WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY..... 1. "I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand while the fish swim by in complete safety."
2. "IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
3. "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
4. "UH HUH", "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
5. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
6. "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE LOTS OF THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
7. "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
8. "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
9. YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
10. "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
11. "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
12. "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
13. "I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
14. "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
15. "I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
16. "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
17. "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
18. "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
19. "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Strategic Responses to "Do I Look Fat?" "No, not to Stevie Wonder." "No babe, your not fat, your fluffy." "Does this tie make me look stupid?" "No hablo ingles." "If I answer that question, my life will be in danger." "Let me jog around to your front and take a look." "No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains." "May I consult a lawyer before answering that?" "Look at your belt size honey, if it says 'equator' on the tag you know the answer."

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Men are a mystery. The following are facts about men that could prove entertaining. Or perhaps not. First fact: Men sometimes contradict themselves.
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Be careful of men who are bald and rich. The arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private, but in public they have to know.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship."
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types, depressing and more depressing. Men have two types, nerdy and not nerdy.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. (When four or more women get together, they talk about men.)
Men have higher body temperatures than women. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie "The Way We Were" twice, voluntarily.
Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. Women need men emotionally and sexually, but they also need men to help us get dressed.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause, you gain weight and get hot flashes. With male menopause, you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
Men forget everything. Women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
All men would still really like to own a train set.