POEMS BY ME

POEMS BY ME

IN MY SPARE TIME, I WRITE POETRY! I hope you will enjoy......Remember,a smile a day keeps the wrinkles and frowns away!

THE DANCE
by Linda V. Stewart, 4-23-06

We danced our socks off!
The Clear Lake Minnow-Pauser's dance was last night,
The Red Hatters big fifties blast,
The ladies arrived wearing poodle skirts,
The men sported duck tails with class.

Some people call it Swing Acrobatics!
The Swing Dancing teachers, showed us some steps,
Demonstrating how we should be groovin'
Our own Lady Swinger was strutting her stuff,
They inspired us to really get movin',

You should have seen Heidi doing the Hokey Pokey!
The Jailhouse Rock dancers jumped out of their cells,
So their mean guard gave each a quick frisk,
The Kazoo Khorus blew row, row your boat,
Then the DJ spinned disc after disc!
Lady Sing-A-Lot Joan sang of trusty vibrators,
Queen Mother sang about kissing frogs,
Ms. Sara long legs sang a slow, sexy song,
The men panted like horny old dogs!

How many frogs must a poor girl kiss?
The Purple People Eater danced for the crowd,
Flapped her wings as she blew her own horn,
When her tight purple shorts got a wedgie,
Someone yelled, "Is this corny or porn?"
There were weinies and chips and chili galore,
The loud music drowned out our bad gas.
They danced their legs off and played Name That Tune,
Drinking giggle juice out of their flask.

Char tried, but she couldn't
quite catch on to "The Birdie" dance!
A chocolate fondue pot was left behind,
Outside in the parking lot,
Someone didn't want their prize,
Finders keepers, I found it, so what?
Two baker ovens and two brown baskets,
Were left at Masonic Hall,
But I know who the owners are,
Tomorrow I'll give them a call.
A forgetful Red Hatter left behind,
A gorgeous red cape I adore,
But, who left the Depends diaper,
In the middle of our dance floor?
Did they laugh so hard they peed their pants??

Did you have fun?
"Well...That depends", she said!
There were no used condums in the men's room,
Just an empty Viagra prescription,
Sometimes when oldsters all get together,
The truth is as funny as fiction!
The Singing DJ was a microphone hog,
We could tell that he loves what he does,
He was definitely not a bump on a log,
What a great performer he was!

Gary Carnes, The Singing DJ
did a fantastic job!
We all did the Bunny Hop, The Stroll and the Bop,
We were wheezing and sneezing and sweating,
We stayed 'til the end, we all made some new friends,
T'was a night we'll not soon be forgetting!

The crowd did the Bunny Hop around the entire dance floor! Whew!

HOPSCOTCH
� by Linda V. Stewart
02/24/2006
I was dreaming of sugar plums, dancing in my head,
Just before it was time to get up out of bed,
When I tossed one leg out, like I do to get cool,
My foot landed into a mushy, wet pool.
It did not come up smelling like any rose,
I awoke with some offal permeating my nose.
A collar bell rang as the dog hit the floor,
Good morning I said, as he ran out the door.
In the grand scheme of things, this is one more small smudge,
I�ve learned that it�s best to pretend it�s just fudge.
An obstacle, a curve, one more challenge for me,
A problem to solve, but first, can I go pee?
Lately there�s too many lows and no highs,
Suddenly my bladder was right between my eyes,
So, I laid in bed crying, not feeling mature,
How silly to cry for spilt milk or manure.
So, I rose out of bed doing hopscotch to miss,
All the gooey dog mess, as I longed for some bliss,
I gagged, then I laughed, but my husband overheard,
I said �Hopscotch is fun when your marker�s a turd!�

There's just no way
I can clean up dog mess!
I'll have to tell him!

�Did the dog squeeze a loaf?� Honey said with a curse,
I said, �Just a few, I know you�ve seen it worse!�
On the universe blackboard this is barely a speck,
But a straw broke the camel�s back on his last trek.
No, my back is not broken, and I can still walk,
It�s just a small crack, and I�ll soon find the caulk.
When troubles abound you and there�s no end in sight,
Play HOPSCOTCH, my friend, or just go fly a kite.

GO FLY A KITE......

BUTT CRACK IN COURT
(C) Linda V. Stewart
02/02/02
Her ex got on the elevator; I was in back,
I was shocked to observe his big fat crack.

He isn't a plumber either!
His Daddy was there behind him too,
Oblivious hillbillies, without a clue!
Wouldn't be so bad, but he's not a plumber,
His Dad looked dumb, but he looked dumber.
It's a custody hearing between the mom and dad,
And each day that goes by, the boy is more sad,
He asks if he did something wrong,
He wonders why he can't go home.
Their star witness failed the test,
The lawyers claim they know what's best,
The judge just listens, so he can decide,
Where this six year old child should abide.
He'll stay with Dad or Mom 'til May,
The judge will say with HER, I pray.
There will be a formal trial then,
So, we'll be going through this once again.

Sara and the judge declared....
There will be no bare butt cracks
allowed in this court!!!
I think the judge is swayed our way,
When he looks at them, his face turns grey,
Red Necks don't make great impressions,
We'll see how it goes in the next session.
When my ex-son-in-law took the stand,
His lawyer should've fainted or at least slapped his hand,
He said his last lawyer claimed he had no real case,
And told him as a father, you're a big disgrace.
Last night Wyatt sobbed and cried on the phone,
He said, "Grandma, I don't want to be alone!"
"I miss my Mom....I want her NOW!"
"I don't want to be here anyhow!"

Who forced my Dad to make me stay?"
"Why can't I see my Mom today?"
I told him his Mom would come right this minute,
But, your Dad locked the door and won't let her in it.
How can a father watch his son's heart break,
If he really loves him, send him HOME for God's sake!

SMILES AND TEARS
� 01/31/2006 Linda V. Stewart
Dedicated to my daughter, Sara

In a storm, the bluebird still sings....
Why is that Bluebird chirping,
as if this is his finest day?
As squirrels are busy hiding acorns,
and watching a homeless cat play.

Dig the well before you're thirsty....
While the lake outside my window,
has waves of giant size,
As clouds of dismal gray are forming,
like the tears in my daughter�s eyes.
It�s the ebb and flow of smiles and tears;
the stones we�re thrown that we most fear,
As the Bluebird the squirrel and the homeless cat,
continue their missions in a party hat.

Party when you can.....
and say your prayers each night.
No one told them that life goes on,
and that life is sometimes unfair,
They instinctively seem to know,
that good times just might be rare.
Smiles and tears are close to the same,
For without tears we�d say �Why smile?�
Smiles are rewards for a journey well-traveled,
if you walked in my shoes for a while.

RED HATTERS AT THE GOLDEN GATE
(c) Linda V. Stewart
January 29, 2006
Professional poets and Lake County writers
Gathered late on a cold winter day,
Recitals of serious poetry flourished;
All their third eyes looked ever so gay.
Some men had beards and long pony tails,
Wearing spectacles and being intellectual,
Such brilliant vocabularies, they solemely spoke,
Not suspecting the next act was sexual.
When the MC invited her up on the stage,
He wondered what poems she would know,
The woman had come to showcase her art,
Resembling an old Marilyn Monroe.
In her black velvet dress and spike-heeled shoes,
She stalked up with a great deal of flaunting,
She threw back her unruly bottle bleached hair,
With a style that left every man wanting.
When she put on her CD, we saw who she was,
A short white Tina Turner disguise,
Mouthing the words "Better Be Good to Me",
As she winked and enthralled all the guys.

Is this the real Tina Turner?

Or is this?
The white haired MC was in awe as she danced,
His mouth opened and drooled from his tongue,
Said he was hung over from last night's drunk,
But, by now, he was just well hung.

Was he hungover or just.....hung?
The crowd got so quiet, and some had to blush,
Every man's eyes were glued to her chest,
The church ladies probably thought, Oh, MY OH MY,
Could this be a cleavage contest?
The weird lady before her, wore a push-up bra,
And she wrote of her husband's buck knife,
She read silly poems 'bout diarrea and dead cats,
I'm surprised she was anyone's wife......
If you've ever heard of a club called Red Hats,
Then you'll know that these ladies were them,
They will spit in the street, and eat dessert first,
On a dare hang tits up on a limb.
Believe it or not, once upon a time,
Some of them have been church ladies too,
'Til one of them said, "Hey, this isn't much fun,
I think we should try something new!
So, they wear purple clothes, they color their hair,
With a flare, they all don their red hats,
They cuss, they drink and they talk about sex,
They say it's not just for bad alley cats.
When their time is up and they head on up yonder,
They'll both meet at the same Golden Gate,
The church ladies rush in, the Red Hatters will pause, 'Cause they won't make old St. Peter wait!

REMEMBER I LOVE YOU WYATT! Love Mom

THE PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH
� Linda V. Stewart Friday Jan. 13, 2006
Written by your Grandma Little Stuart
His triple decker peanut butter sandwich,
Has dried up on the plate,
There�s nothing that his mom can do,
But wait, and wait and wait.

Wait, and wait and wait!
There is no laughter in her home,
There is no boy to eat,
There is no Sponge Bob on the floor,
There are no running feet.
If that peanut butter sandwich,
Could talk, then it would say,
I�d love to be in your tummy,
Then, we could run and play.
Run and play, play and run,
And pray some in between,
And tell me that you love me,
As you roll on grass so green.

Mom, I wanna come home!
But, the triple decker sandwich,
Is in the freezer now,
He waits for chubby fingers,
And to hear the boy say, �WOW� !

Carolina by the Dozen
by Linda V. Stewart
12/27/05
I visited my daughter Sara and family in North Carolina for 2 weeks, 11/28/05 to 12/13/05.

Daughter Sara and her husband, Mike

We're having Thanksgiving and Christmas,
With my daughter in the Carolina pines,
Her wedding was one dozen months ago,
And this month is her birthday and mine.

A Carolina Pine tree
There's a dozen dogs in her laundry room,
Mama Dog and eleven newborn mutts,
Their cat's on top of the washing machine,
(She just finished cleaning her butt.)

Sara's dog Macy Gray has 11 puppies!

Entertainment is watching the newborn pups nurse,
When we smoke in the laundry room,
Meal time feels like The Walton Family,
She roasts turkey and I grab a broom.

The Walton family
(Not really, it's us!)
Just when your heart's full as the dog's water bowl,
Piles of dirty clothes start to take form,
Life certainly has it's ups and it's downs,
Sunny days by the dozen; then a storm.
There is no fair warning, when a storm's on it's way,
But, it held off 'til I traveled back home,
Then, my poor daughter called with some very sad news,
As her broken heart cried on the phone.
They have taken her only child away,
He's the light of her life at age six,
A court order signed by a confused old judge,
'Cause his real Dad pulled illegal tricks.
It wasn't Santa who came to their door,
It was sheriffs that took him away,
From the mom and dad he loves so much,
Now they're crying for him every day.

"Mom, when can I come home?"
As he left, her son asked "Will they handcuff me, Mom?"
She said, "No, Son, you've done nothing wrong."
"Well, Don't worry, Mom, Dad won't be mean again,
But, I don't want to stay there too long."
The Christmas tree's waiting inside the boy's room,
His mom cries and waits by the phone,
Santa's gifts have been put in his closet,
They will play with him when he comes home.

Dog party during the holidays!
A dozen dogs howl at the Carolina moon,
For the dozen heart's broke since he left,
All the family awaits when the boy comes back home,
As his toys gather dust on the shelf.

"My real Dad used to drink 100 beers a day
but he said he quit drinking, Mom!"

Come home, Wyatt...
We miss you!

ANGELS CALLING......

(In memory of Linda Waychek and dedicated to her husband,Ross)
(c) 10/26/05 by Linda V. Stewart
She's the only one who heard the angels call her name,
They asked her, "Are you ready now?" then suddenly they came.
It saddens her to see your tears, but she knows why you grieve,
Your wedding vows had promised neither one would ever leave,
Goodbye was not a word she wanted her lips to impart,
And she isn't really gone, you know....she left behind her heart,
For those who really loved her; totally, without a doubt,
Her love will still surround them; that's what her life was about.
We'll all so miss her happy smile, her kind and helping hand,
But, believe that she is happier with angels, if you can.

IN MEMORY OF LINDA'S LIFE HERE ON EARTH

A POEM FOR MY SON-IN-LAW MIKE
(C)10/20/05 By Linda V. Stewart
Mike's beloved mother passed on a few days ago,
so, this I wrote especially for him.
I never thought I'd write a poem,
That's meant to coax a tear,
But, when Mama's go to Heaven,
It comes true, our greatest fear....
I believe no one is ever missed,
As much as mothers are,
Because they are your biggest fan,
In their eyes, you're a star!
You'll miss her so, as I do mine,
With every tear that flows,
But, they'll live on, in you and me,
And, in time, the grieving slows.

Someday in the great beyond,
She'll hold your hand once more,
Just keep her memory in your heart,
Of how she lived before,
Have you seen that pride,
In a mothers eyes, when she looks at her grown son?
I'm sure she looked at you that way,
And to her, you were number one!
Perhaps some of that rubbed off on me,
Although, we have never met,
I know you've been a very fine son,
And that, she'll not forget.
I wish that I could hug you now,
But, I'd never take her place,
But, I could try to be a substitute,
When you need a warm, soft place.
I love you, Mike.

Your mother-in-law LINDA

THE ADVENTUROUS SOUL
or
ODE TO CHAR
(c) Linda V. Stewart 9/2/05

Lady Happy Harbin
The lady has an adventurous soul,
That she could not release in the past,
Raising three little sons all alone was hard,
But, they finally grew up at last....
It's a hair-raising subject, the things she does now,
In between far-out haircuts and perms,
When she gives a massage, she creates a mirage,
And daydreams of a man who should burn.

Some men should burn in Hell!!
Is the BURNING MAN a symbol of,
A mass weinie roast of men,
Or just the arousal of passionate ones,
Who search for a kindred friend?

The MAN before he burned...
Is the hot and dry desert a symbol too,
Of the human thirst to belong,
Or has a cuckoo bird suddenly landed,
On a burning man tall as King Kong?
Whether she's grounded or landed now,
This adventurous soul seems to thrive,
I can't wait to hear all the stories about,
BLACK ROCK CITY in 2005 !!

CHAMPAGNE COMES STROLLING....
OR
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON-IN-LAW
(c) by Linda V. Stewart
08/18/2005
Enjoy the beans and don't ask why,
Say cheers with a few beers,
Champagne soon comes strolling by,
And a pot of gold appears....
For now your wallet is much thinner,
And there's no bread to get stale,
So take your wifey out to dinner,
Here's a few bucks to float your sail.

Love, Your Mother-In-Law Linda

ODE TO MY MOTHER-IN-LAW
or
.......SWEET LI'L OLE LADY
(c) 08/05/2005 by Linda V. Stewart
There's a very sweet li'l ole lady I know,
Who has not a dime to spare,
That's 'cause she gave it all away,
With a generous heart that's rare.
She never has been wealthy,
But selfish, she is NOT,
Her husband was a garbage man,
But, she saw that others got.
She's never been to Hawaii yet,
And never gone to France,
Never mattered to her 'bout where she's been,
She just enjoys "the dance".
"The Dance" to her was making sure,
That no one went without,
The weak, the poor, the misunderstood,
Among those she cares about.
Don't get me wrong about this widow lady,
She's never thought she's a saint,
She just never aspired to be,
Somebody that she ain't.
The lady never criticizes,
The beggar walking by,
She just keeps on believing,
But, for the grace of God, go I.
Who will lend a hand to her,
Whenever she's in need?
She never even thinks of that,
She just does the good deed.
I wonder if you know her....
She's the one with a soul that smiles,
The one who always helps you out,
That goes that extra mile.
My husband truly is lucky,
She's his dear sweet little mother,
Every child would love to have,
This mother like no other!
No wonder my husband's the very best,
She taught him how to love,
Mother Teresa was wonderful,
But, this one's the runner up.

RUN AND FALL, FALL AND RUN
(A poem for my grandson Wyatt, age 6)
(c) Linda V. Stewart 07/30/05
Your Granny sure does miss you,
But, I know you're having fun,
New friends, new roads to run on,
Watermelon in the sun.
Every time you fall and run,
And when you run and fall,
I wish I could kiss your knees,
And see you growing tall.
Your body's like a Great Dane,
But, right now you're just a pup,
I wish that I could hold your hand,
And watch you growing up.

Even Scooby Doo loves Wyatt
I'm glad you love your Mommy,
And you love your Daddy Mike,
But, I wish Granny could hug you,
When you fall off your bike.
It's been far, far too quiet here,
Since you don't come around,
But, I'll see you in November,
When leaves have all turned brown.

I cannot see you often, Wyatt,
But, my love keeps on growing,
I'll bring it to you when I come,
You'll see my old face glowing.
Grandpa and I will fly in a plane,
So look up toward the sky,
And please don't ever wonder,
If I love you, little guy.
Grandma loves you!

I'VE GOT TROUBLE
(c) Linda V. Stewart 07/29/05

(For my grandson, Drew, age 19)
Some things never change,
Like when a child keeps falling down,
He takes a risk.....He skins his knees,
Then he runs to Mama saying, "Kiss it please"....
But, he never takes the blame,
Some things stay the same.
His life is push and shove,
He left the nest, he tried his best,
Like a kid out of school, he broke the rules,
But,he cries, "It's just bad luck....
.....Mama, don't give up".

Help me, MOM!
He's crying......
Chorus 1:
OH, OH, I'VE GOT TROUBLE,
Can you get here on the double?
I need you to lend a hand for a little while.
OH, OH, I'VE GOT TROUBLE,
Somebody always pops my bubble,
But, a hundred dollar bill will make me smile.
When his life comes undone,
When he has nowhere else to run,
When he falls down, he calls her first,
He knows she'll kiss away the hurt,
When he cries "Nobody cares.....
...and life just isn't fair."
Bridge:
Life is so unfair, he says........
It slaps you down when you've done your best......
What is the lesson son? Look out for number one?
Chorus 2:
OH, OH, I'VE GOT TROUBLE,
Can you get here on the double?
I'm almost reduced to skin and bones,
OH, OH, I'VE GOT TROUBLE,
Somebody always pops my bubble,
If you can't spare the cash, can I come home?
......Mama, can you throw me one more bone?

My parents have passed on....
Can you spare a dime, Brother?

FOURTH OF JULY in CLEARLAKE
(c) Linda V. Stewart 07/05/05

Ohhhh, the carnival's leaving!!!

As I watch from a safe kitchen window,
The giant ferris wheels descend,
I can still smell the deep fried twinkles,
A sweet reminder in the wind.
The beer booth suddenly uprooted fast,
As the classic cars sputtered home,
The clowns are gone, all balloons are popped,
As our soldiers march alone.
But, our flag is waving at Austin Park,
To celebrate our land.
American the beautiful,
My heart is in my hand.

As I pledge to honor our mighty flag,
I think of those at war,
It's Independence Day for us,
As the soldiers fight at the core.
The fireworks exploding in the sky,
Clone our soldier's ammunition.
The 4th of July in the USA,
Is a very high-priced tradition.

As fireworks echo the sounds of war,
It sometimes makes me cry,
Knowing that our peace is bought,
With our son's and father's lives.

But, I'm thankful for our leaders,
Who strive for peace upon our soil,
Protecting us from enemies,
The vicious snakes that coil.
I praise our mighty leaders,
Mr. Bush, especially,
Even though he too must fear,
He fights for you and me.
Don't get me wrong, I DO want peace,
But, for everything there's a price,
It's sad, but true, that we must fight,
To live in paradise.

God Bless America....Our Paradise!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY
(c) 06/14/05 by Linda V. Stewart
Cheers, my husband, to the father you are,
You can be both sweet and wild,
We met too late, and my tubes were tied,
So, I could not bear your child.
You rock my grandson in your arms,
While I make your grandaughter Ramen noodles,

Thanks, Grandpa Stew!!!
And you put up a tree swing for all of them,
Bet they love your jeep rides, o-o-o-o-odles!
Maybe it's better to just share our kin,
Although sometimes, it feels like a test,
But, deep in my heart, I truly know,
As a dad you're better than the rest.

Let's ride in your jeep, Grandpa!
You're the best grandfather, and uncle and son,
Each role that you play is great,
Next time around, I won't get my tubes tied,
And I'll meet you before it's too late.
A baby Stewart, boy or girl,
We wouldn't care which one,
Maybe twins would be better yet,
That way, we could double the fun.
I love you, Your Wife, Linda
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

THE LAKE COUNTY SISTERHOOD
(An Ode to Rose Ford)
Your invitation was a great delight,
It put my happy heart to flight,
To ride upon the Clear Lake Queen,
With other red hats; what a dream!

This Queen was so elated to be invited!
I didn't intend to step on any toes,
And I still think the more hands you hold,
More friendships blossom and come to be,
So, I appreciate you invited me.
So, I merrily spread to them the word,
July 14th....hey, have you heard?
The Red Hat Peppers invited us,
But, tears soon turned my smile to rust.
The other hats were not invited,
It was an error that I'd recited,
Your invitation to me was then revoked,
And our Sisterhood was surely broke.
So, I climbed aboard the Sisterhood,
Of Red Hat ladies who are misunderstood,
Turns out you meant to ask just me,
And I did not know your boundaries.

You overstepped your boundaries,
Queen Shady Ladybug!!!
You were not supposed to notify anyone else!
I kindly accept your reprimand,
But admonishing can lose a friend,
Are apologies due for my not knowing,
Your sisterhood is SO NOT glowing?

What would Exalted Queen Sue Ellen say?
What would Sue Ellen think of this?
Do ya think you were kind of mean?
I'd rather ride a slow boat to China,
Than with you on the Clear Lake Queen.
By Queen Shady Ladybug
June 10, 2005
Linda Stewart
Clear Lake Minnow-Pausers of Clearlake Chapter #44680
RED HAT SOCIETY

WINGS OF FRIENDSHIP: A POEM FOR GEORGIA
(c)by Linda V. Stewart 05/24/05
___________________________________________
My young friend Georgia is such a great pal,
She gave me the courage to fly,
Like a bird hiding out in a solitude nest,
I was stuck there and didn't know why.

Repeat after me, Linda:
"I CAN DO THIS!"
She said Lindy Lou you can do it!
I'll help you to start a new club,
We can have some tea parties; play some fun games,
Drink martinis and smoke at the pub.

Georgia, I don't know if I can do it!!
Will you help me?
Invite a few friends and wear red hats,
Don't be afraid! We'll have fun!
You be the Queen Mum and I'll think of vices,
We'll do things we never have done.

Sometimes the water is muddy and scary.....
but you can swim if you try!!
She said I'm too young for a red hat,
But I'll wear a pink one for you,
We'll call it the Clear Lake Minnow-Pausers,
Come on, Linda, try something new!"

Come on Lindy Lou....
Try something new!!
I said, maybe I can if you help me,
She said, well, I'll be there when I can!
But don't expect me to be there all the time,
I'm your friend so I'll lend you a hand!
What I didn't know at the time I know now,
I had buried my head in the sand.
And Georgia was helping me dig my head out,
And the courage to say "Yes, I can!"

Georgia says,
"Head in sand, not good!"
So here I am Queen of the Clearlake Red Hats,
And only because of her shove,
How can I thank her for what she has done?
She gave me the gift that I love.
So, at every event with the Red Hatters now,
With the wings of her friendship I fly,
My nest is so full now with laughter and fun,
Like a river that never runs dry.

PAIN IN THE NECK
(c) Linda V. Stewart 05/23/2005
One of our members of our chapter, Clear Lake Minnow-Pausers recently had
to have neck surgery and is "laid up". She is our Lady Ellen, Jester Hysterian of our group!

GET WELL SOON, ELLEN!
We all miss you quite a bit,
But, we're aware you feel like shit,
You have a genuine "pain in the neck",
So get some sunshine; snooze on the deck,
Put on your silly Jester Beanie,
...and think of us when you sip a martini !

WHAT THEY LEFT BEHIND
(c) by Linda V. Stewart
04/18/2005
A partial pack of Capri cigarettes (actually only 3 left),
About 2 lbs. of ripe strawberries on the refrigerator shelf,
Along with a dozen little short cakes, and a stray banana or two,
But, dang that burned up oven she left from the oozing angel food.
A cool pair of sunglasses were left by my son (I'll bet he could kick himself),
But, he didn't forget his new baby son, and the leftovers were not left,
Fed him, a two egg, two sausage sandwich, even slid in 3 pieces of cheese,
His wife had one last cigarette with me, as Bobby dog scratched his fleas.
And, ah, the other forgetful child left me almost a pound of good bacon,
At least I got that good reward for the great big mess she was makin',
Her brother wolfed down the cake she'd left until he was almost sick,
And she left me a full pack of sunflower seeds, so I have no bones to pick.
The youngest gal whined that she had no food, so I let her steal lots of mine,
She wanted to cook for her new boyfriend, but she didn't want to spend a dime.
She never forgets a doggone thing, 'cause she always travels light,
All she brings is a toothbrush here, when she comes to spend the night.
One son-in-law is so well-trained, he cleaned up without me asking,
The other son-in-law is kind of new, but soon he'll too be tasking.
With tattooed eyebrows so expressive now, I smiled and gave them kisses,
I think I made the quota, even though I didn't wash dishes.
They've all gone home, and I'm washing the towels, even threw some Downey in,
One of them said, "Some people's towels stink!", and gave me a sly little grin.
The bathroom walls sort of echo, and we heard them say "What awful shampoo!"
(A mom should buy the best for her guests, so I'm glad they gave me a clue).
I smoked outside and didn't drink too much, I wanted them to approve,
I even turned the heat way up, but they said they were freezing here too.
Myself, I was sweating, hot flashes galore, but the baby was wearing gloves,
But, I did so try, to be just the kind of mom that everyone loves.
But, what they really left behind was a mom with a heart full of love,
They made me feel so special and for me that was more than enough,
And I'll enjoy the bacon today (I'll probably make a B.L.T.),
Just me and hubby, sittin' here gettin' tubby, now it's back to just he and me.

AN ODE TO A DICK (or So Long Gary Dick)
March, 2005
I wish his folks would have named him Richard,
It would've been such a kick,
To have a friend to introduce,
And say, "This is DICK, DICK !"
A detective is also called a "dick",
So he REALLY is "Dick Dick",
But if they'd named him Richard,
We could call him Dick Dick Dick !
But, Gary is a fine name to have,
And he's served The Rotary well,
The many years and umpteen beers,
Never caused his head to swell.
Now, he's got better things to do,
And a restless nose to pick,
He can listen to his whiskers grow,
What a lucky Dick, Dick, Dick!
We're sorry that he's leaving us,
'Cause his service was sublime,
The "ball and chain" of the Rotary Club,
Is better than "Hill Road" time.
Well, I'd better end this speech right now,
Hope this ode didn't make Dick nervous,
Let's give Gary Dick a huge applause,
To thank him for his service.

THANKS, DICK DICK!
(c)03/12/05 Linda V. Stewart, HIS WIFE

MY DOG BOBBY

Bob loves to chase cats...he only wants to play,
But when he almost catches one, he always runs away,
He's a little scaredy dog, he treasures his domain,
But, he does not appreciate his outhouse when it rains,

It's even worse when we get snow, he sinks up to his chest,
Chasing flies in mid-July is what my dog likes best.
You can hear his teeth a-clacking when he nabs them one by one,
Then, after that he takes a nap, a grabs some rays of sun.
Written by his mom, 2/9/05>

Here is what my husband Stew and I have been doing...
MY NEWS UPDATE IN A POEM I WROTE:
(C)2005 Jan. Linda V. Stewart
Quick note, poem style,
Laundry still a huge pile,
Mexico was lot's of fun,
Rode in car; back's undone......
Palm Springs, nice too,
Left hip, came unglued,
Last night, tummy ache,
Local cafe; burger steak,
Olives rancid, told them so,
Diarrea ......had to go!
Stayed up late,yesterday,
Back still hurts; now I pay,
Hot tub soothed pain in back,
Once again, need to pack.
Next trip, Elko snow,
Promised friends; gotta go,
25th taking off,
Back hurts when I cough.
Bills piled 2 feet deep,
Paid online; now I can sleep.
Dust bunnies and the toilet's green,
Maid is sick; she can't clean,
Teeth pulled, she's in pain,
Wish she had some novacaine.
Trees plead; need some pruning,
Guitar begs, needs tuning,
Laid down.... flat on bed,
"Chiropractor!", husband said.
Today my doggie sees vet,
Sist on leg, bigger yet.
Sister still not meek,
Seven months she won't speak,
Daughter Jetta's back home,
Gone a Month ...near Rome,
She met the love of her life,
Is she his future wife?
Son's wife, pregnant still,
They grin a lot; what a thrill !
Daughter Sara; moving soon,
Husband loves the Carolina moon,
Grandson; loud white guy,
Four feet tall; only five !
Daughter Salli, diets long,
Six weeks, going strong.
Her son, named Drew,
Missed school; had flu,
Mechanic school fixing cars,
He's not up to par, so far,
Me?.... I'm on a diet too,
Four days; sweets are few,
4 days, 4 pounds,
Keep no alcohol around.
A gal I know, flaps lips,
Says to diet, after trip.....!
I say, that's no way to go,
I'll get fatter, ho, ho, ho !
Planning future Red Hat fun,
I'm the Queen; under the gun,
Nice gals; love the club,
They like to smoke and visit pub,
Ad's in paper, house for rent,
Hope the tenant's Heaven sent,
Last ones had no owner pride,
We found two dead cats inside,
Hubby's got his work cut out,
Landlords often cuss and shout.
Tonight cook fish (no steak),
Rather have, chocolate cake.
Xmas decor still around,
It's 10am! I'm in my nightgown,
Lay down, just a while,
Feel my aching back smile,
Oops, no sheets, on the damn bed,
Poor me! I'm a sleepyhead.
To make my bed, hurts my back,
Force myself; blow my stack,
TV dinner, sounding swell,
Stepford wives can go to hell.

>WHEN I GET OLD.....
(c) by Linda V. Stewart Nov. 2004 When I get old, I shall wear overalls and only let her wash them on Sunday,
I will spit in the street just like I always did,
Except I won't care who's watching when I'm hocking...
I will wear my hard hat whether there is danger lurking above or not
Instead of mowing the lawn, I will order the area graveled and be lazy,
I will shoot the neighbor's cats who poop in my yard with my pellet gun,
and sing off-key in the shower afterward,and eat peanut butter from the jar, with a spoon.
I'll drive my wife to the Red Hat Sociey events in my overalls,
and pretend I am going deaf when she complains,
I will wear my slippers at all times in the house,
And sometimes to the store to get eggs and more bacon.....
I'll still bathe daily, but I won't be shaving much...
I'll be listening to my whiskers grow on the back porch,

Take a nap now and then too...
Enjoying the fruits of my labor, and picking my nose....
....and if I break wind, I'll just blame it on the dog,
Even though I buried him last week in the back yard when my wife wasn't looking.
Old men can cut their toenails,
and hide them beneath the nightstand,
And eat ice cream straight out of the carton,
And get hernias if they do Yoga,
and have long conversations about toe fungus medicine,
and the benefits of not wearing underwear.
I'd better start doing some of this wacky stuff now,
or people might think I've got Alkzheimer's,
If abruptly, I paint my army jeep RED to match my hard hat
and start to wear overalls to church,
never remember to put the toilet seat down
and use my bucknife to cut steak in restaurants!
<2>(IN ANSWER TO the "Warning, When I am Old I shall wear purple" poem, written by Jenny Joseph.
I wrote this one for my husband's HARDHAT BROTHERHOOD Chapter #000027
The official website is www.hardhatbrotherhood.com and
is a "parody" of our Red Hat Society, and approved by the Exalted Queen Mother Sue Ellen.

His chapter is called JOHN WAYNE PIZZA & PUB CLUB, and some of our husbands are joining the chapter.
THEY MUST WEAR RED HARD HATS TO ALL EVENTS, along with a purple shirt or a HHB Logo shirt. The "Head HardHat" and founder is ANDY SMITH.
>

Here is a poem I wrote today,
Nov. 26, 2004 to let all the family know how much
I appreciate them!

THIS MUST BE THE PLACE
(c)LindaV 11/26/04
This must be the place they spoke of when they wrote the song,
The one they said there's no place like, and called it home sweet home,
My father used to play that song on his beat up guitar,
When long ago divorces were uncommon and bizarre,
When he said goodbye I wondered where our sweet home went,
Tears of sadness filled my eyes, I knew not what love meant,
Because I learned that loved ones can abandon and depart,
It scared me so, to say goodbye, I vowed to close my heart.
The years went on with me adrift, still searching without rest,
I said hello, I said goodbye, but I could not give my best,
They never knew I loved them so; they wondered why I fled,
I thought that if I chose to stay, they'd run away instead,
But buried deep inside my heart the love was aching there,
I kept it all inside me; so afraid to give or share,
Then one day the struggle got too tough to drift alone,
"Damn!" I said, "There must be such a place as home sweet home!"
I opened up my arms to them; it seemed they all came running,
They were waiting patiently, and thought me strange and funny,
They'd had their share of sadness, but kept smiling through the storm,
Taking turns to guard their nest and keep each other warm,
The children came, the older folks, the cousins and the nieces,
They watched me bending over then, to pick up all the pieces,
They helped me find what Daddy could not give to me that day,
Even though he'd cried with me, he had to walk away.
Tears are not so bad when you can let them fall together,
A family that stands by you does, in any kind of weather.
That's what Thanksgiving means to me, a bent old tree can grow,
I'm thankful for each one of you, just wanted you to know,
Someday, when I say goodbye, you'll know I"d rather stay,
It does not mean you were not loved, when Grandma's go away.>

Dec. 5: Jake and Rowena drove over to watch our
Christmas parade here in Clearlake, since ME and my Red Hat chapter made a float
and were in it! That was so sweet of them. Here is the poem
I wrote for them today:

YOU CAME TO MY PARADE !!
I have a son who has a wife,
, a blonde haired dimpled one,
They came to my parade and gave me special birthday fun,
I loved the shiny red hat pin, the red hat earrings too,
But, most of all in my parade, the best of gifts was you!
You came, you saw, you waved at me, in cold and frosty weather,
That's the gift I'll treasure always, in my heart, forever.
As I stood on that homemade float I felt a surge of pride,
They made me feel important, 'cause they came to watch me ride!
I love you two, MUM
.>

Another silly poem of mine:
Title: The Husbands
DEC.2004
To each of them I gave a daughter,
To one of them a son,
Hope they know now, though I gave up,
I loved them every one,
The first one was my first love,
And sometimes that's the best,
But when I found the second one, I put that love to rest,
His eyes were so alluring, I called him spider eyes,
But, when he drifted out to sea, I knew he'd said goodbye,
I ran away to Hollywood, I thought I could find me,
Instead I found the third man, And I once again believed,
That love should last forever, that love just cannot die,
I waited 8 long years and gave him twins to clinch the tie,
But, then he grew so distant, and I followed then his lead,
Not knowing why, we walked away, with wicked planted seeds,
Still, I often wonder why, these men and I were wrong,
Was it because their love and mine was really not that strong?
My fourth love is my last love, and no children were conceived,
But, what was born between us is a trust and lucid dreams,
A love so unconditional, expecting no returns,
A love so strong it moves the earth, and love that never burns,
It isn't like the first one, nor the second or the third,
That's why it's so magnificent, "To Die For" is the word.

THE PARTY

02/21/05
It was a great party at Bob and Torie Alderman's house.......
and here is what happened there, poem style!

by Queen Shady Ladybug, Linda Stewart, Feb. 21, 2005
I went to an evening party,
last Saturday night with my �feller�,
The invitation read �Stay until dawn!�,
and share some good wine from our cellar.
They had a few hay bales to sit on......
Didn't say �bring your bed rolls with you!",
They set up a spot near the fire they built,
to let us enjoy their lake view.
Mainly, that spot was for smokers;
the gazebo was nice, by the way,
But nobody said, when I went back inside,
that my backside was covered with hay!

Once again, I slipped off to the wine cellar, down the stairs, so discreetly.....
And the more I encountered the Merlot,
the more rooms I found in this maze,
I tripped on their stairs to the cellar,
and once to their porcelain prayed.
In one room the dentist was talking....
(Did he notice my teeth weren't too white?)
And I wondered if he knew his housekeeper Nora,
is my husband's poor ole ex-wife!
In another room, there was a jovial judge...
(Usually stern, but that night he could grin),
My Merlot-mouth was blabbing of our day in court,
(we were mad 'cause he let tenants win!)
Some partiers rode on the elephant,
while others thought donkeys more fun,
The political vet longed for peace at all costs,
and thinks Bush is a Whoos.....(What a pun!)
That subject is one I should shut-up about,
but the wine overtook my voice box,
Someone said they thought that Bush is real dumb,
But, I yelled out "He's sly as a fox!"
Then I met a Red Hatter named Nancy....
(I'm a Red Hat Queen, I confided....)
I asked if she'd like to be part of my group,
then she asked me, �Why am I invited?�
"Is it 'cause I look old that you want me?"
I said, �No, you look good for your age!�
(By then,I'm a victim of fermented grapes,
and I'd said the wrong thing, I'm afraid!
Then the hostess showed me her �new� table...
(it was old and had scratches galore).....
She said she so loves the ecclectic....
(Hope I didn't say, �So does the poor�).....

By this time, Torie looked sort of like this....
to me, anyhow!
And the longer the wine kept aflowing,
the looser my tongue got that night,
My husband and I were the last ones to leave;
the next time the last ones they'd invite?

Can you overlook my indiscretions?
I'm hoping the wine that we gave them,
(a Beaulieu nineteen seventy-eight),
Is not just an old vinegar wine jug,
but I'm worried that's probably my fate.
They said they would call us to share it,
but perhaps I should kindly decline,
Good thing I left Guerwertzenminer too;
I know that one should taste like real wine.
I woke up with a headache next morning,
My black dress dorned with hay on the floor,
I thought I'd been out horsebackriding last night,
and slept in a hay barn "fer shore!"
The judge, vet and dentist and also a shrink,
drinking wine 'til they almost turned green!
The way my head ached when I finally awoke,
God, I wished that it HAD been a dream!
The next day, per chance, was a Red Hat event,
and I knew that I must pay the price,
So, beneath my red hat when I finally got dressed,
I'd tucked in small bag of ice.
Well, the weather was windy and rainy that day,
But the theatre play was just grand,
As we left, a swift wind caught the edge of my hat,
Then, I caught it with my eager hand

What crappy weather that day!

Then, suddenly I heard loud laughter,
The crowd spotted the ice on my head,
And, if ever I needed to crawl in a hole,
It was then, but I just laughed instead.
They might call us the Red Hat Society Club
But, "Society Misfits" describes,
We get wacky and silly and tacky sometimes,
And, especially when we imbibe!

Let this poem be our humble thank you,
for asking us both to attend,
It was really a blast sharing your vino cask,
and we hope that you'll ask us again!.

Even frogs like to dance.....

Some poems are funny
Some poems are sad....
Some are just plain corny,
and some are just plain bad!

In retrospect.....
I'll admit I was a
little slimmer when he married me...

Don't forget your sweetie,
Let him know you care,
Regardless of the tummy,
The sparse and coarse grey hair,
Think of him as sexy,
He thinks of YOU like that,
Even though you're older now,
and just "a little fat"!
(c)Queen Shady Ladybug
Jan. 19, 2005

Let your smile brighten up
someone's rainy day!

Laugh a lot and love a lot,
Whether you have teeth or not,
Don't even have to comb your hair,
If you've got a red hat to wear,
Get purple clothes at a cheap thrift store,
Forget what those spike heels are for,
Take a bubble bath and soak,
Forget about those you could choke,
Be good to you--Treat yourself well,
Laugh a lot! It makes life swell!!!
And when your feeling sad or blue,
The SISTERHOOD is here for you!
By Queen Shady Ladybug, LINDA
02/15/05

FLY AWAY HOME, Ladybug....
Ladybug! Ladybug!
Fly away home.
Your house is on fire.
And your children all grown.
One's in Twin Cities,bouncing baby on knees,
One walks on the beach by the Santa Cruz seas,
Another's in Chico with school books in hand,
The 4th one is packing to move with her man,
Lady and Manbug have deep Clearlake roots,
And it's a good thing he kept his fireman boots,
For ladybug's memory gets worse every day,
Leaves pots on the stove and then runs out to play,
So, Ladybug, Ladybug, fly away home,
Your house is on fire,and so is your throne....
Queen Ladybug you'd better grab up a hose,
Your Manbug's recliner is stuck in repose,
The fireman's asleep in his big easy chair,
You must break the window and put out his hair,
"Wake up, darling Manbug, let's go out to eat,"
Manbug heard that and jumped up to his feet,
"Let's go little lady!", he said like "The Duke",
...the dinner is burned and looks sorta like puke!"
"Gosh, grouchy Manbug, I just saved your life!"
"I deserve a good steak, 'cause I'm such a good wife!"
"Oh, sure,"said Hubbybug, "Let's have the works!"
"But, how come I end up to be the big jerk?"
"You're right, I should wake at the first sniff of smoke,
I guess it's MY fault for the window you broke,
I'll buy a new pan, Honey, now don't you cry!
Next time I'll be sure to just sleep with one eye!"
"On second thought, one of my eyes cannot see,
So how can I sleep with one eye? Woe is me....
Should I stay awake with my good eye or bad?
I don't want to make my dear ladybug mad!"
So old firebug Stew took her out then to dine,
But afterward, there was no "Your place or mine...?"
When they returned all the firemen were there,
But there was no sign of their house anywhere,
They went to the local motel for the night,
And the sparks from their room set a fire so bright,
The smouldering fire set off such a steam.......
The flames danced around them and filled up their dreams,

Now, there are two headstones that sit side by side,
Their children put flowers upon them with pride,
The mystery is, why their room went up in smoke,
For there was no kitchen or fireplace to stoke,
Why were there sparks then, the children all wonder,
'Cause only the lady and manbug heard thunder,

And no one else saw all the lightening rods fly,
As Manbug and Ladybug swooped through the sky,
They flew into glory, their hands held together,
Heading to perfectly Heavenly weather!
The Babybugs then found a note left behind,
"Dear Babybugs, Please do not cry; we are fine!"
"The fire that burns in our hearts will live on....
...Someday, Babybugs, you'll find our new home."
by Queen Shady Ladybug, Linda
Feb. 12, 2005

Sure, I was young once too...
Queen Shady Ladybug, wearing her "shades" !

More to follow........
>