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	RED HAT SOCIETY
	FANCY SIGNATURES
	RH RECIPE EXCHANGE

I am not OLD!! When someone asked if I was old, I had to stop and thing about that. Maybe I am old, but I've grown into a person I can like and respect. I can be who I've always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! Time took care of that, for sure. I don't think about it overmuch because I wouldn't trade my wonderful friends or loving family for fewer wrinkles or for fewer gray hairs or a flatter tummy or thinner thighs. As I've aged perhaps I've simply become more forgiving of myself. I don't stress over that extra cookie or for buying something silly that I don't need but that just makes me feel good. I can allow myself to be messy or overeat sometimes or be extravagant sometimes. Too many people I've known have left this world without the opportunity to enjoy these things and I'm just not willing to do that. It's nobody's business if I choose to play computer games in my robe all day, or read all night and sleep half the day away; I can dance by myself to the songs I remember so well from the 50's and 60's, and if I feel like crying over something... or someone... lost, I can do that, too! Sometimes I forget things, but sometimes things should be forgotten and eventually I remember the important things (sometimes with the help of my friends). I've suffered losses and seen suffering, but these things bring compassion and understanding. I am blessed to have lived this long, to see the gray in my hair and deeply etched laugh lines in my face. So many rarely laugh or didn't get to see their hair turn silver. I don't care so much anymore what other people think. Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong, but I'm always me. So, if I am indeed "old", it has set me free. I like who I am. I'm not going to live forever; while I'm here I'm I won't waste time crying about the past or the future. What was, was; what will be, will be. For the first time in my life I don't need a reason to do the things I want to do. I've earned that right. I've spent a lot of time doing for others and now I can be a bit selfish without feeling guilty. Sometimes I feel sorry for the young. They face a different world than we did. When we were growing up we feared the law, respected the old, the flag and our country. I am grateful to have been born into a kinder, gentler world than the one in which we now live. Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved package, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up and worn out, yelling: WOOOOHOOOOOOO What a ride!!!

Friendship

Friendship lightens every burden and makes the sunshine brighter.

Nothing but Heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend.

"Florida Hurricane Advice"

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico or in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological statements:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Illinois and remain there until Halloween.


Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Illinois.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay you money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now. Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights; at least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. Nobody knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through a hurricane; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: its great living in paradise.

Snow Days

Norman and his wife were sitting down for breakfast, listening to the radio like they did everyday.


They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow Today. You must park..."

Then the power went out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says...

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee!

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

Male or Female?


Freezer Bags: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Photocopiers: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

Tires: Male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

Hot Air Balloons: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse.

Sponges: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

Web Pages: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

Trains: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

Egg Timers: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammers: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

The Remote Control: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

This is my gift to you - Live well, love much & laugh often - Be happy. Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people we love and respect. Remember that while money talks, CHOCOLATE SINGS

A nice, calm, respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need some cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed,"Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cynaide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absoutely not! You CANNOT have any cynaide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a romantic picture of her husband and the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, Well, now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

M & M WOMAN'S ANTI-STRESS KIT

At the first sign of hot flashes, eat the RED one

Eat the ORANGE one to minimize depression

The GREEN one calms your frustration when you want to be left alone.

If you feel a headache coming on, eat the YELLOWone

The BLUE one reduces bloating

You can eat the BROWN ones anytime!!

If ALL symptoms occur at the same time, EAT THE WHOLE DARN BAG!!!

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Just remember .. if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

HERE'S TO YOU MY FRIENDS!


Dream like you will live forever; live like you will die today.

Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, and pass it on to other folks.

If you like to laugh, please continue to our humor pages.