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Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week! -- Maggie Kuhn **************************************************************

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter!

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Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death

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It's wonderful to be married to an archaeologist - the older you get the more interested he is in you

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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what d o you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs,

--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thankfully, I still have my driver's license.

--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final request s. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Arizona. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.

Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

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Are you a Martha or a Maxine?

*Martha's Way*

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

*Maxine's Way *

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

Martha's Way

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Maxine's Way

Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's Way

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Maxine's Way

Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's Way

If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

Maxine's Way

If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

Martha's Way

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Maxine's Way

Celery?

Martha's Way

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Maxine's Way

If Mrs. Smith wanted her frozen pies to have a glossy finish, they'd come out of the oven that way.

Martha's Way

Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Maxine's Way

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! Martha's Way

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Maxine's Way

Just beat the hell out of them on a counter top until they give up!!!!!!!!!!

Martha's Way

Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Maxine's Way

Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!

----- DON'T MESS WITH OLD LADIES

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving

license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

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A is for Apple, and B is for Boat, That used to be right, But now it won't float!

Age before Beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now A's for arthritis;

B's the bad back,

C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it be low;

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget ! what comes next

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P for prescription! s, I have quite a few,

just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;

V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?

X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,

And I've kept twenty-six 'doctors' fully employed!!!.

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I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'. I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!" Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

************************************************************* Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50 or hovering over 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to be nice and conform to the fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon the world.

So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the results.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together:

1. A nose ring and bifocals,

2. Spiked hair and bald spots,

3. A pierced tongue and dentures,

4. Miniskirts and support hose,

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads,

6. Speedos and cellulite,

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar,

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor,

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge,

10. Bikinis and liver spots,

11. Short shorts and varicose veins,

12. In-line skates and a walker.