Fun Stuff

Fun Stuff

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco And some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... So does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

Interesting Facts About the Human Body

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
A full bladder is roughly the size of a softball.
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6lb).
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
The attachment of human muscle to skin is what causes dimples.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died
Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
When you are looking at someone your love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
Your ears secrete more earway when you are afraid than when you aren't.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dessolve something, you cannot taste it.
The average woman is five inches shorter that the average man.

ATM PIN

A recent tragedy of a young woman being kidnapped and eventually killed; after she had repeatedly given the kidnapper a wrong PIN to her ATM card.

Here you go. If you would ever be forced by a robber to withdraw money from an ATM machine, you can notify the police by entering your pin # in REVERSE.
For example if your pin number is 1234, then you would put in 4321.
The ATM recognizes that your pin number is backwards from the ATM card you placed in the machine. The machine will still give you the money you requested; but unknown to the robber, the police will immediately dispatched to help you.

Vincent van Gogh's relatives were:
Verti Gogh......................His dizzy aunt
Gotta Gogh......................The brother who eats prunes
Chica Gogh......................A cousin from Illinois
Where-Diddy Gogh................His magician uncle
Amee Gogh.......................A Mexican cousin
Gring Gogh......................Another Mexican cousin
Wellsfar Gogh...................A nephew who drives stagecoachs
Cant Gogh.......................The constipated uncle
Tang Gogh.......................The ballroom dancing aunt
Flamin Gogh.....................The bird loving uncle
E Gogh..........................A psychoanalyst Uncle
Man Gogh........................A cousin who loves fruit
Poe Gogh........................a bouncy little nephew
Go Gogh.........................his sister who loves disco
Winnie Bay Gogh.................a niece who travels the country
Well, there you gogh!

What Are Grits?
What are grits? Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn. These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.
How Grits are Formed.
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in South Carolina, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).
Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits. They call it Cream of Wheat.. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.
Historical Grits
As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public due to their rarity. The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)
The 10 Commandments of Grits
I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy .
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits.
V. Thou shalt use only salt, butter, and red-eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits.
VI. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits.
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch.
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.
How to Cook Grits
For one serving of Grits: Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. Add 5 TBsp of Grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water. When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That's all there is to cooking grits.
How to make red eye gravy
Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Great on grits and biscuits.
How to Eat Grits
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.)
In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they caused cancer, rotten teeth and impotence.
Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)
Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.
The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.)
Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think its Cream of Wheat!
Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:
(Leftover grits are extremely rare) Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish, Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight. The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass. Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2" of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown. Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable.
TRADITIONAL BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS
May the lord bless these grits, May no Damnyankee ever get the recipe, May I eat grits every day while living, And may I die while eating grits.
AMENThings to do with WD40
Interesting!!! A refresher course--who knew?
I had a neighbor who had bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do. Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I'm impressed! WD-40 who knew? Water Displacement #40. The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a ' water displacement' compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40. The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts.
Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you...' IT IS MADE FROM FISH OIL' When you read the 'shower door' part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It is a miracle! Then try it on your stovetop... It is now shinier than it has ever been before.
1) Protects silver from tarnishing.
2) Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3) Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4) Gives floors that ..just-waxed.. sheen without making it slippery.
5) Keeps flies off cows.
6) Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7) Removes lipstick stains. 9) Untangles jewelry chains.
10) Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11) Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12) Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13) Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14) Keeps glass shower doors free of waterspots.
15) Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16) Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17) Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
18) It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19) Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car.Remove immediately with wd40.
20) Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21) Lubricates gear shift on lawn mowers.
22) Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23) Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24) Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25) Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26) Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27) Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28) Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29) Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30) Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31) Removes splattered grease on stove.
32) Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33) Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34) Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35) Removes all traces of duct tape.
36) Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain .
37) Florida 's favorite use 'Cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.'
38) Protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39) WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time.
40) Fire ant bites . It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41) WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42) If you've washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and re-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
43) If you spray WD-40 on the distributor cap, it will displace the moisture and allow the car to start.
I keep a can of WD-40 in my kitchen cabinet over the stove. It is good for oven burns or any other type of burn. It takes the burned feeling away and heals with NO scarring.
Remember, the basic ingredient is FISH OIL.
DANGEROUS CAKE RECIPE

CHOCOLATE CAKE-IN-A-MUG (the MOST DANGEROUS CAKE RECIPE IN THE WORLD)***
1 Coffee Mug
4 Tbsp. cake flour (plain, not self-rising)
4 Tbsp. sugar
2 Tbsp. cocoa
1 egg
3 Tbsp. milk
3 Tbsp. oil
Small splash of vanilla
3 Tbsp. chocolate chips, optional
Add dry ingredients to mug, mix with a fork.
Add egg and mix thoroughly.
Pour in milk and oil and vanilla, mix well.
Put mug in microwave, and cook for three minutes on High.
Cake will rise over top of mug-do not be alarmed!
Allow to cool a little; tip onto a plate if desired.
Eat!
(This can serve two if you want to feel slightly more virtuous.)
*** And WHY is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world?
Because now we all are only five minutes away from chocolate cake any time of the day or night!!!!***

A Red Hat Friend
A friend for laughter,
The color purple for Eccentricity and a Bright Red Hat for Attitude!
Of all the gifts both great and small,
A girlfriend with a Red HAT Is the best girlfriend of them all!
Girlfriend Wisdom!
May your life be a BOLD ADVENTURE,
May your days be filled with GALES OF LAUGHTER,
And may you always live and love BODACIOUSLY!

Body Statistics:
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

READ TO THE BOTTOM FOR QUOTE OF THE MONTH BY JAY LENO. IF YOU DON'T READ ANYTHING ELSE---VERY WELL STATED
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms....... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
If YOU are one of them�CONGRATULATIONS!
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

Ad for Gynecogolist Assistant
A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville , Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist' s Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi.That's about 620 miles from here.'
'Oh, is that where the job is?' 'NO, that is how far the end of the line is now'!

The Ant and the Contact Lens:
A True Story
Brenda was almost halfway to the top of the tremendous granite cliff. She was standing on a ledge where she was taking a breather during this, her first rock climb. As she rested there, the safety rope snapped against her eye and knocked out her contact lens . 'Great', she thought. 'Here I am on a rock ledge, hundreds of feet from the bottom and hundreds of feet to the top of this cliff, and now my sight is blurry.' She looked and looked, hoping that somehow it had landed on the ledge. But it just wasn't there. She felt the panic rising in her, so she began praying.. She prayed for calm, and she prayed that she may find her contact lens.
When she got to the top, a friend examined her eye and her clothing for the lens, but it was not to be found.
Although she was calm now that she was at the top, she was saddened because she could not clearly see across the range of mountains. She thought of the bible verse 'The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth.'
She thought, 'Lord, You can see all these mountains. You know every stone and leaf, and You know exactly where my contact lens is. Please help me.'
Later, when they had hiked down the trail to the bottom of the cliff they met another party of climbers just starting up the face of the cliff. One of them shouted out, 'Hey, you guys! Anybody lose a contact lens?'
Well, that would be startling enough, but you know why the climber saw it? An ant was moving slowly across a twig on the face of the rock, carrying it!
The story doesn't end there. Brenda's father is a cartoonist. When she told him the incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and the contact lens, he drew a cartoon of an ant lugging that contact lens with the caption, 'Lord, I don't know why You want me to carry this thing. I can't eat it, and it's awfully heavy. But if this is what You want me to do, I'll carry it for You.'
I think it would do all of us some good to say, 'God, I don't know why You want me to carry this load. I can see no good in it and it's awfully heavy. But, if You want me to carry it, I will.'
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

LEMONS and SUGAR
This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you be fore they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
So......... always remember.... when life hands you Lemons, ask for Sugar and call me over!
Good friends are like stars. You don't always see them, But you know they are always there.
'Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway'
I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truckload when I'm gone.
Don't you know the phrase 'stop and smell the flowers'? See how many 'bouquets ' you end up with.
Happiness keeps You Sweet, Trials keep You Strong, Sorrows keep You Human, Life keeps You Humble, Success keeps You Glowing, But Only God keeps You Going.

In case you don't know what a hangover is:

A hangover is when you open your eyes in the morning and you wish you hadn't."
A good cure for a hangover is to drink black coffee
the night before instead of the morning after.
The best days not to drink are days that end in the letter, "Y".
But just in case you find yourself with a whopper of a hangover
try one of the followig cures....they're all guaranteed to work.
YOODOO VOODOO CURE
Those spun out Haitan voodoo people recommend sticking thirteen
black pins in the cork of the offending bottle.
Worth a try. Harder with twist tops.
SPIN OUT CURE
When you go to bed at night after a long night of drinking
and you have the spins there is a cure...
put one foot on the ground and keep one in bed.
The Rockin' Fifties
What a great time it was for all of us who were lucky enough to live in that magic time. And if you were in high school then it was pure fun! Bobbi socks, pony tails, penny loafers, rock and roll, ducks butts, sideburns, hoola hoops, American Bandstand, Howdy Doody, and a zillion other things come to mind but the thing that stands out is the dancing! Oh how we danced!
The diners, the blue plate specials, a nickle coke! We could get cheeseburgers for a quarter, luscious milkshakes and real french fries! Yummy!
Hoola hoops swept the nation in a craze! We all tried it and laughed to see our Mom's and Dad's out hoola us all.
Turn tables and 45 records, we all had a collection... Each one about a dollar! You didn't find a drive through restaurant on every corner but there were a few back then...my favorite....... A&W, how about a root beer float! And those sizes...papa beer, mama beer, and don't forget baby beer! A bottle of Pepsi was a dime! I guess a nickel according to this sign! I'm not quite that old! Coke came in those cute little bottles, my Mom's favorite!
Really cool cars too! and if you were a boy, had sideburns, and one of these you were really COOL!
Carhops to serve you, some on roller skates... They had to be good!
Double Bubble bubble gum, with little tiny paper cartoons folded up inside each little package of gum. Try reading one of those today without glasses!
I remember the gas wars...my big brother would check out the prices before he bought his gas, pretty easy to do since the gas stations in our home town all seemed to be in the same block....I remember it being as low as 15 cents a gallon! "Give me a dollars worth," he'd say! he he It was enough for a nights cruisin! And for that buck, they pumped it for you, cleaned your windshield, checked your oil and tires!
The only place I can remember having air conditioning was Woolworths! What a neat dime store that was! My sister and I spent lots of time there checking out everything! At home we cooled off with fans......
I still love those shakes...... but they go right to my hips now! Remember when you could eat all you wanted and never gain an ounce!
The great TV programs we had, I remember our first TV, we were mesmerized! My Mom fell in love with Liberace!
We rushed home from school to watch American Bandstand and learn all the newest dances. And who could forget...
"Hey kids! What time is it?" "It's Howdy Doody time!"
With Clarabell, and Buffalo Bob Smith!
Those days are gone but the memories linger on.... Hey and I can still rock n roll!!
~ Charlotte Anselmo ~
ALONG THE TRELLIS
A friendship true is like pure gold-- it won't wear out because it's old.
A friend is a word the very sight of which in print makes the heart warm.
A friend is a rare book, of which but one copy is made.
The most valuable antiques are old friends.
Friendship improves happiness and abates misery by doubling our joy and dividing our grief.
Friendship is the silver key that unlocks the door to happiness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: HUMAN FACTOIDS !!!!!
This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering....
Scientists say the higher your I.Q the more you dream.
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg
and the smallest is the male sperm.
You use 200 muscles to take one step.
The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.
A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.
A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
The acid in your stomach is strong enough to
dissolve razor blades.
The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the
Encyclopedia Britannica.
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour
as a single cell.
There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to boil.
The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.
When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate,
and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
Your thumb is the same length of your nose.

At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test....
so send this to others that will want to too.
THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA
The computer swallowed grandma. Yes, honestly its true! She pressed 'control' and 'enter' And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely, The thought just makes me squirm. She must have caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind; I've even used the Internet, But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves My searches to refine. The reply from him was negative, Not a thing was found 'online..'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,' My Grandma you should see, Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' her And send her back to me.

Gas Tricks to save you money!!
I don't know what you guys are paying for gasoline....Here in California we are also paying higher, upwards of $3.50 per gallon.
But my line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every gallon.
Here at the Kinder Morgan Pipeline where I work in San Jose , CA we deliver about 4 million gallons in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline.
One day is diesel the next day is jet fuel, and gasoline, regular and premium grades.
We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 gallons.
Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold.
Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground the more dense the gasoline, when it gets warmer gasoline expands,
so buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not exactly a gallon. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol
and other petroleum products play an important role. A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business.
But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.
When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode. If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages:
low, middle, and high. In slow mode you should be pumping on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapor return.
If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage
tank so you're getting less worth for your money.
One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is HALF FULL or HALF EMPTY. The reason for this is, the more gas you have in your tank the less air occupying its empty space.
Gasoline evaporates faster than you can imagine. Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof.
This roof serves as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation. Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature
compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact amount.
Another reminder. If there is a gasoline truck pumping into the storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up--
most likely the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.

A Few Helpful Hints
Expanding Frosting
When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store,
whip it with your mixer for a few minutes.
You can double it in size.
Squirrel Away
To keep squirrels from eating your plants, sprinkle them with
cayenne pepper...squirrels won't come near it.
Static Cling
Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you won't
have a clingy skirt, dress or pants.
Measuring Cups
Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill it
with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry the cup.
Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and
watch how easily it comes right out.
Foggy windshield?
Buy a chalkboard ereser and keep it in the glove box
of your car. When the windows fog up, rub the eraser on the window.
Conditioner
Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's a lot cheaper
than shaving cream and leaves you legs really smooth.
Goodbuy Fruit Flies
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass and
fill it 1/2" with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dishwashing
liquid, mix well. Those flies are drawn to the cup.

A SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!!
A row of bottles on my shelf Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt...

A Red Hat Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles. Please no bags.
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots. Please no gray. And as for my belly, please take it away.
Please keep me healthy Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord for all that you've done.

******************************************************************
WHEN I AM AN OLD CAT
I shall wear a diamond collar and leave my footprints on white couches.
I shall drink my cream with a touch of brandy and spit out my vitamins.
I shall sit on the laps of dog people just to irritate them.
I shall nap on top of the neighbor's petunias and perch on top of birdbaths and grow charmingly chubby.
But for now I must tolerate the dog and use my litter box and not sharpen my claws on the sofa, so no one can doubt the truth that cats are superior to dogs.
But every once in a while I wonder if I should be naughty now and then and nip a few toes, so my humans won't be too shocked when suddenly I become an old cat and start to wear a diamond collar.
Cat's Motto "No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." --Unknown

Mirror, mirror on the wall, Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring light, To make my clothes look just too tight?
I think I�m fine but I can see, you won�t cooperate with me;
The way you let the shadows play, You�d think my hair was getting gray.
What�s that, you say? A double chin? No, that�s the way the light comes in;
If you persist in peering so, You�ll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you�re not hanging straight, You�ll tell me next I�m gaining weight;
I�m really quite upset with you, For giving this distorted view; I hate you being smug and wise, Oh, look what�s happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, Oh mirrored wall, Since we�re not on speaking terms at all, If I look like this in my new jeans, You�ll find yourself in smithereens!
************************************************************************
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE: 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! 6. A Friend Is Like A Good Bra -- Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
MIDLIFE
Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquird mustache.
Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear without turning around.
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat!
Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too"!
Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.
Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.
The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife. Jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.
Midlife is when your 1970's Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally(more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).
Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.
You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions: what is life, why am I here and how much Healthy Choice icecream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? -Author Unknown

What Every Woman Should Know
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... One friend who Always makes her Laugh... And one Who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... A good piece of furniture not previously owned by Anyone else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... Eight matching plates, Wine glasses with stems, And a recipe for a meal that will Make her guests feel honored.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... A feeling of control over Her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... How to fall in love without losing herself...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... HOW TO QUIT A JOB How to BREAK UP WITH A LOVER AND how to CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... When to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... That she can't change The length of her calves, The width of her hips, or The nature of her parents...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... That her childhood May not have been Perfect... but; Its over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... What she would and Wouldn't Do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... How to live alone... even if She doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... Whom she can trust, Whom she can't, And why she shouldn't Take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... Where to go.. Be it to her best friend's kitchen table.. Or a charming inn in the woods... When her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... What she can and can't accomplish In a day... A month... And a year...

Signs of humor!
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
*************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business"
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
***************************
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
" Best place in town to take a leak.

"Ode to the Red Hat Society" by Sue Ellen Cooper

A poet put it very well. She said when she was older, She wouldn't be so meek and mild. She threatened to get bolder. She'd put a red hat on her head, and purple on her shoulder. She'd make her life a warmer place, her golden years much golder.

We read that poem, all of us, and grasped what she is saying. We do not need to sit and knit, although we all are graying. We think about what we can do. Our plans we have been laying. Instead of working all the time, we'll be out somewhere playing.

We take her colors to our hearts, and then we all go shopping For purples clothes and hats of red, with giant brims a-flopping. We're tired of working all the time, and staying home and mopping. We order pies and chocolate fudge, and rich desserts with topping.

We crown ourselves as duchesses and countesses and queens. We prove that playing dress-up isn't just for Halloween. We drape ourselves in jewels, feathers, boas, and sateen. We see ourselves on television and in magazines.

We laugh, we cry, we hug a lot. We keep each other strong. When one of us goes out for fun, the rest all go along. We gad about, we lunch and munch, in one big happy throng. We've found the place where we fit in, the place we all belong.

Aging

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.
---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
A Letter To My Friends

It's not so many months ago when first we heard each others name
A simple e-mail back and forth And now my life will never be the same
And, so, as time went marching by a bond began to grow
We learned so much about each other. Important things we had to know.
What kind of work do we do? How do we spend a normal day?
What things are important to us?
Still so many things we want to say.

As time, day by day, went by Our thoughts we soon began to share.
And then that "puter pal" became my friend Someone, you know, for whom I truly care.
Can any of you explain to me Why this occurs with just a few?
This fantastic bond of friendship Takes place with only one or two?
Now my life is full of joy. My friends are just a click away
Some dear friends write twice a month With others it's several times a day.
But each and every one of you Is special in your own unique way.
You give so very much to me, More pleasure than I could ever say.
Your friendship means the world to me And even though we live so far apart
And we know that we will never meet, You will always have a place within my heart.
GOT BOUNCE?
(And all this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer!)
Bounce will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them.
Bounce also repels mice... spread them around foundation areas, or in trailers or cars that are sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.
Bounce will take the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often.
Bounce repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors durig mosquito season.
Bounce eliminates static electricity from your television (or computer) screen.
Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your tv screen with a used sheet to keep dust from resettling.
Dissolve soap scum from shower doors; clean with a sheet of Bounce.
Freshen the air in your home. Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.
Put a Bounce in the vacuum cleaner.
Prevent sewing thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.
Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
Freshen the air in your car. Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
Clean baked on foods from a cooking pan with Bounce. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overn ight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bond between the food and the pan.
Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
Collect cat/pet hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight. They'll be fresh the next day for your walk!
Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.
Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before folding and storing them. Keeps them smelling fresh!

My appetite is my shepherd,
I always want.
It maketh me to sit down and stuff.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape,
Yea, tho I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop for it tasteth so good.
The ice cream and cookies they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me it exciteth me for I know I shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate, my clothes runneth small.
Surely bulges and excess weight shall follow me all the days of my life, if I don't changeth my ways.

9 Surprise Uses for your Microwave
1. Disinfect and deodorize sponges spiked with white vinegar
or lemon juice,then heat it on high for 1 minute.
2. Toast nuts, bread crumbs and coconut...spread them out on a plate
and heat on high for 2-3 min, stirring every minute.
3. Get more juice from citrus fruits by microwaving them
for 20 seconds before squeezing.
4. Cook vegetables by placing them in one layer
(if possible) on a dish, and cover it tightly with plastic and ;
cook on high.
Check items, such as spinach, snow peas after 30 seconds,
and cruchy ones like carrots after 4 minutes.
5. De-crystalize honey by uncovering the jar
and heating on med. power for 30 - 60 seconds.
6. Partially cook foods for the grill partway before putting
them on the barbecue to cut grilling time.
7. Disinfect plastic cutting boards by washing
it well, rub it with the cut side of a lemon,
then heat for 1 minute.
8. Roast garlic in less than 8 minutes in the microwave.
Slice off the top of the head to reveal all cloves.
Place the head in a small deep dish,season with
salt, pepper and 2 tablespoons of good olive oil.
Spoon 2 tablespoons of water into the bottom of the dish,
cover it with plastic wrap and cook on med. for 7-8 min.
9. Soften brown sugar by adding a few drops of water,
and heat on med for 10-20 seconds.
A Windy Day
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding
her hat tight so that it would not blow away
in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me,
madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you
know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both
my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing
any panties and your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Sometimes we need to remember
What The Rules of Life Really Are.
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three
alcoholic beverages of any kind.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy,
vital relationship are: "I apologize" and "You are right".
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother
ever gave you was: "Go!
You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for
him/her - believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself:
Will this matter one year from now?
How about one month?
One week?
One day?
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge.
Being miserable because of a bad or former
relationship just might mean that the other person was
right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not THAT important.
13. And finally, be really nice to your friends and family.
You never know when you are going to need
them to empty your bedpan!
Hat Table Favors
Take 6 oz. Styrofoam coffee cups and turn them upside down on a cookie sheet (4 or 5 at a time).
Place the sheet in a 250 degree oven for approximately 20 minutes.
The cup shrinks down to look like a hat with a brim.
Spray the "hat" with red spray paint (several coats)
and decorate (using a glue gun) with ribbon, feathers, miniature flowers, etc.
Ovens differ so you may need to experiment with the times and temps......
higher or lower temp and shorter or longer times.....to get the results you want.
The brim of the "hat" will differ depending on the cup, temperature and time.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Famous Mothers

COLUMBUS' MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER:
"Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER:
"All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
MARY'S MOTHER:
"I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
*************************************************************
A day without sunshine is like night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.<
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
******************************************************************
>The Red Hat Survival Kit
Red & Purple Feathers ~ to remind you that you can fly!
Kazoo ~ don�t forget to toot your own horn.
Pretzels ~ hugs from your Red Hat Sisters.
Hershey's Kisses ~ to remind you of the sweetness of family & friends.
Penny ~ for your thoughts, you might as well get paid to talk to yourself.
Mirror ~ to remind you that you are very important.
Marbles ~ to replace the ones that you have lost or will lose.
Rubber-band ~ to remind you to be flexible.
Paper-Clips ~ to remind you that you are an important link in others lives.
Lollipop ~ to remind you that you can lick all your problems.
Eraser ~ to remind you that everyone makes mistakes.
Band-Aid ~ to fix your hurt feelings.
Nuts ~ to remind you to be a little nutty & laugh.
Do Not Disturb Sign ~ to remind you that you need time to yourself.
Pen & Pad ~ to write down your thoughts before you forget them.
Cotton Balls ~ for those times when you can't hear yourself think.
Ear-Plugs ~ to remind you sometimes it�s important just to listen.
Lifesavers ~ to save you from one of those days.
Breath-mints ~ to remind you to just breathe.
Toothpicks ~ to remind you to pick out the good in all situations.
Starburst ~ to give you a burst of energy.
Tootsie Roll ~ to remind you to roll with the punches.
Red Glitter ~ to wish you Scarlet Sparkles.
Candle ~ when you feel in the dark.
Aspirin ~ when all else fails - take two & call a Red Hat Sister!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
FUN STYLE SHOW
SACK DRESS - MADE FROM A BURLAP BAG.
PRINT DRESS - MADE FROM NEWSPAPERS.
COMBED COTTON DRESS - DRESS COVERED WITH COMBS.
CHECK PAJAMAS - PAJAMAS COVERED WITH CANCELLED CHECKS.
TEA GOWN - COVERED WITH TEA BAGS.
PIN STRIPE SUIT - JACKET COVERED WITH LONG ROWS OF SAFETY PINS.
BELL BOTTOM TROUSERS - BELLS ATTACHED TO BOTTOM OF PANTS.
DOUBLE BREASTED JACKET - BRA ON BACK AND FRONT.
HOUSE DRESS - PICTURES OF HOUSES ALL OVER DRESS.
A MOO MOO DRESS - PICTURES OF COWS ON DRESS.
SWEAT PANTS - ATTACH EMPTY DEODORENT BOTTLES TO SWEAT PANTS.
BEAR BACK DRESS - STUFFED BEAR ATTACHED TO BACK OF DRESS.
REGULAR DRESS - COVER WITH PRUNES, BRAN, METAMUCIL, EX LAX, ETC.
THE FLASHER - TRENCH COAT WITH BATTERY LIGHTS WHEN OPENED.
GARDEN DRESS - COVERED WITH SEED PACKETS.
FLORAL DRESS - FLOWERS WITH GARDEN SHOES AND GARDEN GLOVES.
MISC. BAG DRESSES - SHOPPING BAG, BEACH BAG, LAUNDRY BAG, GARBAGE BAG, HANDBAG,
SCHOOL BAG, SHOE BAG,SPORTS BAG, GOLF BAG.
PILL BOX HAT - SMALL HAT BOX COVERED WITH PILL BOTTLES.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What Goes Around, Comes Around
He almost didn't see the old lady, stranded on the side of the road, but even in the dim light of day,he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her.
Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so...
Was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe; he looked poor and hungry.
He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was that chill which only fear can put in you. He said, "I'm here to help you, ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm. By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson."
Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough. Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire.
But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt.
As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began to talk to him. She told him where she was from and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid. Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk. The lady asked how much she owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped. Bryan never thought twice about being paid. This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way.
He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back,
the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance they needed, and Bryan added, "And think of me." He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight.
A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps.
The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase. The lady noticed the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Bryan. After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a hundred dollar bill. The waitress quickly went to get change for her hundred dollar bill, but the old lady had slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time the waitress came back. The waitress wondered where the lady could be. Then she noticed something written on the napkin. There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote:
"You don't owe me anything. I have been there too. Somebody once helped me out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do:
"Do not let this chain of love end with you." Under the napkin were four more $100 bills. Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day.
That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written. How could the lady have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard...
She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, "Everything's going to be all right. I love you, Bryan Anderson."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
* On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
* On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
* Some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
* On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
* On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
* On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
* On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Life isn't like a box of chocolates. it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
"If you are headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Getting Old
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet
who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
**************************************************
Why women take soooo long in the restroom......
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women,
so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors.
Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in,
nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been
so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one,
but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck,
(Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ),
yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat
or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover
to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying,
"Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have
KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -
the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck,
that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).
That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible.
It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest,
and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream,
as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor,
lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat
because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because,
you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear,
"You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes,
propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist
of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto
the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket
and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands
with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line
points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??)
You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and
tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms
(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to
the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions
about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door,
hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!

Diet Definitions:
Diet: The weigh of life.
Balanced Diet: A cookie in each hand.
Dieting: Breaking the pound barrier.
Sweets: The destiny that shapes our ends.
Successful Diet: The triumph of mind over platter.
Dieter's Prayer
As I wake up from my sleep I pray my diet I will keep
But if temptation makes me slip
I pray the Lord my pants won�t rip

FRIENDS
Friends are like balloons;
once you let them go, you might not get them back.
Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and problems
that we may not even notice that we've let them fly away.
Sometimes we are so caught up in who's right and who's wrong
that we forget what's right and wrong.
Sometimes we just don't realize what
real friendship means until it is too late.
--------------------------------------------
Younger Days by Maya Angelou
When I was in my younger days, I weighed a few pounds less.
I needn't hold my tummy in to wear a belted dress.
But now that I am older, I've set my body free:
There's the comfort of elastic where once my waist would be.
Inventors of those high-heeled shoes my feet have not forgiven.
I have to wear a nine now, but used to wear a seven.
And how about those pantyhose..
They're sized by weight, you see.
So how come when I put them on
the crotch is at my knee?
I need to wear these glasses as the print's been getting smaller;
And it wasn't very long ago, I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to gray and my skin no longer fits,
On the inside, I'm the same old me, its the outside's changed a bit

Now.....The Alphabet Presentation
� Whimsical & Wacky Wits -
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
k is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two .
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

>
The Joys Of Dieting A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.
Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out,
but I can usually sedate her with four or five cupcakes.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.
One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.
A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead of its blessings.
On a diet? Go to the paint store. You can get thinner there.
```````````````````````
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
*********************************
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS: At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is .. . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . .. having a girlfriend that thinks you a really good looking.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is .. . . having money.
At age 60 success is .. . . having a girlfriend that thinks you are really good looking.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

How many of these did YOU know about?

A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a Knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed.
Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them Neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.
For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dish washing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't Refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 40 years!)
To remove old wax from a glass candle holder, put it in the freezer for a few hours. Then take the candle holder out and turn it upside down. The Wax will fall out.
Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped In baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).
Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of Scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw Away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would Be much more economical. Now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get 'sharpened'' this way!
Blood stains on Clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen Peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works Every time! (Now, where to put the body?) LOL
Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal For inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't w ash windows On a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.
Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely Light scent in each room when the light is turned on.
Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your Clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels And linen.
Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 Hours prior to burning.
To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the Flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt And leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!
To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or Two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top.
Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring In tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will Keep for weeks.
When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the Corn's' natural sweetness
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your Forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future Use in casseroles and sauces ......... Left over wine? What's that?
To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area And you will experience instant relief.
Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk Line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants Tend to march. See for yourself.
Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, Leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to Tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and Then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer........ Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes,! Brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China.
Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water And drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.
Polish Jewelry. Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the Jewelry for two minutes.
Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, and then run the hot water.

OLD TIME HEALTH REMEDIES AND CURES
POISON IVY - Equal parts of apple cidar vinegar and water (dab on skin and let dry). BURNS - Apply full strength apple cidar vinegar.
TONIC - Take 2 teaspoons apple cidar vinegar a 2 teaspoons honey in 1 glass of water 2 times a day. This is a natural sedative too. Will calm nerves.
HANGOVER - 2 tablespoons honey taken every 20 minutes until you have taken 6 table spoons. Overindulgence in alcohol is related to potassium deficiency. Honey replaces the potassium in your blood stream.
If your skin itches and is scaly, your skin will feel better if you wash it in vinegar. Bacteria can not live in the presence of honey because of it's rich potassium content.
Castor oil rubbed on warts and sores, will soon cure them.
Red clover is rich in calcium and phosphorus.