THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME...

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a
tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me for sympathy."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you".

*******************************************************************

Subject: History Lesson

I don't know if this is all true (for example, tomatoes are a New World
vegetable), but it's interesting. It's a long read, but check it out;
it's fun.

LIFE IN THE 1500'S

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because
the water temperature isn't just how you like it,
think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly
bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June.
However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet
of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when
getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house
had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all
the other sons and men, then the women and finally
the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty
you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and
other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals
would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and
other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over
the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other
than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor."
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery
in the winter when wet , so they spread thresh (straw)
on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on,
they added more thresh until, when you opened the door,
it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood
was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "threshhold."

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire
and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat
the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight
and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it
that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme,
"Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge
in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off..
It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around
and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing
lead poisoning death.
This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years
or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom
of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.
The combination would sometimes knock
the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead
and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days
and the family would gather around and eat and drink
and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins
and would take the bones to a "bone-house"
and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins,
one out of twenty-five coffins were found to have scratch marks
on the inside, and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse,
lead it through the coffin and up through the ground
and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night
(the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell;
thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered
a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth... maybe.

Kids and Church Chuckles

It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed
home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home,
they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.

"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."

"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday
I don't go, He shows up!"

**********

One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's
sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg.
He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"

"I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"

**********

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support
your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

**********

Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.

Grandma answered, "Thirty-nine and holding."

Johnny thought for a moment, then said, "And how old would you be
if you let go?"

**********

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around
the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly,
"Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five."

**********

During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying
until she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached over to
my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took
to start my mother's tears flowing. After the wedding, Mom went over
to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture
triggered her outburst.

Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied,
"but I was just checking to see if your father was still alive."

**********

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me,
do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My Mom is a good cook!"

*********

"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother
on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick
he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?"

"I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls
if you came to visit."

(Thanks to Jean Pieczonka Looney!)

**********

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Subject: WAR BETWEEN IRELAND AND
FRANCE AVERTED

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office
wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the
United States when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially
declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news!
How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,
me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from
the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men
in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again.
"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed
to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks
and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army
to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day.
"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns
in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac!
I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints,
and decided there's no way we can afford to feed
two hundred thousand prisoners. “

(Thanks to Dave Long !)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SIGNS OF THE TIMES

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
“Yesterday's Meals on Wheels”

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call call your plumber.."

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg.
We just want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume
you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in
your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry,
Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”

Catholic Horses

Bubba was from Pflugerville and was a hard-shell
Lutheran. He loved to sneak away to the
race track. One day he was there betting on the
ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed
a priest step out onto the track and bless
the forehead of one of the horses lining up
for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse
-- a very long shot -- won the race.
Bubba was most interested to see what the priest
did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the
priest step out onto the track and bless the
forehead of one of the horses.

Bubba made a beeline for the window and placed
a small bet on the horse. Again, even though
another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed
won the race. Bubba collected his winning and anxiously
waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his
blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed
up, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won!
Bubba was elated! As the day went on, the
priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it
always came in first. Bubba began to pull in
some serious money, and by the last race, he
knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.
He made a quick stop at the ATM,
withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing
that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto
the track before the last race and blessed the
forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
Bubba bet every cent, and watched the horse come
in dead last.

He was dumbfounded. He made his way to
the track, and when he found the priest,
he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you
blessed horses and they won. The last race,
you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've
lost my savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the
problem with you Protestants... you can't tell the
difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

###########################

TRUE TOMBSTONE INSCRIPTIONS...

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft
to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.

******************************

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up And no place to go.

******************************

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
The Good Die Young.

******************************

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallenstein wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

******************************

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me For not rising.

******************************

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

******************************

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

******************************

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

******************************

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.

******************************

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.

******************************

Anna Hopewell's grave
in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

******************************

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

******************************

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

And for all you proofreaders out there...

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the olny iprmoetnt thing is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
are in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef
but the wrod as a wlohe and the biran fguiers it out aynawy.

PILLS

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all,
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones so big and bright
Stop my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know
Is what tells each one where to go?
by A. Nonymous

Subject: The Woodpecker May Have To Go!!!

. Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...

One: Don't miss the boat. Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat. Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. Four: Stay fit! When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big. Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. Six: Build your future on high ground. Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs. Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. Nine: When you're stressed, float a while. Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals! Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

DON'T BLAME THE SENIORS!

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.
BUT, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music;
The pride out of appearance;
The romance out of love;
The commitment out of marriage;
The responsibility out of parenthood;
The togetherness out of the family;
The learning out of education;
The service out of patriotism;
The religion out of school;
The Golden Rule out of rulers;
The nativity scene out of cities;
The civility out of behavior;
The refinement out of language;
The dedication out of employment;
The prudence out of spending; or
The ambition out of achievement.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

Does anyone under the age of fifty know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?
Just look at those old folks with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

And, unless many of our younger generation learn to count in the absence of computers and calculators, they will be back to counting on their fingers and toes.

Remember…inside every older person is a younger person...
Wondering what the hell happened!

SUBJECT: HARD OF HEARING

An old man decided his old wife
was getting hard of hearing.

He called her doctor to make
an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The doctor said he could see her in
two weeks,and meanwhile there's a
simple, informal test the husband could do
to give the doctor some idea of the
dimensions of the problem.

"Here's what you do.
Start about 40 feet away from her,
and speak in a normal conversational
tone and see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet,20 feet,
and so on until you get a response.

So that evening she's in the kitchen
cooking dinner, and he's in the
living room, and he says to himself,
"I'm about 40 feet away...
let's see what happens.

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room,
about 30 feet away.

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves in the dining room,
about 20 feet away.

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

At the kitchen door, ten feet away.

"Honey, what's for supper?"
STILL no response.

So he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for supper?"

She turns around and yells into his face,
"For the fifth freaking time, it's CHICKEN!!

If you have a joke you would like us to put on this page,
and it's in good taste, please send it to:
Webmaster

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