LOVE, MOM

aka TOWLYTHEM _________________________________________________________________

THINGS I TAUGHT MY KIDS...........

1. TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4.LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

5. I also taught you MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." (and don't forget to "Dig the well before you're thirsty".)

7. I taught you IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. The science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. How about CONTORTIONISM? "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. I taught you about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12 HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. I also taught you all the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. About BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" .... or was it FATHERS?

15. ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. I taught you about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. About RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. I taught you MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. I taught you some ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. I hope I taught you some HUMOR also.... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. About GENETICS. "You're just like your father." (FATHERS)

23. I taught you about your ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. Give me credit for teaching you WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite, of course ....about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!" (I hope you have TEN kids, just like you!)

26. How about arts and crafts? ....You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear!

27. What about acting skills ? "I'll be the mother, you be the kid!"

28. Also, I taught you MAGIC TRICKS! When you couldn't find something and asked me, I'd point to my arm pit and pull out whatever you were looking for, just like magic!

29. EXPECTATIONS: "Expect nothing and you will never be disappointed" !!

30. About MARRIAGE: "If you can't make me happy, you shore ain't gonna make me UNhappy"........ dump 'em.

31. GOD is like parents, "He helps those who help themselves."

And we all know this one "If Mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy!" ................

I love you kids, and you've learned your lessons well.

***********************************************

I HOPE THERE ARE NO DRUG PROBLEMS IN OUR FAMILY !! The other day, a gentlemen at a store in a small town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farm house in the adjoining county. He asked me a rhetorical question. "Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?" I did have a drug problem when I was a kid growing up on the farm...... I was DRUG to church on Sunday morning. I was DRUG to church for weddings and funerals. I was DRUG to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. I was DRUG by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also DRUG to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher. Or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me. I was DRUG to the kitchen sink if I uttered a profane four letter word. (I do know what Lye soap tastes like.) I was DRUG out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields. I was DRUG to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline or chop some fire wood, and if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have DRUG me back to the wood shed. Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack or heroin, and if today's children had this kind of DRUG problem, America might be a better place today."