FOR
FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND ANYONE WHO ASKS HOW TO HELP
Adapted from several
articles on www.Family.com and from an article called
“The Challenge Of Twins,”
by Lilian G. Katz, Published in Parents,
p. 146, August 1989
While the arrival of twins is generally greeted by
family and friends with great excitement, the novelty soon wears off, and the
family is left with many tough daily challenges. It is well established that babies of multiple births often face
high medical risks related to their typical prematurity, small size, and need
for extensive hospitalization. The
first few years can often feel like a mixed blessing. Though parents are usually on top of any serious health
complications of twins by the preschool period, many unique emotional and
physical stresses continue.
IDEAS FOR
HELPING NEW PARENTS OF MULTIPLES (AND SINGLETONS, TOO):
Drive one or both parents to the hospital to visit
premature babies.
Join parents at the hospital and keep them company
while they're attending to premature babies.
Offer to go grocery shopping, to the post office,
or on other errands.
Play with older children or take them on special
outings.
Pick up older children at school and drive them to
activities.
Offer to stay with babies for an hour or two so the
mother and father can spend time with older children, get a haircut, make phone
calls, take a bath, or get some sleep.
Take one twin so the parents can have individual
time with the other. Then switch at another time.
Pick up their house, mop the floor, clean the
refrigerator, or do the laundry.
Pay for a day's cleaning service.
Bring meals, frozen or otherwise, on an ongoing
basis.
Bring washed and cut salad makings and vegetables
for easy preparation.
Organize other friends to help on a regular basis.
UNDERSTANDING:
FAMILIES WITH MULTIPLE BIRTHS
Multiple births are on the rise. The National
Center for Health Statistics says that "supertwin" births, that is
triplets and more, increased fourfold from 1971 to 1994. Thanks to fertility
drugs and later pregnancies, many of us will have friends or family members who
give birth to more than one at a time. Raising twins or triplets requires
plenty of extra energy.
PREGNANCY
A woman pregnant with multiples is more likely to
have more complications. They have to
be seen by care providers more frequently.
They have a higher risk of having to change work schedules. Many daily tasks become impossible. Often the situation changes weekly. As many as 50% to 60% of all multiple births
are premature (born before 37 weeks and/or weighing less than 5 1/2 pounds
each), requiring bed rest, in or out of the hospital, and postpartum
hospitalization for at least three days.
Those expecting multiple children may suddenly
find themselves in bed before they've finished preparing. Friends and relatives
can provide support by running errands, cleaning, cooking and caring for older
children.
Psychologically, while all pregnant women deal
with changes in body image to some degree, those carrying two are more get
larger and therefore can have a more difficult time. They may have trouble
finding maternity clothes that fit in the last months of the pregnancy. The
potential for a premature birth causes stress.
Also, parents of multiples need to know that they are not alone in
feeling some ambivalence about getting two for the price of one. Some parents
of twins and triplets feel that friends, who may be uncomfortable with kids,
have abandoned them.
POSTPARTUM
Parents with multiples need the same assistance as
any new family, only their requirements are magnified. All those caring for
newborns face sleep deprivation, but having more than one intensifies the
problem. If the babies are born early, often they need to eat frequently, which
in turn means more sleep interruptions. The infants may be on different
schedules. Almost half of all multiples
are born through Cesarean, so mothers are also recovering from surgery. Nursing two requires more milk and necessitates
rest to avoid breast infections.
OTHER SIBLINGS
Twins so easily attract attention that their
presence in a family requires special sensitivity to the needs of their
siblings. It is hard enough to accept a
single young sibling. The displacement
is even greater when two or more babies invade their domain. A good way for parents to begin helping
their older children is to acknowledge and accept the resentment they are
likely to feel toward the new arrivals.
No matter how demanding the care of the twins is, the parents should try
to set aside some time--even if only ten or fifteen minutes every other day--to
be alone with the siblings. Reassure
them that as the twins get older their care will become less demanding and
there will be more time for the rest of the family to enjoy one another. It also usually helps to encourage siblings
to participate in the care and supervision of the young twins.
Other adults can focus their attention on older
children. Twins receive so much more attention that friends need to acknowledge
the older child and do special things with him or her.
STRANGERS
Another situation encountered by parents of
multiples involves the response of strangers in public. People ask a lot of
questions. Some parents like the attention, while others find it invasive. Most people ask if the kids are twins and if
they're identical. One mother says strangers wanted to know how she told her
non-identical twins apart. "I look at them," she answers. In a Miss Manners column dealing with the
subject, the writer asked, "What do I say when I see these two red-haired
twins?" "How do you do. How
do you do." Miss Manners replied.
All too frequently people ask personal questions.
"Did you take fertility drugs?" they demand. Some just make the
pronouncement, "I bet you took drugs." When you see twin babies in
the mall or the grocery store, keep in mind how many people have already
stopped and made the same inquiries. If
you feel the need to comment, try:
“Twins? How lovely!” Or, just smile warmly.
TODDLER AND PRE-SCHOOL YEARS
Identity issues become more important as children
grow. Never refer to the kids as
"the twins." Call them by
their names, as individuals. Twins and
triplets share the same birthdays and often have the same party, but they don't
need the same presents. They are individuals, and it's hard for kids to have to
share one gift.
Resist
comparisons. The strong tendency to compare children is
especially great when they were born within a few minutes of each other. In the case of both fraternal and identical
twins, one of them may be “easier” than the other. These differences can be related to their individual physical
conditions or to their inherent temperamental characteristics. Whatever the cause, it is important to
resist the temptation to think of one as the “good” twin and the other as the
“bad” one. For a variety of reasons,
some children are simply easier to satisfy and comfort than others, but that
does not make one child better than another.
Sometimes others act as if the children are two
halves of one person. Twins hear many
questions that reinforce the notion they are parts of a whole. "Who is the
talkative twin and who is shy?" "Who likes books and who likes
sports?" and "Can you read each other's minds?" The worst thing people can do is compare the
twins and talk about them in their presence. That problem often occurs with any
two siblings, but with two kids the same size the comparison/contrast happens
more often. Even other children do it.
Should twins
be separated? When twins reach preschool age, parents
begin to worry about how much time the two should spend exclusively in each
other’s company. Some people believe
that twins really don’t need outside companions and that they are socially
self-sufficient.
There is some concern, though, that this
exclusivity limits twins’ ability to mix with outsiders. Contemporary views seem to hold that it is a
good idea to stimulate their individuality by encouraging them to mix with
others, by dressing them differently, and by giving each his own toys as well
as some different ones.
If all other things are going well and the twins
are capable of enjoying time with other children even when they are in school
together, separation does not seem warranted.
If they seem excessively distressed by the separation, try it for short
periods of time at first. Physical
separation by itself is not what creates individual personalities; what is
required for individuality to develop is that each child have his own unique
relationship with parents, teachers, and peers.