If you laugh (or groan in agony) at any of these, you are required to immediately email the Springtime City Kiwanis Club about potentially becoming a member of our Kiwanis Club.

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

Joan, who was a rather well proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.

Bob stood over his tee spot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

Hillary Clinton had an accident and an early demise. Arriving at the Pearly Gates, she stomped up to the head of the line at St. Peter's desk. St. Peter politely informed her that down on Earth she may have had privileges, but up here she would have to wait her turn in line. While waiting, she noticed one wall covered with hundreds of thousands of clocks and she noticed that occasionally one would jump ahead by 15 minutes. She asked the person sitting next to her what this was all about. "Well, as I understand it, each of these clocks represents some man down on Earth. Each time he commits adultery, his time is advanced by 15 minutes." "Can you tell me which is my husband's clock?" Hillary asked St. Peter. "Oh, yes," St. Peter replied. "God has it in his office. He uses it as a fan."

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "Because the tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

This burglar is breaking into some house at night. Sneaking around he suddenly hears: "Jesus is watching you!". The burglar is shocked, ducks down, remains silent for a while, but nothing happens. After a minute or so he decides to continue his search for the jewelry, so he gets up again. Again he hears, but a little louder and more like a warning: "Jesus is still watching you!". "Good heavens!" he thinks, "What's going on here?". He still doesn't dare to use his light, though. Silently he slides backward and again -and really loud this time-: "Jesus is *really* watching you!". Ok, this guy is almost getting a heart attack and switches on his Maglite. After a little looking around he detects this parrot.
Burglar: "A parrot?"
Parrot: "Yes, that's me!"
Burglar: "You can talk pretty well"
Parrot: "Yes, I'm already 50 years of age"
Burglar: "Phew that's not bad! You live here?"
Parrot: "Yep!"
Burglar: "Gosh I really thought something weird was going on here! What's your name?"
Parrot: "Moses"
Burglar: "Moses? That's a weird name for a parrot?"
Parrot: "Not as weird as 'Jesus' for a rottweiler!"

Q: What would the villain’s name be in a movie about vegetables in outer space? A: Darth Tater

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs. "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs. 'The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When she checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Signed, Your eternally loving husband.
PS. Sure is hot down here.

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three-legged chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, and as he was driving, he noticed the chicken was running at 30 mph. "Pretty fast chicken," he thought, "I wonder just how fast it can run." So he sped up, and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph! Suddenly, the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three-legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer, "How did you get all these three-legged chickens?" The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see, it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three-legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece." "That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?" "Don't rightly know, none of us can catch 'em!"

Q: What do you call someone in Gainesville, FL (gator country) with an IQ of 200?
A: a tourist p>

It finally happened

ACTUAL CLIPPINGS FROM CHURCH NEWSLETTERS/BULLETINS:

• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
  
  
• Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Prayer and Fasting Conference includes meals.”
  
  
• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
  
  
• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
  
  
• The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching For Jesus.”
  
  
• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  
  
• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
  
  
• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth Into Joy.”
  
  
• Don’t let worry kill you---let the church help.
  
  
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to the choir practice.
  
  
• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  
  
• The Lutheran men’s group will meet at 6pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and desert will be served for a nominal fee. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  
  
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
  
  
• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
  
  
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
  
  
• Potluck supper Sunday at 5pm. Prayer and medication to follow.
  
  
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  
  
• This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  
  
• Bible Study for ladies will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS is done.
  
  
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
  
  
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.
  
  
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  
  
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
  
  
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new donation campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

JC recently passed away, and now it can be told!

Only a Texan could think of this .... from the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, TX. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patron left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan.

"Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

English Language

If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The farm was used to produce produce.
• The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
• We must polish the Polish furniture.
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
• Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
• A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
• I did not object to the object.
• The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
• A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong to wind the sail
• After a number of injections my jaw got number.
• Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

• There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine inpineapple.

• English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries inFrance.

• Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

• Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

• And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

• If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

• If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

• If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

• If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

• In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
• Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
• Have noses that run and feet that smell?
• How can a slim chance & a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

• You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, ! they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

"The Truly Useful Golf Book"

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

Chapter 7 - Crying and How to Handle it

Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers Before 10am

Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round

Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 11 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th

Chapter 12 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome

Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee

Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 15 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt

Chapter 16 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever

Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in Sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.

"Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

I don't think my sister's marriage will last. Her new husband has a foot fetish, and on their honeymoon, he got off on the wrong foot.

There's nothing grate about sliced cheese. (Daniel Riehs)

Crack dealers stick their business in other people's noses

I've heard that the government is planning on taxing the mathematically illiterate. Wait!! Isn't that called the lottery? (Bob Dvorak)

I used to frequent a buffet restaurant, one where you even get your own drinks, but they still want to get tipped. At the exit there was a box bolted to the wall with a sign on it that said "tip box." I tried to, but it was too firmly bolted to tip it. (Barry Austern)

I tried snorting Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

If a man were forced to serve two prison terms, I suppose he'd have a compound sentence. (Douglas Helsel)

The math department felt they weren't getting enough students registering as math majors, so they made a commercial and aired it on prime time--1 o'clock, 2 o'clock, 3 o'clock, 5 o'clock, 7 o'clock, and 11 o'clock. (Bob Dvorak)

Cars driven at night burn midnight oil. (George Sholin)

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A mathematician scolding his child: "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times." (Bob Dvorak)

Applying mascara in a car can cause whipped lashes. (Pun of the Day)

While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her. Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing and then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. The pro just stood there and stared at the novice. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said after he was able to speak again. "Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

The average person only gets 7 right. This is based on U.S. info, so use all lobes of your brain. This can be more difficult than it looks -it just shows how little most of us really see! There are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder than you think. It just shows how little we pay attention to the commonplace things of life.

RULES: Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No looking around! No getting out of your chair! No using anything on or in your desk or computer!

Can you beat 20?? (The average is 7)

It doesn't matter if you cheat, actually, because if you have to cheat, then you don't know the answer, thus, you've already missed the question. BE HONEST!!! That means no looking at your phone or anything on your desk..

LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE. - If not, just have fun!

Here we go!

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know.)
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters on them?
6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg? (Don't you dare get up to see!)
7. How many matches are in! a standard pack?
8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? (Don't look at that dial!)
10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise? (Get out of the bathroom!)
11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?
14. Which way do fans rotate?
15. How many sides does a stop sign have?!
16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
17. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
21. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?
22. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?
23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?

Subject: CAMP LETTER

Dear Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Cole