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Links Section
when you love someone who's been abused
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Domestic violence is a sickness that starts with the batterer, spreads to the victim, and then to the friends and family of the victim. Some common mistakes friends and family may make are:
expecting the victim to just be grateful that the violence is no longer occuring
expecting the victim to become the same person they were before the violence
expecting the victim to handle jumping into a new life with ease
Caring for a victim of domestic violence can make all the difference. Here are some ways you can support your relative/friend:
Listen and Believe her when she needs to open up.
Remind her that not everything 'has to be perfect'
Tell her you love her just the way she is
Offer to help with the children
Remind her that she doesn't have to go through this alone
Some things to say to a Victim Reluctant to Leave a Violent Situation:
- I am afraid for your safety.
- It will only get worse.
- I am here for you when you are ready to leave.
- You deserve better than this.
Let the victim know she/he can talk to you about domestic violence. Many times victims try to talk about what is going on in their homes only to find that no one wants to hear about it, or worse, that the abuse is their fault.
Listen to her. It is important for her to be able to tell her story.
Stay in contact with her. Isolation is one of the most powerful tools used by the batterer to keep the victim confused and controlled.
Help her identify her strengths. Most victims of domestic violence have developed strong survival skills, protecting their children and other family members even when they can see no safe way out of their relationship.
Let her know that no one has the right to mistreat her. Tell her you are concerned for her safety.
Let her know how dangerous her situation looks to you.
Problem solve, including safety planning and identification of resources, with her when she is ready.
Experiences of survivors post-abuse
Leaving an abusive relationship takes a great toll on survivors. But the pain doesn't have to be a life sentence. Remember that you are not alone. Seek professional counseling. Above all else, EASY DOES IT. Here are some things a survivor may face :
flashbacks
uncontrolled anger/sadness
loneliness
fear of being snuck up on
extreme sensitivity to sudden noises or being touched
fear of love, relationships, dating, etc...
fear of sex/sexuality
fear of men
promiscuity
violent and/or manipulative behavior
suicidal thoughts or actions
increased alcohol or drug usage
self-mutilation
eating disorders
THERAPY
journalling
reading self-help books (see main page for books I recommend)
battered women support groups
developing a caring, nurturing network of friends
appreciation of the simple beauties of life free from abuse
growing a garden
raising a pet
meditation
exercise
taking care of the body
telling your story when it's appropriate
helping others in their time of need (only if it's the healthy thing to do for you)
Taking it 24 hours a day, one day at a time
Remember, there is no set recovery time.There will be easy times and hard times, sometimes within minutes of each other. Sometimes I feel like exploding. Sometimes I want to kick and scream that it's not fair, 'why does HE get away with everything?'. And I found that it's best to breathe and realize that he didn't get away with everything; and life isn't fair; and YES, the abuse was HIS fault; all he wanted was to dominate my life, so why am I letting him stay in my head rent-free? I ask myself these questions daily. Today, I'm okay with not being okay. With time, counseling, and doing loving things for myself everyday, I know I'll be all right.
