Random thoughts:

This is a journal entry I thought I'd share, tell me what you think.

As an infinitesimal piece of an infinite system one ponders the relevance of action versus inaction. In a world where the greatest of accomplishments can go unnoticed and effect nothing, but the smallest most seemingly insignificant moment in time can forever change the course of history, not just for the self but for all of mankind, we become caught in the quandary of philosophical paralysis. By what standard do we hold ourselves to? What measure can be the final arbiter of worth? Some would say that we define our own worth by our perception, that a positive outlook on the possibilities can help us feel valued. In most cases I would agree, however what is perceived value? Isn’t that another way of saying “False value”? A perception is, by its nature, skewed. Twisted by the preconceived notions of the personal point of view.

Others would have us believe that God or the divine is the final arbiter of both worth and truth. That as the highest authority worth and truth are dictated to us through a variety of means and that life is a quest to discover these objective realities. Again, in some cases that would seem almost noble. However I again find fault as that if the divine sets down the perimeters of worth and truth, can those things be changed by said source? Can God change what is and is not valued? I’m not sure I enjoy the idea that the value of my actions or my personal worth is subject to whimsical change by an unknown entity or force.

Even others would have us believe that the value of our actions can be measured by the effect they have on those around us. That our worth is directly proportionate to the positive things we bring into being. This is the closest to what pleases my psyche however again I have a few issues. How does one go about judging “positive effects”? Can we know for sure what is and is not a good thing in all cases? On a side note, this form of measurement would have me breaking out just about even for my life so far, a depressing truth to be sure. As I look back across my life and witness the chain of events that followed my every choice right up until sitting here in my cubicle, I am forced to wonder if “breaking even” is even accurate. You’ve all heard the phrase “No evil deed goes unpunished” I’m sure. You’ve also heard the cynical “No good deed goes unpunished” as well. I’m starting to believe that no action at all goes unpunished. Not only that, but also no inaction goes unpunished either. I know what you’re thinking, it all sounds overly pessimistic and dramatic but I think there’s a touch of truth in it. But then again, how would we know? It all comes down to strength really. Strength to make it through day to day. To live life in such a way that at any moment in time we can say quite honestly “I’m doing my best”. I’ve always believed that true strength comes not from false bravado but rather form doing what is right even if you know it will hurt. My problem lately has been knowing what’s right. Lately I haven’t had the slightest clue. I try so hard, with concentrated, conscious effort, to be the pillar of strength. To be the kind of man that people can look up to and respect, to earn their trust and confidence. To be honest it’s been like quicksand lately. With ever action I make to correct something, something else goes wrong. One thing goes wrong, and then another and another. You stop to think things through, only to slip further down while you ponder. Despite all my effort I’m still distrusted, disrespected and mocked. Those who have been closest to me betray me, those who I trusted the most mock me. If I can not inspire loyalty and honor then what am I doing? Before long it seems as though you’re just in over your head and it is time to just start over. Is that cowardice? Or pragmatism? Is the only noble course to suffer? How long before the nobility of silent suffering becomes the decay of soul and the destruction of self worth? Where is the line between nobility and psychological disorder?

What choice do I have? I will stand. I will persevere. Day to day the choices I make may or may not be the ripples in the pond that I desire but they will reflect who and what I am. I will be true to my ideals, my loved ones and myself. I will stand, shaking my fist in the face of the darkness and beat back the storm with the force of my will. When the clouds recede and the light shines through, the warmth will convince everyone around me that value exists and that the journey to seek the truth is worth the effort.

In the darkness
beyond hope
past redemption
it lives

like a poison
seeping
like a viper
coiling

but still

shadow growing
animal howling

but silent

caged but not conquered
known but ignored

patient, devious
intelligent, sadistic
adaptive, viral

within a breath
in the between
where thought has no meaning
where time has no power
it strikes
past wood, stone and steel
through the cracks it knows weakness

doubt, sorrow
guilt, envy
fear, desire

devestating in it's totality
freezing with it's touch
your heart is gripped
tears fall
torrential
even as you realize
in your minds eye

It's you

In your eyes
I see my need
In your voice
I hear my hope
In your touch
I feel my completion

Love is the fire
in which I burn

My heart is not perfect
not whole or smooth
torn from the piece
I gave to you

Love is the fire
in which I burn

I reach for you
exposed
but grasp nothing
as you've flinched
afraid

Love is the fire
in which I burn

Forlorn
I burn alone

He didn’t remember hitting the ground. In fact he didn’t even know what caused him to leave his feet. Lying there on his back in the cool wet grass, Lance looked up at the blue sky of spring trying to clear his head. His thoughts began to focus and he remembered that there was still a fight going on. Clear headed at last, Lance sprang to his feet to see his friend Sebastian standing a few paces away from him, a smirk plastered across his angular face. Sebastian, just past his 22nd year, was a tall man but in contrast to Lance’s bald head and powerfully built body, he was thin and toned with long dark hair that fell just past his shoulders. They had been friends for as long as Lance could remember, training their whole lives together in what seemed like a never-ending quest for perfection. Time had finally caught up with them though and this little sparring match could very well be their last. Determination set into his face as he moved to attack his friend. Knowing that trying to match Sebastian’s speed was a fools task Lance did the only thing he thought might work: overpower him. Charging head on at Sebastian, Lance prepared himself for the flurry of blows he knew was coming. True to his instincts the smirk on Sebastian’s face faded as he dodged to the side of Lance’s charge, raining down quick precision strikes. Lance was tough though, tougher than any man had a right to be. Absorbing the punishment with resolve, Lance grabbed hold of Sebastian’s loose fighting uniform and managed to hold him. Struggling against Lance’s might, Sebastian’s eyes began to glow with an eerie blue flame. Before Sebastian could free himself, Lance moved with surprising speed, striking his face with such force that he was lifted from his feet and landed hard a good ten paces away, the blue energy in his eyes creating a trail of light like a fiery rainbow. Now Lance was smirking, glad he had managed to wipe that look from his friend’s face. Sooner than Lance had thought possible, Sebastian was back on his feet coming towards him like lightning. Not prepared for him Lance retreated back, trying his best to defend against the sudden onslaught. He lashed out trying to counter Sebastian’s movements but only managed to throw himself off balance, a mistake that he knew Sebastian would take advantage of. Ducking under the blow, Sebastian unleashed a kick into Lance’s chest that knocked the wind from his lungs with hurricane force. The rest was a blur of motion, a dance of attacks that did not end until he was once again dazed and laying on his back on the now familiar grass. He could feel the welts on his face beginning to rise and the broken ribs stab him as he breathed. Sebastian stood over him, sweating and out of breath himself. He extended his hand down and helped his friend stand. “You almost had me that time Lance, but you failed to press your advantage” Sebastian said between gasps for air. Lance’s response came in jagged pieces “A mistake…I will..not.. repeat…” Laughing and holding onto each other for balance, they began the short walk home. They fell silent as they walked, each consumed by their thoughts of the future. The towering snow-capped Shindu mountains framed the beautifully lush valley of (Wehali?) where they lived. Lance was the first to brake the silence, “So we’re really going to do this then huh?” he said, his eyes locked on the far off mountains. Sebastian sighed heavily and nodded. “You know we are, we have to.”

The people of (country) lived in a golden age of peace and prosperity. Not to say that they were lazy or complacent, they earned their happiness with blood and tears in the great hundred-year war and will always remain vigilant. No, most people were cautiously optimistic about the future; others took to the good times with wild abandon. Others still saw it as an opportunity for mischief. Everyone though agreed on one thing, they owed it all to the heroic efforts and wisdom of the King and Queen. I’ll tell you more about them later, for now it’s important for you to understand the history and politics of the kingdom to give everything some perspective. You see, more than a hundred years ago power in the kingdom was divided between the King and the five noble houses. Just as it is today. The difference being that then each house had it’s own standing army. Each house trained it’s own warriors and each specialized in a different form of combat. Each house was individually responsible for it’s territory’s production and safety. Each house had a Master and a Champion (sometimes one and the same, but often the son of the Master) and they both had a seat on the central counsel. Now the theory was that each house would produce superior warriors in their field and that all of houses would come to the defense of the kingdom in times of need. It was thought that such a combined force would be far superior to any enemy army. As you may have guessed, it didn’t always turn out that way. As is the nature of man, the dynamic fell victim to jealousy and greed.