Another year has passed and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter and winter seems much colder.
I rack my brain for happy thoughts, to put down on my pad,
But lots of things that come to mind just make me kind of sad.
There was a time not long ago when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand about "Living in the Past".
We used to go to friends homes, to swim, play games, have lunches.
Now we go to therapy, to hospitals, and after-funeral brunches.
We used to have headaches, from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches and sleep the night away.
We used to go out dining, and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags, come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel to places near and far.
Now we get backaches from riding in the car.
We used to go out shopping for new clothing at the Mall
But, now we never bother...all the sizes are too small.
That, my friend is how life is, and now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up... before you're too dang old!!

RED HAT TEN COMMANDMENTS

1. Thou shalt use they Red Hat powers for good deeds (bring joy and laughter to all you meet).

2. Thou shalt eat thy favorite foods, including chocolate. After all, diet is just a four letter word.

3. Thou shalt be a kindred spirit in your sisterhood. Keep your confidences and friendships strong.

4. Thou shalt put on the glitz! Wear purple glory, big red hats, flashy jewelry, feathers: be a Royal Red Hatter! Remember to think "I am a woman of Royal Birth... My Father is King of Heaven and Earth!"

5. Thou shalt play. Be young in heart and mind and your body will follow--at least most of the time!

6. Thou shalt welcome the curious and explain the wonders of Red Hat to all who ask, especially small children and handsome men.

7.Thou shalt accept the things you cannot change, big or small. We're good at rollling with the punches.

8. Thou shalt aspire to anything in life at any age--except Queen Mother! It's never to late to skydive.

9. Thou shalt honor thy age and the need to be a little sassy once in a while.

10. Thou shalt repeat the first nine commandments.

25 Instructions for a Happy Life

* Never buy a coffee table you can't put your feet on.
* Believe in miracles but don't depend on them.
* Never open the refrigerator when you're bored.
* Own at least one article of clothing with Mickey Mouse on it.
* When staying at a hotel or motel, don't accept a room next to the ice of vending machines.
* Never go near a kid who's holding a water hose unless you want to get wet.
* Never allow anyone to intimidate you.
* Never complain about the music in someone else's car when you're a passenger.
* Learn the rules of any sport your children or grandchildren play.
* Never hesitate to do what you know is right.
* Never pass up a chance to be in a parade.
* Remember that when your Mom says "You'll regret it", you probably will.
* Never ignore an old barking dog.
* On your birthday, send your Mom a thank you card.
* Until your children move out of the house, don't buy anyting suede.
* Never tell a car salesman how much you want to spend.
* Whenever you hear an ambulance siren, say a prayer for the person inside.
* Don't take medicine in the dark.
* Know where to find a gas station that's open 24 hours with a working bathroom.
* Keep a roll of duct tape at home, at the office, and in the car.
* When in doubt, smile.
* Underestimate when guessing a woman's age or weight.
* Don't say anything on a cordless or cellular phone that you don't want the world to hear.
* Mail in your Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes notice, Who knows?
* Dust, then vacumn.

BODY THIEVES

Thought you should know about this.....
Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. While this kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day!
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to bed in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that have been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now my rear end complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantically, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
It was two years ago when I realized that my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish!
Age? Age has nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity.
NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair I gave up my t-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself.
Women of the world - wake up and smell the coffee! That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has has a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you?
I think I finally found my thighs.... and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!!!
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. I must say that last night I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband!

Author Unknown (but very funny)

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OLD AGE

The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not thonk of myself as old. Uppon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question and that I would ponder it and let her know. Old Age, I decided is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body...... the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person who lives in the mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life or my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to and less critical of myself; I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie or for not making my bed or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need but looks so avant garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon - before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it anyway if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m. and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love....I will. I will walk the beach in a swim suit stretched over a bulging body and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set.
They too will get old!
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is as well forgotten.... and I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken..... How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one or when a child suffers or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength, understanding and compassion.
A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray and to have my youthful laughs forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. As you grow older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore; I've earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer the question, I like being old; it has set me free. I like the person I've become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am here, I will not waste time lamenting about what could have been or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day!
Author Unknown

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16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she is pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe we are above average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark; a large group of professionals built the Titanic.
And finally.....
16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the heck out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

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HOW OLD IS GRANDMA?

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandma about current events. He asked her what she thought about shootings at the schools, the computer age and just things in general.
The Grandma replied,"Well, let me think a minute, I was born before: television
penicillin
polio shots
frozen food
Xerox
contact lenses
Frisbees and the pill
There was no:
radar
credit cards
laser beams or ball-point pens
Man had not invented:
pantyhose
air conditioners
dishwashers
clothes dryers (the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air)
and man hadn't yet walked on the moon
Your grandfather and I got married first.... and then lived together.
Every family had a mother and a father.
Until I was 25, I called every nam older than me,"Sir" and every woman, "Maam".
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment and common sense.
We were taught the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out while listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with "Made in Japan" on it, it was junk.
The term "making out" referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5&10 cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on streetcars and Royal Crown Colas were all a nickel.
And if you didn't splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gasoline was only 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
"grass" was mowed
"coke" was a soft drink
"pot" was what your mother cooked in
"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office
"chip" meant a piece of wood
"hardware" was found in the hardware store
and "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap!
So how old do you think Grandma is?
SHE IS ONLY 58 YEARS OLD!!!!!

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A STRANGE OLD LADY

Even though this lady is residing in MY house, she may at some time appear in yours. Be alert!
A very weird thing has happened. A strange lady has moved into my house. I have not idea who she is, where she came from or how she got in. I certainly didn't invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there and the next day she was!
She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude!
I have tried screaming at her, but she screams back. The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it's not nearly enough.
I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later, it's all gone! I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream.
And money isn't the only thing she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate - especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies and candy. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better watch it because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she's tampering with my scales to make me think I am putting on weight, too.
For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going to my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they don't fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can't find anything. This is particularily annoying since I am extremely neat and organized.
She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets my mail, newspapers and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telehone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers.
She has done other things - like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn. She has even made my bed higher and car lower so that getting into and out is a real challenge. Lately, she's been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars.
She has completely taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks ridiculous in some of those outfits; plus she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.
And just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's license, and just when the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me!
I hope she never finds out where YOU live!
Author Unknown

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25 THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BY THE TIME YOU REACH MIDDLE AGE

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to chuch doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake before you make it.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than your refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

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WHEN I'M AN OLD LADY

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my kids,
and make their life happy and filled with such fun.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided,
returning each deed.
Oh, they'll be so excited.
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

I'll write on the wall with red, white, and blue;
and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, they'll shout.
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
and when that is done I'll hide under the bed.
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

When they cook dinner and call me to meals,
I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
and when they get angry, run fast as I'm able.
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click.
I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
and play in the mud until the end of the day.
When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes;
and my kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
and say with a groan, "she's so sweet when she's sleeping."
when I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

- Author: Joanne Bailey Baxter, Lorain , OH

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P.S.Here's a great commentary by Andy Rooney that I thought you'd enjoy. This is a man who understands us. I LOVE this!

Andy Rooney says.... "As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all.

Here are just a few reasons why:

An over 40 woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If an over 40 woman doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do and it's usually something more interesting.

An over 40 woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants, and from whom she wants it. Few women past the age of 40 give a darn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

An over 40 woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "commitment." The last thing she wants in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny and/or dependent mate.

Over 40 women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Over 40 women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

An over 40 woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend.

An over 40 woman couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an over 40 woman. They always know.

An over 40 woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.

Over 40 women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off that you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise over 40 women for a multitude of reasons.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

Andy Rooney

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**Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

**I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

**I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

**It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

**The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

**These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

**I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age...but they haven't made one called, "Buns of Putty."

**Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

**Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up.

Remember:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...'Wow! What a ride!'"