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January 2009 S M T W T F S         1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31

The Flip Side

Don't look at me!
I didn't vote for Bush...

Some Old, Some New


Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat 'til the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose...some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are...

...contributed by Cathy

Maybe no one
will notice me
if I pretend to be
a picture!

How many people
do you see in this
picture?Are you sure??

AND THE MORAL of the STORY IS...

One day, while a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water, and she needed the thimble to make her living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying?"

Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?"
the Lord asked. Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

DUMB THIEF

A man took two live lobsters from a tank in a Boston, MA supermarket and stuffed them down his trousers. the lobsters fastened onto his manhood and refused to let go. Doctors reportedly said the result was a "do-it-yourself" vasectomy and told him he might never be a father.


DUMB DRIVER

A hungry man driving a large motor home set the "cruise control" so he could go in the back and make a sandwich.


DUMB MECHANIC

When a couple arrived to pick up their car, they were told the keys had been locked inside. They found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. The couple tried the passenger side door and it was unlocked. "It's open!" they said. The mechanic replied "I know. I already did that side."

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BILLIONAIRES FOR BUSH

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What to say to a telemarketer...

What's it worth?
"Now before I listen to your pitch, there are a few things we need to cover. My minimum rate for listening is $35 an hour. Of course, I can offer you upgrades that give you additional benefits, as well as a greater chance that I may buy what you are selling. The deluxe package is $55 per hour and offers a 2 percent chance of purchase, and the super-deluxe package is $75 per hour, and offers a 3 percent chance of purchase. Now before we get to that, I will need you to send in an application as well as a minimal application fee of $55. You will also need to include with your payment a $35 payment for a credit report. Once your credit has been approved, I will be able to accept your non-refundable good-faith security deposit, which I require, of $100. After closing, and you have paid my standard closing costs of $250, we will then be able to proceed with your sales pitch. Can I sign you up?"

It's my job
to BUG you...

The Naked Truth

A world famous artist was painting landscapes and portraits while visiting Rome. A nobleman requested a meeting with him.The nobleman said, "Sir, I will give you a thousand pieces of gold to paint my mistress nude."

The artist stated that he did not do that type of work as his moral standards would not allow it.

The nobleman returned a week later and said, "Sir, I know that you are an honorable man but my mistress is very impressed with your work. I will give you five thousand pieces of gold if you will paint her nude."

Once again, the artist refused stating his moral code as an excuse.

A month later, the nobleman returned and said, "Sir I will give you ten thousand gold pieces to paint my mistress nude."

The artist thought for a while and said, "Come back tomorrow and I will give you my answer."

The nobleman arrived bright and early the following day. He repeated his offer, "...ten thousand gold pieces to paint his mistress nude."

The artist said, "My wife gave me permission to paint your mistress nude with the one condition that I must keep my socks on as I suffer from arthritis."

BEWARE!!!!
Night of the living Fred...

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Found on a blog spot:

The Perils of Awaiting a Homemade Pizza

Next time you find yourself making a pizza and the phone rings, make sure that the following doesn’t happen:

1. You take the phone call;

2. The cat jumps onto the table, sits in the cheese and starts to eat your pizza;

3. You come back into the kitchen, yell and scare the cat;

4. He jumps off the table and knocks your pizza on to the floor;

5. The dog athletically leaps on the pizza remains and eats them

…If that were to happen, then you’d be annoyed. I guess.

I mean, I’m obviously not speaking from experience here…

Speaking of Pizza...

A glimpse of things to come...

Ordering A Pizza In 2008

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?"

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302, and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "Well! What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it." Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right . Give me two family-sized ones, then."

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. Your total is $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45

minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up

while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."

Customer: "How in the world do you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repossed. But your Harley's paid up.

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke".

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."

Nette James
Asst. Examiner - CSO
630-241-0359

Even the longest journey begins with the first step.
--Chinese Proverb