Twinkies and Root Beer

Thanks to Tom and Dot (Swift) Haynes for passing this gem along!

A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with Twinkies and a six-pack of root beer and he started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old man. He was sitting in the park just staring at some pigeons.

The boy sat down next to him and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old man looked hungry, so he offered him a Twinkie. He gratefully accepted it and smiled at him. His smile was so pleasant that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him a root beer.

Again, he smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the old man, and gave him a hug. He gave him his biggest smile ever.

When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy? "He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? God's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!"

Meanwhile, the old man, also radiant with joy, returned to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on his face and he asked, ” Dad, what did you do today that made you so happy?" He replied, "I ate Twinkies in the park with God." However, before his son responded, he added," You know, he's much younger than I expected."

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
(George Carlin)

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age,
weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them.
That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts,
gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle.
" An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family,
pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county,
to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them,
at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.

From Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935,
was probably the greatest political sage
this country has ever known.

Some of his more thoughtful words:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman ...
neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
(a.) The ones that learn by reading.
(b.) The few who learn by observation.
(c.) The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.

9. Good judgment comes from experience,
and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back
every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier'n puttin' it back.

12. AND FINALLY
... After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion
felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a
hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

----------------------------

GROWING OLDER............

First, eventually you will reach a point when you stop
lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second, the older we get, the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
Third, some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads
weren't paved.

Fourth, when you are dissatisfied and would like to
go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth, you know you are getting old when every thing either
dries up or leaks.

Sixth, I don't know how I got over the hill without
getting to the top.

Seventh, one of the many things no one tells you
about aging is that it is such a nice change
from being young.

Eighth, one must wait until evening to see how splendid
the day has been.

Ninth, being young is beautiful, but
being old is comfortable.

Tenth, long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.

============================================

ETERNAL TRUTHS

--------------

Remember, once you get over the hill,
you'll begin to pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes
I even put it in the food.

If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some, like me, just don't have any film.

I always know God won't give me more than I can handle
but there are times I wish He didn't trust me
quite so much.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

If the shoe fits......buy a pair in every color.

Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.

Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than standing in a garage
makes you a car.

If you look like your passport picture,
you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Some days are a total waste of makeup.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years
and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you
to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me...
you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. [I've tried!!]

PILLS

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all,
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones so big and bright
Stop my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know
Is what tells each one where to go?
by A. Nonymous

SUBJECT: HARD OF HEARING

An old man decided his old wife
was getting hard of hearing.

He called her doctor to make
an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The doctor said he could see her in
two weeks,and meanwhile there's a
simple, informal test the husband could do
to give the doctor some idea of the
dimensions of the problem.

"Here's what you do.
Start about 40 feet away from her,
and speak in a normal conversational
tone and see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet,20 feet,
and so on until you get a response.

So that evening she's in the kitchen
cooking dinner, and he's in the
living room, and he says to himself,
"I'm about 40 feet away...
let's see what happens.

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room,
about 30 feet away.

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves in the dining room,
about 20 feet away.

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

At the kitchen door, ten feet away.

"Honey, what's for supper?"
STILL no response.

So he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for supper?"

She turns around and yells into his face,
"For the fifth freaking time, it's CHICKEN!!

Subject: Holy Tales

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
===========================

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
===========================

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
===========================

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly (must be New Jersey), but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
===========================

People want the front of the bus, The back of the church, and The center of attention.
===========================

"Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
===========================

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
===========================

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth."
===========================

Sunday after church a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming".

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

Top 8 Morons of 2002

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!!)
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

JOBS OF MY LIFE

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef, I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian, but there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have...

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention hitchhiking), and riding on the running board. What's a running board?

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day.

No cell phones. Unthinkable. We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth, and there were no law suits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We ate cupcakes (snowballs!), bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were not overweight...we were always outside playing. We shared one cream soda with our friends, from one bottle and no one died from this.

We did NOT have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games, 99 channels on cable, video or DVD movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms ... we had friends. We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian. How did we do it?

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment..... Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.....Horrors. Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law (or the teachers), imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them.

Congratulations!

"Who Gets The Tip?!"

Every time a new Pope is elected, there's a whole lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well, there's one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.

John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection, but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

"My brother," the Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representatives of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugged and replied, "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the mists of ancient history."

The Pope said, "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret." The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and, with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.

They both gasped with shock. It was the check for the Last Supper!

The Christmas Party Memo

> > December 1st
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

> > I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take > place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be > lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel > free to sing along.
> > And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to > light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done > at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
> > Merry Christmas to you and your family.
> Patty Lewis
> Human Resources Director
> --------------------------------------------------------------------

> > December 2nd
> ALL EMPLOYEES

> > In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish > employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that > often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).
> However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same > policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
> > There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
> > Happy Holidays to you and your family.
> Patty Lewis
> Human Resources Director
> --------------------------------------------------------------

> > December 3rd
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

> > Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics > Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this > request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA > Only," you won't be anonymous anymore.
> > In addition, forget about the gifts exchange -- no gifts will be > allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
> > Patty Lewis
> Human Researches Director
> -------------------------------------------------------------

> > December 7th
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

> > I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest > from the dessert buffet and pregnant women to sit closest to the rest > rooms.
> Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit > with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a > flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?

> > Patty Lewis
> Human Racehorses Director
> --------------------------------------------------------

> > December 9th
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

> > People, people -- nothing sinister were intended by wanting our CEO > to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be > Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red > suit."

> > Patty Lewis
> Human Rat races
> --------------------------------------------------------------

> > December 10th
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

> Vegetarians --
> > I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at > Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not. You can just sit at the > damn table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll > get the salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, > tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard > them scream. I'm hearing them right now...
> > I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear > me?

> The Witch from hell
> -----------------------------------------------------------

> > December 14th
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

> > I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy > recovery from her stress related illness. I'll continue to forward your > cards to her at the sanitarium.

> > In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and > give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

> > Happy Winter Break!

> > Terri Bishop
> Acting Human Resources Director