One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.


This went on for weeks until the paster, overcome by curiosity approached her. Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $ 1000. a week in the collection plate." he stated. Why yes" she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."


The pastor replied, "that's wonderful, how much does he send you? The old lady said, $10,000 a week" The pastor was amazed. " Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered.


"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.

WHERE TO RETIRE


As we all know, when we hit retirement age we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. ? The big question is, 'Where to ..?'


Here are some tips to help you decide. You can live in...

Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.

3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.

5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.

6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads

7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really ! hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.


Or, you can live in California, where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2.The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.

3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway

4. You know how to eat an artichoke.

5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.


Or, you can live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan

2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

4. You think Central Park is "nature."

5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

6. You've worn out a car horn.

7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


Or, you can live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter,and construction.


Or, you can live in the Texas where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from ' round here, are Ya?"

4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.

5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.


Or, you can live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail


Or, you can live in the Missouri where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars ! waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"


Or, of course, you can live in Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.


In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed Across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.

Chili Cook-Off


I dare you to read this without laughing! If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

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