go they really could not stay
They loved the food, they loved the drink, they loved the birthday games
But when they lit the candles, several burned up in the flames
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Drinking Toasts
Bottoms up
Tops down
Wear a smile
Not a frown
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Friendship Toasts
Thoughts of love
Should be spoken
Bonds of friendship
Never be broken
-- Michael Varma, DTM
Reprint premissions granted from www.TastefulToasts.com
Kindness is tough to give away
It returns to you with twice the pay
A donor’s advice
Always be nice
Whether at home, work, or play
-- Michael Varma, DTM
Reprint premissions granted from www.TastefulToasts.com
You are unique
Morals sublime
Character rich
One of a kind
-- Michael Varma, DTM
Reprint premissions granted from www.TastefulToasts.com
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New Years Toasts
Here’s to friends we’ve yet to meet
Here’s to those here; all here I greet
Here’s to childhood, youth, old age
Here’s to prophet, bard and sage
Here’s to your health—may all be bright
On this New Year’s night
Here’s to a health of homely rhyme
To our oldest classmate, Father Time;
May our last survivor live to be
As bold and wise and as thorough as he
---Oliver Wendall Homes
I drink it as the Fates ordain it
Come, fill it, and have done with rhymes
Fill up the lonely glass, and drain it
In memory of dear old times
---William Makepeace Thackeray
Whatever you resolve to do
On any new year’s day
Resolve to yourself to be true
And live the same old way
I resolve this year to shed some pounds
I’m going to lose some weight
But the dinner sure looks good today
I guess the weight can wait
Here’s to a bright new year
And a fond farewell to the old
Here’s to the things that are yet to come
And the memories we hold
Here’s to your health this New Year’s night
Wishing your future is wealthy and bright
-- Michael Varma, DTM
Reprint premissions granted from www.TastefulToasts.com
Look to your future
Remember your past
It takes twenty-twenty
For good fortune to last
-- Michael Varma, DTM
Reprint premissions granted from www.TastefulToasts.com
Every year it comes around
Resolutions can be found
Have a vision, have a dream
It’s easier than it seems
Avoid the worry, avoid the fear
Time to get yourself in gear
-- Michael Varma, DTM
Reprint premissions granted from www.TastefulToasts.com
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Thanksgiving Toasts
Here’s to the turkey I’m about to eat
And the turkeys I’ll eat it with
To our national birds
The American Eagle
The Thanksgiving Turkey
May one give us peace in all our states
And the other a piece for all our plates
I’ve been asked by our gracious host
To raise my glass and offer a toast
Traveling from North, South, West or East
We partake in this bountiful feast
Whether surrounded by family or friend
We thank the Lord and say Amen
-- Michael Varma, DTM
Reprint premissions granted from www.TastefulToasts.com
The time has come for saying Grace
We close our eyes and bow our face
Thank you Lord for food so Holy
Praise to You in all Your Glory
Assembled in this house divine
Please bless us Lord before we dine
-- Michael Varma, DTM
Reprint premissions granted from www.TastefulToasts.com
We take some time to pause and think
And thank you for this food and drink
If a blessing is made in haste
It adds calories to our waist
Rest assured it’s been is said
We thank You for this wine and bread
-- Michael Varma, DTM
Reprint premissions granted from www.TastefulToasts.com
For this plate of food
We thank the Holy Dude
-- Michael Varma, DTM
Reprint premissions granted from www.TastefulToasts.com
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Wedding Toasts
Here’s to the bride and mother-in-law,
Here’s to the groom and father-in-law,
Here’s to the sister and brother-in-law,
Here’s to the friends and friends-in-law,
May none of them need an attorney-at-law.
I toast of behalf of myself,
And I toast on behalf of my spouse.
We’re glad you married our daughter,
And got her out of the house.
May there always be work for your hands to do.
May your purse always hold a coin or two.
May the sun always shine warm on your windowpane.
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
May thy life be long and happy,
Thy cares and sorrows few;
And the many friends around thee
Prove faithful, fond and true.
Here's to the new husband
And here's to the new wife
May they remain lovers
For all of life.
A basket of love and a cradle of kisses,
A pocketful of dreams and your most cherished wishes,
A rainbow in the sky and gold shining in your heart,
With smiles and tears, this is how your marriage starts.
Your marriage makes a perfect start
For every life is a work of art
Paint a picture filled with bliss
Treasured in your lover’s kiss
Wedding vows are truly strong
May yours last forever long
-- Michael Varma, DTM
Reprint premissions granted from www.TastefulToasts.com
There once was a groom and bride
Their parents were bursting with pride
Twas a beautiful sight
We witnessed tonight
Their love they could not hide
-- Michael Varma, DTM
Reprint premissions granted from www.TastefulToasts.com
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We will be posting more of our favorite toasts soon!
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Questions, comments, or suggestions? Contact our webmaster at PRO@BergenMeisters.org
Or find a Toastmasters club near you.
Questions, comments, or suggestions? Contact our webmaster at PRO@BergenMeisters.org
