Those were the days....

Under age 40? You won't understand : "You could hardly see for all the snow , spread the rabbit ears as far as they go. " Pull a chair up to the TV set, "Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."


Depending on the channel you tuned, You got Rob and Laura or Ward and June. It felt so good. It felt so right. Life looked better in black and white.


I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys, Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys, Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train, Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane. Father Knows Best, Patty Duke, Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too, Donna Reed on Thursday night! -- Life looked better in black and white.


I wanna go back to black and white. Everything always turned out right. Simple people, simple lives... Good guys always won the fights. Now nothing is the way it seems, In living color on the TV screen. Too many murders, too many fights, I wanna go back to black and white.


In God they trusted, alone they slept, A promise made was a promise kept. They never cussed or broke their vows. They'd never make the network now. But if I could, I'd rather be In a TV town in '53. It felt so good. It felt so right. Life looked better in black and white.


I'd trade all the channels on the satellite, If I could just turn back the clock tonight To when everybody knew wrong from right. Life was better in black and white!

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"! the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."


--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs!!!


--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?


--- I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.


--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97- don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"


--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."


---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.


---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.


---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.


---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.


---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."


--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.


---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!

Wear it with a smile and with pride.



The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause arrived at my door without warning: Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and All-Dried-Up.


One by one they crept into my own private cottage in the woods and started to take over my life.


The first to arrive was Itchy. I developed this itch on my right calf that was so irritating, I wanted to scratch the skin right off my body.


Then Bitchy came to my door. No longer was my PMS contained to one or two days a month-it felt like constant PMS. Then I would swing from Bitchy to Weepy for God's sake, what was wrong with me?

Ding-dong......It's the middle of the night and Sweaty has crawled into bed with me.

Oh, yes, Sweaty brought embarrassing hot flashes and introduced me to night sweats where it seemed as if a faucet had been attached between my breasts.


Of course! Sweaty brought about Sleepy because I was tired all the time. I would wake up so many times in the night and not be able to get back to sleep.


Bloated crept in slowly, my once-svelte figure got thick through the middle section, even though I was following my weight-loss program that had worked so well for so many years!


I can't quite remember when Forgetful arrived, but one day my brain stopped working. I considered myself a pretty focused woman until Forgetful came and I could not keep a coherent thought in my brain. Am I getting Alzheimer's? I wondered.


Last, All-Dried-Up slowly encroached upon my happy marriage. This was probably the most unpleasant of the dwarf family. Sex was no longer on the top of my list...or on my list at all. My husband would give me that knowing look, and I would think, "Frankly, I'd rather have a smoothie."

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, " I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filled. AH, SENIOR MOMENTS!

Dear Lord, So far today, I'm doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self-indulgent. I have not whined, complained, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have charged nothing on my credit card.


But I will be getting out of bed in a minute, and I think I will really need your help then!





An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.


As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.


He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"


All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!!

TEN TOP INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN :




(9) Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."


(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.


(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter


(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "An apple a day."


(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.


(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges ," is not a typographical error.


(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."


(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.


AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:


(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Good Trade

For all of you women who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. Since the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the old woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag"? asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

Ponderings...

• Life should not be measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away!



• It's easy to go for the burn... just sit around and wait for the hot flash!



• Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.



• The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.



• Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.



• Wrinkled is not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!



• Nature gives you the face you have at 20; it's up to you to merit the face you have at 50... or 60... or...



• Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician!



• He who laughs, lasts.



• I've acted old long enough. Now it's time for fun!




Stress Buster


• Take deep relaxing breaths, exhaling slowly.



• Picture yourself sitting by a waterfall.



• Listen to the sound of the gently cascading water.



• The water is so clear you can actually see the face of the person you are holding beneath the water!


by Satellite Queen






To all you OWLS (Older Wiser Laughing Souls)


Wisdom from Grandpa .....


• Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.



• Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.



• Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.



• When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.



• If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.



• On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.



• A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."



• Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.



• Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.



• Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.



• How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?



• You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.



• Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.


Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.







Senior Citizens Are Valuable


We are more valuable than any of the younger generations:



• We have silver in our hair.



• We have gold in our teeth.



• We have stones in our kidneys.



• We have lead in our feet and ....



• We are loaded with natural gas.




Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.








One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque.

"Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor.

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"








"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point.







The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"



The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."








While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."







A brunette goes into a doctor's office:

Brunette: Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Doctor: Well, tell me your symptoms.

Brunette: Well, everything hurts. When I touch my nose it hurts (touching nose), when I touch my leg it hurts (touching leg), when I touch my arm it hurts (touching arm), it just hurts everywhere!

Doctor (after looking at her for a second):
Did you used to be a blonde?

Brunette: Why yes!

Doctor: Your finger's broken.








Two Irish nuns were on their way to a new convent in the US and on the plane ride over, one nun told that other that she had heard that Americans eat dogs. The other nun was rather aghast, but she said,"When in Rome, do as the Romans do..."

After getting settled, the more adventurous nun said to the other that they should go try one of those dogs. So they set off and found a local hot DOG stand. Each nun ordered one and they took their "dogs" to the park to eat under the trees. Finally one nun becomes brave and opened up the wrapping on hers.

She looked at it and her face turned bright red. After what seemed like an hour, she finally looked at the other nun and said," "So what part of the dog did you get?"







One day, near the end of the work day, an eager young executive stepped out into the hallway outside his office and noticed the CEO standing in front of the shredder with a document in his hand.

The young executive approached the CEO, who said "My secretary is not here today. Could you show me how to operate this thing?"

The young executive, seeing a chance to "dazzle the boss", took possession of the document, slipped it into the shredder, and pressed the start button, thereby shredding the document.

The CEO responded "I appreciate that, but all I wanted was One Copy!!!"








I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm,too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries..it's a long walk."







A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane.

He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"

Eagerly, she shakes her head, Yes!

As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."







Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.

The first blonde said, "I think they're deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "I think they're dog tracks!"

The third blonde said, "Well, I think they're cow tracks!"

They were still arguing when the train hit them.







A Blonde walked in to an electronics store and said,"I want to buy that T.V."

The manager said, "Sorry,we don't sell to blonde's."

So she dyed her hair black and went into the store. Then she said, "I want to buy that T.V."

She got the same response that time and 2 other times when she dyed her hair different colors. So she asked him "How do you know I'm a blonde."

And He Answered: " Because that's not a T.V., it's a microwave!"







A woman was putting flowers on her Grandmother's grave when she noticed another woman, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away.

The woman was on her knees, hands tightly clasped in front of her, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down her cheeks, moaning softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" over and over again.

The first woman was overcome with emotion at the sight and went over to the poor woman to try and console her.

"Why did you die? Why did you die?" again and again. She gently put her arm around the woman and half whispered to her, "My Grandmother is buried just over there, is a loved one of yours buried here?"

"No," sniffled the woman, "It's my husband's first wife."







An elderly married couple had their annual medical exams on the same day.

After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man,"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.

The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is in July and the second time is in December!"







A grandmother was pleasantly surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee.

She drank what was, without a doubt, the worst cup of coffee she had ever had in her life.
When she got to the bottom, she saw three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, can you tell me why there are little army men in my coffee?"

Her grandson grinned and said, "Grandma, don't you know what they say on TV? 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"








Bumper Stickers

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you are abusing the privelege


Stop animal experimentation - Use lawyers


Kids in the front seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause kids.


Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.


Don't steal. The government hates competition.


Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them


I'm the reason men are scared of women.


If I could get a firm grip on reality I'd choke it.


I brake for faeries, elves, gnomes, leprechauns, and other invisible creatures that only I can see.


P.M.S ?!! Hell, this is one of my better days!!


Three out of four voices in my head said I should stay home and clean the guns.


The closer you get the slower I go.







"A Few Of My Favorite Things"

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knittin',
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittin's,
Bundles of magazines tied up with string,
These are a few of my favorite things.


Cadillacs and cateracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.


When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
Then I remember my favorite things and I don't feel so bad.


Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food and no food with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.


Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
These are a few of my favorite things.


When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And I won't feel so bad.








Red shoes and purses and boas with feathers,
Earrings that sparkle and big diamond rings
These are a few of our favorite things.
Tulle covered red hats and red hats with veiling,


Curvy red visors and red hats for sailing,
Red hats of cotton all crocheted from string
These are a few of our favorite things.
We're the Red Hats


Yes, the Red Hats
Loving life, not sad
And while we are wearing our favorite things
We truly all feel so glad!
Red hats with wide brims and red hats with roses,


Red hats with ribbons and red hats with posies,
Bonnets we keep on by tying their strings
These are a few of our favorite things
Red hats with sequins or long trailing feathers,


Red hats of velvet and hats of red leather,
Neat hats and chic hats, the smiles that they bring
These are a few of our favorite things
We're the Red Hats


Yes the Red Hats
Loving life, not sad
And while we are wearing our favorite things
We truly all feel so glad!








An Anthem for Ladies who wear Red Hats

(Lyrics copyright Barbara Lukas 2003)

We have reached the age of fifty
We have always done our duty
So some freedoms we have won
We wear our colors proudly
In the rain and in the sun
Red Hats are marching on!
Glory, glory hallelujah,

CHORUS

Glory, glory hallelujah,
Glory, glory hallelujah,
Red hats are marching on!

New friends and new adventures
Are what we're all about,
We're the gals with lots of "hattitude"
Of that there is no doubt
Add your voices to our chorus
And hear us as we shout
Red hats are marching on!
REPEAT CHORUS

Sisterhood is powerful
At least that's what we're told
Cavorting with the Red Hats means
We never will grow old
We wear our colors proudly,
Scarlet, crimson purple bold
Red hats are marching on!
REPEAT CHORUS

Our numbers are a growing
All across the USA
As waves and waves of Red Hat gals
Come out to laugh and play
Join hands across the nation and
Together we will say
Red hats are marching on!

REPEAT CHORUS







psssst! Next page is better!








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