When I was in my younger days, I weighed a few pounds less, I needn't hold my tummy in to wear a belted dress - but now that I am older,I've set my body free; There's comfort of elastic where once my waist would be.

Inventor of those high-heeled shoes - my feet have not forgiven; I have to wear a nine now, but used to wear a seven... and how about those pantyhose - they're sized by weight, you see, so how come when I put them on the crotch is at my knee?

I need to wear these glasses as the print's been getting smaller; and it wasn't very long ago I know that I was taller. Though my hair has turned to gray and my skin no longer fits, on the inside, I'm the same old me, it's the outside's changed a bit.

But, on a positive note...I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn'tgo through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart,I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Please share this to five phenomenal women today. If you do, something good will happen... you will boost another woman's self esteem. If you don't... the elastic will break and your panty hose will fall down around your ankles.

How to Bake a Cake with a Baby in the House
Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients. Remove blocks and toy autos from table. Grease pan, crack nuts. Measure two cups flour; Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby. Remeasure flour. Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter. Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor. Get another bowl. Answer doorbell. Return to kitchen. Remove baby's hands from bowl. Wash baby. Answer phone. Return. Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan. Look for baby. Grease another pan. Answer telephone. Return to kitchen and find baby. Remove baby's hands from bowl. Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it. Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table. Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes. Call baker. Lie down.

Non-conformist

Definition of a "gentleman": any man who can describe a beautiful woman without using his hands.

Dorothy Parker - 1893-1967

Ever hear of Dorothy Parker? She has always been a favorite of mine. Dorothy was a poet, short-story writer, theater critic and screenwriter, Dorothy Parker is best remembered for her wit. Below are a few choice examples: On learning that Calvin Coolidge was dead she remarked, "How could they tell?"

"Are you Dorothy Parker?" a guest at a party inquired. "Yes, do you mind?"

"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."

In a book review: "This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown aside with great force."

In 1925, Harold Ross was struggling to keep The New Yorker magazine alive with a tiny, inexperienced staff and an office with one typewriter. Running into Dorothy, Ross said, "I thought you were coming into the office to write a piece last week. What happened?" Dorothy replied, "Somebody was using the pencil."

"I can't write five words but that I change seven."

"Brevity is the soul of lingerie."

"I like to have a martini... Two at the very most. After three I'm under the table. After four I'm under my host!"

In the street once Dorothy approached a taxi. "I'm engaged," the cabbie said. "Then be happy," she told him.

Wasn't the Yale prom wonderful? "If all the girls in attendance were laid end to end," she said, "I wouldn't be at all surprised."

"Look at him, a rhinestone in the rough."

"Salary is no object: I want only enough to keep body and soul apart."

"You know, that woman speaks 18 languages, and she can't say "no" in any of them."

"His body has gone to his head."

In a 1933 review of the play "The Lake" starring Katherine Hepburn:"Miss Hepburn runs the gamut of emotions from A to B"

"Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses."

Of the play "The House Beautiful": "The House Beautiful is The Play Lousy."

Young man to Dorothy Parker: "I can't bear fools." Dorothy Parker to young man: "Funny, your mother could."

Another book review: "He is beyond question a writer of power; and his power lies in his ability to make sex so thoroughly, graphically and aggressively unattractive that one is fairly shaken to ponder how little one has been missing."

For her own epitaph:"Excuse my dust."

MY RESUME
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - Mainly because it was a sew-sew job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy enough. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

I finally got a job as a historian - until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. So I retired...and found I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB !