Lecture Delivered by Bob
Bongiovanni on January 27, 2002
What is shame? It involves a sense of unworthiness, disgrace, dishonor, and embarrassment. To have fallen quite short of what one should be or should have done in the opinion of the world. At times, the shaming is obvious, being inflicted by outsiders. Other times, the shame is carried internally, a sense that the world would—or possibly should—find me guilty if only they knew my secret flaw.
To some, shame is seen as necessary to induce good behavior among unruly humans. That’s where the expression “have you no shame?” comes from. There are simply not enough policemen in the world to literally enforce all the rules of behavior, so we all need an internal policeman that shames us into right behavior. Those who lack appropriate shame, in the extreme, are called sociopaths.
At the other extreme, some people have such an abundance of shame that they are hypercritical of even the smallest infraction that they commit. For them, death is a welcome release from a life of bitter disappointment and self-recrimination. Suicide is often the only escape they can imagine—the perfection of death, where no further mistakes are made.
What are the roots of shame? I believe it lies in the perfection complex, which is ultimately related to the Father. Those under the influence of the perfection complex believe that flawlessness is not only possible, it is expected. The highest aspiration of a human being is to move closer and closer to the ideal that can be imagined, at least at the spiritual level. Sinlessness can be imagined. Ideal physical beauty can be imagined. You can get a 100% score on every exam. You can have the ideal American family, in the ideal house, in the ideal neighborhood, with the ideal job. If you find yourself falling short on these possibilities, it is because you are either not trying hard enough or you have a fundamental flaw preventing you from achieving your full potential. In either case, you should be ashamed of yourself.
On the positive side, some amazing things have come into the world through this perfection complex. Most of the technological achievements of the past century have arisen from those seeking to build not just a better mousetrap, but the perfect mousetrap. At some level, medical science believes that the elimination of all disease is possible, if only there were enough research funding – and some diseases that were once thought incurable are now merely inconveniences requiring a quick shot to return us to perfect health. America is often lauded for is “yankee ingenuity” which is marked by the belief that every problem can be solved with enough creativity and persistence. Even if perfection is, indeed, unachievable, its pursuit is not without its rewards. What’s worse, striving for perfection, or hopelessly resigning oneself to the way things are?
Like any complex, the shadowy aspects of the perfection complex grow as its influence over the ego grows. There are many damaging effects of possession by the perfection complex. I’d like to focus on three that are particularly insidious, in my opinion:
In Volume 16 of his Collected Works, Jung speaks of the importance of dissipating shame through open acknowledgement of whatever has been hidden or repressed. He says, “The possession of secrets acts like a psychic poison that alienates their possessor from the community . . . But through confession I throw myself into the arms of humanity again, freed at last from the burden of moral exile.” Burdened by shame, we cut ourselves off from all others, even those from whom we could enjoy compassion, because we do not feel we deserve it or because we fear condemnation or because we feel compelled to prevent widespread knowledge of our imperfection. Perhaps even worse, our rigid adherence to perfection does not allow us to show compassion to ourselves, extending compassion to our own shadows.
In terms of our fellow humans, our desire for perfection can leave us harshly condemning those who most need our compassion. We love people only in the abstract, because real humans always reveal flaws.
Again from Volume 16 of Jung’s Collected Works, “To cherish secrets and hold back emotion is a psychic misdemeanor for which nature finally visits us with sickness.” The material realm resists efforts to perfect it. It will not bend itself to human will compliantly. Indeed, efforts to perfect the material realm often leads to its destruction, or to the opposite effect than what was intended.
This extends to the part of the material realm that is most intimate to us: our own bodies. Instinct is usually a messy matter, counter to many views of perfection. Our bodies are organic, not plastic, and that is often dirty, smelly, and unclean. How much illness is actually a reaction to our unachievable attempts to be perfect? High blood pressure? Heart attack? Cancer?
Individuation can be defined as the quest for wholeness. This involves living an experimental life, stepping outside the familiar, controlled world and taking risks. If one lives in terror of making mistakes, of being imperfect, one cannot live an experimental life.
Indeed, many of those possessed by the perfection complex live increasingly narrow lives. They obsess on small matters or narrow topics that can be perfected through repetition. They shun the unfamiliar. How can the journey toward wholeness continue when daily experiences are so tightly controlled and narrowly focused? It cannot.