Archives jokes & other info

YOU MUST KNOW *77
I knew about the red light on cars, but not the *77.
It was about 1:00 p.m. In the afternoon, and Lauren was driving to visit a friend.. An UNMARKED police car pulled up behind her and put his lights on. Lauren's parents have always told her never to pull over for an unmarked car on the side of the road, but rather to wait until they get to a gas station, etc. Lauren had actually listened to her parents advice, and promptly called *77 on her cell phone to tell the police d ispatcher that she would not pull over right away. She proceeded to tell the dispatcher that there was an unmarked police car with a flashing red light on his rooftop behind her. The dispatcher checked to see if there were police cars where she was and there weren't, and he told her to keep driving, remain calm and that he had back up already on the way.
Ten minutes later 4 cop cars surrounded her and the unmarked car behind her. One policeman went to her side and the others surrounded the car behind. They pulled the guy from the car and tackled him to the ground. The man was a convicted rapist and wanted for other crimes.
I never knew about the *77 Cell Phone Feature, but especially for a woman alone in a car, you should not pull over for an unmarked car. Apparently police have to respect your right to keep going to a safe & quiet place.. You obviously need to make some signals that you acknowledge them (I.e. Put on yo ur hazard lights) or call *77 like Lauren did.
Too bad the cell phone companies don't generally give you this little bit of wonderful information.
*Speaking to a service representative at ** Bell ** Mobility confirmed that *77 was a direct link to State trooper info.

The Joys Of Dieting
A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.
Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out,
but I can usually sedate her with four or five cupcakes.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.
One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.
A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead of its blessings.
On a diet? Go to the paint store. You can get thinner there.
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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
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GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS: At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is .. . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . .. having a girlfriend that thinks you a really good looking.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is .. . . having money.
At age 60 success is .. . . having a girlfriend that thinks you are really good looking.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

How many of these did YOU know about?

A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a Knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed.
Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them Neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.
For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dish washing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't Refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 40 years!)
To remove old wax from a glass candle holder, put it in the freezer for a few hours. Then take the candle holder out and turn it upside down. The Wax will fall out.
Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped In baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).
Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of Scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw Away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would Be much more economical. Now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get 'sharpened'' this way!
Blood stains on Clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen Peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works Every time! (Now, where to put the body?) LOL
Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal For inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't w ash windows On a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.
Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely Light scent in each room when the light is turned on.
Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your Clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels And linen.
Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 Hours prior to burning.
To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the Flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt And leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!
To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or Two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top.
Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring In tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will Keep for weeks.
When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the Corn's' natural sweetness
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your Forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future Use in casseroles and sauces ......... Left over wine? What's that?
To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area And you will experience instant relief.
Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk Line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants Tend to march. See for yourself.
Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, Leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to Tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and Then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer........ Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes,! Brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China.
Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water And drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.
Polish Jewelry. Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the Jewelry for two minutes.
Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, and then run the hot water.

OLD TIME HEALTH REMEDIES AND CURES
POISON IVY - Equal parts of apple cidar vinegar and water (dab on skin and let dry). BURNS - Apply full strength apple cidar vinegar.
TONIC - Take 2 teaspoons apple cidar vinegar a 2 teaspoons honey in 1 glass of water 2 times a day. This is a natural sedative too. Will calm nerves.
HANGOVER - 2 tablespoons honey taken every 20 minutes until you have taken 6 table spoons. Overindulgence in alcohol is related to potassium deficiency. Honey replaces the potassium in your blood stream.
If your skin itches and is scaly, your skin will feel better if you wash it in vinegar. Bacteria can not live in the presence of honey because of it's rich potassium content.
Castor oil rubbed on warts and sores, will soon cure them.
Red clover is rich in calcium and phosphorus.

Why women take soooo long in the restroom......
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women,
so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors.
Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in,
nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been
so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one,
but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck,
(Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ),
yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat
or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover
to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying,
"Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have
KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -
the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck,
that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).
That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible.
It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest,
and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream,
as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor,
lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat
because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because,
you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear,
"You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes,
propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist
of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto
the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket
and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands
with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line
points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??)
You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and
tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms
(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to
the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions
about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door,
hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!

Diet Definitions:
Diet: The weigh of life.
Balanced Diet: A cookie in each hand.
Dieting: Breaking the pound barrier.
Sweets: The destiny that shapes our ends.
Successful Diet: The triumph of mind over platter.
Dieter's Prayer
As I wake up from my sleep I pray my diet I will keep
But if temptation makes me slip
I pray the Lord my pants won�t rip

FRIENDS
Friends are like balloons;
once you let them go, you might not get them back.
Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and problems
that we may not even notice that we've let them fly away.
Sometimes we are so caught up in who's right and who's wrong
that we forget what's right and wrong.
Sometimes we just don't realize what
real friendship means until it is too late.
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Younger Days by Maya Angelou
When I was in my younger days, I weighed a few pounds less.
I needn't hold my tummy in to wear a belted dress.
But now that I am older, I've set my body free:
There's the comfort of elastic where once my waist would be.
Inventors of those high-heeled shoes my feet have not forgiven.
I have to wear a nine now, but used to wear a seven.
And how about those pantyhose..
They're sized by weight, you see.
So how come when I put them on
the crotch is at my knee?
I need to wear these glasses as the print's been getting smaller;
And it wasn't very long ago, I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to gray and my skin no longer fits,
On the inside, I'm the same old me, its the outside's changed a bit

Now.....The Alphabet Presentation
� Whimsical & Wacky Wits -
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
k is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two .
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

Did You Know That
Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately
Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.
To clear your stuffy nose, try chewing on a couple of strong Altoids peppermints.
Achy muscles from a bout of the flu?
Mix 1 tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil.
For a sore throat, Mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 2 tablespoon 6 times a day.
Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve 2 tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptons. (Note: Alka Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine is not the same).
Use honey for a remedy for skin blemishes. Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and put a Band-Aid over it. Works overnight.
Get rid of toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. Also, Vicks is good for toe nail fungus.
Forget those expensive rust removers...just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain.
A spray of Formula 409 can be used as an insecticide. Insects will drop to the ground instantly.
Pour a drop of Elmers Glue-All over a splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin.
Cover a boil with Hunt's Tomatoe Paste. Use as a compress and the acid from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.
Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to a bruse for an hour to heal it.
More Helpful Hints
Reheat Pizza
Heat up leftover pizza in a non-stick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.
Easy Deviled Eggs
Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.
Expanding Frosting
When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar/calories per serving.
Reheating Refrigerated Bread
To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.
Newspaper Weeds Away
Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers.

Broken Glass Use a dry cotton ball to pick up little broken glass pieces of glass- the fibers catch ones you can't see!
No More Mosquitoes
Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.
Squirrel Away!
To keep squirrels from eating your plants sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it.
Foggy Windshield?
Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!
Conditioner Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's a lot cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair...
Goodbye Fruit Flies
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass fill it 1/2" with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid, mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!
Get Rid of Ants
Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it "home," & can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, esp. if it rains, but it works & you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!
I USED TO HATE PURPLE
I used to hate purple - it wasn�t my color it gave to my skin an unhealthy pallor. I wouldn�t wear purple, or scarlet, or pink cus someone might see me - then what would they think?? I used to hate purple, it wasn�t for me it wasn�t appropriate for a lady. I wouldn�t wear purple, it just wouldn�t do I wouldn�t wear lavender or any other hue. THEN - I read a poem - a WARNING to all and the RED HAT SOCIETY got on the ball! I bought a pink hat, and a purple tank top and wouldn�t you know it?? the world didn�t stop! Nobody cared what I had on my head and nobody cared what my color choice said! I found out that purple, in whatever hue had given me freedom that I never knew! Now I don�t care what others might think I�ve joined with the women who live life on the brink! we do what we like, and wear what we want! Purple, pink and red are now colors to flaunt! I used to hate purple - how silly of me!! I took myself and my clothes too seriously. If I don�t have fun NOW, then when will I start? I�ve spent too much time caring what other�s thought! I�ll wear my new colors with �verve and elan�! I�ll greet other Red Hatters with a wave of my hand! We�ll all stand together, the reds and the pinks We�ll not give a damn what other folks think! The Red Hat Society is far too much fun! And I�m here to say - I�m PROUD TO BE ONE!! S. Maugans, 2003
Tailgater
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car." Priceless.....

Subject: "To All The Girls We've Ever Loved Before"
How's This For Depressing ? ?
Brigette Bardot 71
Stella Stevens 68
Sophia Loren 71
Gina Lollobrigida 78
Deborah Kerr 94
Lena Horne 88
Kay Starr 83
Patti Page 78
Annette Funicello 63
Barbara Eden 71
Angie Dickenson 74
Doris Day 81
Joan Collins 72
Julie Christie 64
Leslie Caron 74
Carroll Baker 74
Ann-Margret 64
Debra Padget 72
Julie Andrews 70
Ursula Andress 69
Rita Moreno 74
Jean Simmons 76
Julie Newmar 72
Kim Novak 72
Jane Powell 76
Debbie Reynolds 73
Shirley Temple 77
Jane Russell 84
Kathryn Grayson 83
Esther Williams 82
Elke Sommer 65
Gale Storm 83
Jill St. John 65
Liz Taylor 73
Mamie Van Doren 74
UNBELIVEABLE. HOW IN THE WORLD DID THEY GET OLD AND WE DIDN'T ???

Red Hat Pledge
"Please place your right hand on your hat and raise your right big toe and repeat after me."
I,___________, do solemnly swear on my hat that I will do my best to uphold the spirit of the Red Hat Society.
I greet middle age with verve and humor.
Take my silliness seriously as it is the comic relief of life.
I join my Red & Pink Hat Sisters as we go for the gosto together! Beneath our frivolity we share a bond of affection, common life experiences & a genuine enthusiasm for life & living.
I promise to learn to spit & sit on the pavement.
Never, ever wear nylons with open-toed shoes.
I promise to despel the notion a Women My Age is Old.
"This I pledge High the Spirit of The Red Hat Society as envisioned by the Exalted Queen Mother Sue Ellen Cooper and with a Laughing and Loving Lilac Ladies Hattitude.

Red Hat Friendship Recipe
Take a generous helping of Red Hat spirit.
Add in 2 measures of Purple Passion.
Mix with a heaping portion of Laughter.
Stir together with a spoon of Hattitude.
Add a zesty dish of Zanniness.
Sprinkle on Caring and Sharing.
Place it all in the gloved hands of Red and Pink Hatted Sisters.
Bake in an unbreakable dish of Friendship in a warm and inviting Red Hat Gathering.
Garnish with Kazoos and Feathers.
Enjoy! Unlimited servings.
North and South Differences
The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses
The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press-on Nails
The North has double last names! ,
The South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits,
The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters,
The South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.
FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .
In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular,
"all y'all" is plural, Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Buddies
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the hiney and shout, "WHO'S HORNY?"..." and she acts like she's asleep every time!"

Uses for Skin So Soft
PERSONAL USES
1. It's a bath oil and after shower moisturizer.
2. It can be used to remove makeup.
3. Great tanning oil (no sunscreen).
4. Hot oil treatment to soften cuticles.
5. Great massage oil for tired muscles.
6. Cleans off tape marks left from bandages on skin.
7. Cleans ink off the skin.
8. Insect repellent.
9. Helps relieve itching caused by dry skin.
10. Cleans oil and grease off of skin.
11. Painting something? Use SSS to remove paint from the hands. (Instead of turpentine).
12. It soothes light sunburn.
13. Rub hands with it before washing, it helps get them cleaner.
14. Rub on dry, cracked skin.... helps heal skin in 2-3 days.
15. Put 1-2 cap fills in liquid soap and use it for shaving legs and under arms. Helps razor glide and leaves skin feeling smooth.
16. Pour a little into your Foot Saver to help moisturize your feet while you relax them.
17. It removes chewing gum from hair, skin, and most nonporous surfaces.
18. Cleans permanent ink off stamps.
19. SSS Original Bath Oil works GREAT on Head Lice!!!!! Saturate head and let it set for 15 minutes. Then rinse under an outdoor faucet, but the lice were gone!!!!!!! Of course shampoo hair a couple of times to get the oil out, but the lice were gone and stayed gone!
20. It kills ants instantly.
21. Spray on skin to relieve dry itching skin. Helps skin retain it's elasticity.
22. Wash hair with shampoo and conditioner like always and after it dries.... Use about the size of a dime of SSS and rub it in your hair. It goes straight in and leaves hair as shiny as the ads on TV, not greasy at all, just soft and shiny.
23. Use bath oil towelettes -- cover windowsill with towelettes to keep ants out.
24. (LICE) Sometimes, using a bath oil, like Avon's SSS, will work to loosen the glue, which holds the nits to the hair. There is a product called Neon Nits, which when sprayed on the hair, will highlight the nits so you can see them to then snip them out with a small scissors.
25. This is to let you readers known about something that helped me for a mild case of psoriasis on my elbows. My internist recommended that I try Avon's SSS bath oil spray. I did and it eliminated the psoriasis on my elbows.
26. Bath use, fill bath with water and a little SSS, very relaxing and gets rid of dry skin.
HOUSEHOLD USES
27. Sponge it around doors, windows, and on screens to keep crawling bugs out.
28. It's a good wood cleaner and conditioner for natural wood.
29. It removes glue and gum left from price tags and labels from glass, metals, and most plastics.
30. It removes soap scum from shower doors and curtains, and bathroom and kitchen figures.
31. It removes lime and hard water deposits from fixtures, tile, shower doors and windows.
32. It's an oil lubricant for fitting pipe joints that won't slip together.
33. It cleans ink off most vinyl and painted surfaces.
34. It cleans heavy oil and grease from nonporous surfaces.
35. It takes fur off of clothing.
36. Rub on brass ornaments or figurines to help keep them from turning dark.
37. Removes crayon from appliances and most painted surfaces.
38. Wash cupboards with it mixed in your cleaning water to keep ants off and out of the cupboards.
39. Use it to discourage hornets from building their nests. After using a hornet killing spray, remove the nest and keep the area sprayed with SSS. They will not rebuild there.
40. Use it to clean leather; it will also keep it soft and supple.
41. Use it on your air conditioning screen (filter)--your incoming air will smell fresher and the filter is easier to clean.
42. Rub all over windowsills to keep ants out.
43. It cleans paintbrushes easily and leaves them soft as new.
44. It removes gum from carpets.
45. It removes scuffmarks from patent leather shoes.
46. Use it on running rails for sliding glass doors and windows.
47. It removes "ring around the collar".
48. It removes liquid nail (paneling glue).
49. Two glass bowls or glasses stuck together? Drizzle a little SSS down the sides and they'll come apart easily.
50. It removes candle wax from furniture, carpets and clothing.
51. Hummingbird Feeders: To deter bees try rubbing SSS on the feeder surface by the feeder ports.
52. Maggots too!! You squirted SSS in can and lid, then later flushed with soapy water, you shouldn't have any bugs in cans rest of summer!!!
53. It is a great furniture polish!
54. Ok, we have a new use for SSS bath oil. Put it in one of the bottle that you attach to your backyard hose and then spray down the back yard! Will cut down on ants, mosquitoes and other creepy crawlies.
55. People around the outskirts of Eureka and surrounding areas (and sometimes in town) spray it on their rose bushes to keep the deer from eating them, and at the cemeteries on the flowers they put out there for the same reason.
56. Kills spiders.
57. It cuts grease and cleans dirt from range hoods.
58. Add a capful to wash water of clothes...acts as a fabric softener and keeps the bugs off clothes.
59. Spray on orchids and other flowers for moisture and to keep bugs away.
60. Cleans baseball caps. Just spray on and rub with toothbrush.
61. SSS I used this recipe mix one part SSS and 2 parts water on my tomato plants and kept those ugly old tomato worms off. I think that adding the vinegar would be fine too and would be nice not to have to shake the spray bottle all the time. I sprayed my plants about every 2 or 3 days. Worked grand!! Too late for most this year, but file this for next.
62. SSS bath oil also does a great job cleaning cherry wood cabinets.
63. Put a little in your mopping water to help keep crawling bugs out. (Not too much or the floor gets slippery.)
64. Use to clean windows.
65. Removes crayon from most surfaces.
66. It's a great insect repellent (or you can use Bug Guard, the actual SSS repellent)
67. Screens can be light
ly sprayed with Avon SSS to repel no-see-'ums and tiny gnats that otherwise might slip though the screens.
68. Another use for SSS is it will kill those pesky earwigs. Spray it on & they don't return to life.
69. Also if you ever make candles, use clear wax and melt put SSS in it and harden works great for out side in the summer.
70. As a deodorizer, spray into air and let settle, kills those nasty pet orders.
71. Kids rooms if a child wets the bed, spray the bedding and sheets before washing and will give it a fresh clean smell.
ANIMAL USES
72. It's a great insect repellent for your pet. (As recommended in "Outdoor Life" and "Field and Stream")
73. Mix 5 parts water, 1 part SSS and mist on animals. Brushing it in makes their coats gleam and keeps insects off so the animals don't fidget in the show ring.
74. Mix in your pet's bath water. It takes the fleas off of them...and in between sprays them with the same mixture as in #2 to help keep them off.
75. Rub on your hands before and after working with your pets and farm animals. It will remove the strong smells.
76. Black Fly Spray For Dogs: Use as a spray or a dip. 1 cup SSS, 1/2 cup liquid detergent and 3 gallons of water.
77. For dogs dry skin mix 1 tablespoon of SSS per gallon of water and use as an after bath rinse. Or spritz your pet's coat once per week.
78. If your dog should get tar or asphalt on the pads of their feet rub on SSS and then wipe off.
79. Flea Bath: Use a flea and tick shampoo. Rinse, rinse, rinse so no soap residue is left. Follow with final rinse of 2 gallons of water mixed with flea dip and 1 capful of SSS. The SSS helps replace the oils lost in bathing and has the added benefit of repelling insects.
80. Flea Repellent: Avon's SSS Bath Oil. 1-1/2 ounces per gallon of water; used as a sponge-on dip (or as a spritz) has been tested and proven to have significant, but not complete, flea-repellent activity for a 6-day period. It should help those dry coats, too.
81. Does anyone use the Avon SSS bath oil on his or her chows? I have begun using it on Chancey and it has done wonders for her skin. Like, many chows, she has very dry and flaky skin, especially for being black. Since I started using that product, her dandruff and itchiness has improved tremendously and her hair has become shiny and smooth. It also serves as a great flea and tick protector. I use it about twice a month and I just spray it on her. I really like it.
82. I use the following on my horses and on my dogs when necessary. 1-cup Avon SSS bath oil 1-cup white vinegar 1-cup (or more) water 5 cc of essential oil of citronella (from the health food store NOT the type you burn to keep insects away that is available in a drug store) Mix in a spray bottle. Straight SSS works well for mosquito�s too but really makes your dog greasy.
83. (Barns) Use of an inexpensive fly control spray or a diluted mix of Avon SSS in water can be sprayed on barn walls and floor to discourage insects from hanging around or to eliminate them before putting in the new bedding. As time permits, and if you can keep your goats out of the barn for a few hours - let the barn stand and air out before re-filling with bedding.
84. Rub on your hands before and after working with pets and farm animals, takes away pet odor.
85. Avon's SSS bath oil massaged directly into the skin of your Rottweiler acts not only as a successful repellant and makes their dogs smell good but helps prevent drying and itchy skin.
86. A natural way to help cats with flea problems and flea allergies is to rub Skin So Soft into the skin. Once a bug, always a bug. Fleas don't like it either! Spread the word!
87. Cats: SSS IS SAFE FOR FUR LICKING -------The SSS plus is safe as long as it is the one without sunscreen.
88. Don't overuse the SSS. I just use the lotion, and rub it into the skin, not more than every few days. My cat's sensitive and we're being careful. Common sense is the rule. Sprinkling Yeast on the cat food helps, too. My cat's fur is medium-length; he's part Persian, and he's doing fine, no ill effects from the SSS. You can check with your vet to be sure if it's okay...
USES FOR HORSES
89. SSS can be used as a hoof polish. This will put a nice shine to the hoof without drying it. The farrier's wife will appreciate this one!
90. SSS can be used as a muzzle, eye, and ear enhancer. Generally we used baby oil but it was so messy. I tried SSS and it works great and still helps keep bugs away.
91. I have a show mare that has allergies and also gets dry skin very easily so I started giving her baths in SSS. What I do is bathe her like normal and then I put a capful of SSS in a 5-gallon bucket of warm water and sponge this all over her. Her hair coat dries silky soft and she quits itching. Works for her.
92. The bug guard towelettes we had last summer work great on the horse�s ears and around their eyes.
93. When I have to band (braid) their manes I use the Techniques Oil Sheen. It seems to help hold the braids a lot better and they don't try to rub them out.
94. The dry end serum works great in their tails as a detangler. Everything I have mentioned here I use faithfully on our show horses. The products are a heck of a lot cheaper than actual horse products. People see me using these products at the horse shows and start inquiring about them. I usually let them take my bottles and try them on their horses at the show, which usually ends up in a sale for me.
AUTOMOBILE USES
95. It removes tar spots from the car without damage to the paint.
96. Use it to clean vinyl dashboards, seats, and tops. It not only cleans, but also keeps it soft and helps to prevent any cracking.
97. After washing your car, use it as a tire dressing to keep them looking like new.
98. Put some on a small washcloth and leave in the car to help keep the air fresh and clean.
99. Wipe down vinyl surfaces inside your car. Cleans nicely and removes smoke odors left by cigarette smokers.
100. It gently cleans heavy grease and oil from skin and nonporous surfaces (great for Mechanic's Hands).
101. It removes tree sap.
102. Prior to traveling...rub SSS on headlights and grill. It makes insects and bugs easier to remove.
103. Shines vehicle tires
104. Open a towelette and use as an automotive air freshener.

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello ... and too old to REALLY understand computers .. to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this.
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeh, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office? COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the Blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The Blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the Blue W?
ABBOTT: The Blue "1" is Real One and the Blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What! word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "Office for Windows".
ABBOTT: No just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It came bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN It!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
! COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "Start"

Ain't it the Truth!!!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. the nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks. "115," she says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high. "Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

Ain't this the Truth
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISINS: Grapes with sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

PERKS FOR BEING OVER 50
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

SENIORS
Before You Make Love (Senior Style)
1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Can you spit?
Have you 'gobbled up samples in the shops, worn your slippers outside.....in the rain?' Then you are well on your way to Red Hat status! If you have not done these things, start now. Sit down on the pavement when you are tired, buy those summer gloves; BUT perhaps three pounds of sausage at a go is a bit much today! We want to live a long, long time. So maybe we should forego the Jenny Joseph diet.

Housekeeping.....
1. I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into them and hurt themselves.
2. I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.
3. I don't mind the dustbunnies because ... they are very good company and I have named most of them, they agree with everything I say.
4. I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature to have a home of their own and hubby loves spiders.
5. I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want them to get jealous.
6. I don't plant a garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer.
7. I don't put things away because ... my husband will never be able to find them again.
8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.
9. I don't iron because ... I believe them when they say "Permanent Press".
10. I don't stress much on anything because ... AType Personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol lady!

Senior Citizens Are Valuable
We are more valuable than any of the younger generations:
We have silver in our hair.
We have gold in our teeth.
We have stones in our kidneys.
We have lead in our feet and ....
We are loaded with natural gas.

Things Moms Learn~
I gave you life,
but cannot live it for you.
I can give you directions,
but I cannot be there to lead you.
I can allow you freedom,
but I cannot account for it.
I can teach you right from wrong,
but I cannot decide for you.
I can offer you advice,
but I cannot accept it for you.
I can give you love,
but I cannot force it upon you.
I can teach you to share,
but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can teach you respect,
but I cannot force you to show honor.
I can advise you about friends,
but cannot choose them for you.
I can advise you about sex,
but I cannot keep you pure.
I can tell you about drink,
but I can't say "no" for you.
I can warn you about drugs,
but I can't prevent you from using them.
I can tell you about lofty goals,
but I can't achieve them for you.
I can teach you about kindness,
but I can't force you to be gracious.
I can pray for you,
but I cannot make you walk with God.
I can tell you how to live,
but I cannot give you eternal life.
Rules of Chocolate
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other? Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger!
Q: Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A: Because no one wants to quit!
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done today.
The Chocoholics 12-step program : NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE!!>

Bless This Red Hat
In a thrift store on a dusty shelf Spotted by a gifted shopping elf
Lay a Red Hat much neglected and lone She purchased it and took it home.
The magical Red Hat was a perfect fit Brought to mind a poem written by a Brit
The poem and Red Hat was a novelty �With a Red Hat that doesn�t go & doesn�t suit me.�
Oh, but that Red Hat given to a friend Brought much joy and a new trend
Now the BIG 50 frees us for time to play Adds a splash of color to a once dreaded day.
Bless the Red Hat for bringing joy Freeing women like Helen of Troy
It has changed the world topsy turvy Women of the world now being nervy.
Red Hats come in all sizes and shapes From simple visors to touring hats with drapes
They reflect the personality of the woman beneath Brightening her face like a Christmas wreath.
There is a magic once a Red Hat sits upon the head Woes & worries are quickly gone...just shed
Red denotes strength, determination & passion We wear it proudly with daring & great fashion.
Under the brim of the Red chapeau Anger, aches & pains magically go
Red Hats keep brain cells firmly in place No �senior moments� in this life�s race.
Red Hats are popping up all over the globe Varying the style of a Red Hatted wardrobe
From the US to far off Malaysia Bermuda, China & Australia.
That little Red Hat in the corner of the shoppe Is causing much wisdom, like the fables of Aesop
Displaying the creativity of it�s owner so clever. A gift of a Red Hat means friendship forever.
Bless this Red Hat for the joy it doth bring Bless this Red Hat which gives a freedom fling
Bless this Red Hat causing comraderie & daring Bless this Red Hat that makes our heart sing.
� 2006 Barbara Witzell, Queen RazZ RazZmaTazZ chapter 10055 San Diego, CA
***************************************************
A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard... Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him... Like his Mother used to do.!!!
**********************************************************
HELPFUL HINTS
Put a sealed envelope in the freezer
for a few hours, then slide a knife under the flap to open.
Use an empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords.
For icy door steps in freezing temperatures:
get warm water and put Dawn dishwashing liquid in it.
Pour all over steps. They won't refreeze.
A damp rag dipped in baking soda will get crayon
marks off the wall.
Use rubbing alcohol on a paper towel
to get permanent marker off counter tops.
Use hydrogen peroxide to get blood stains off clothes.
When you purchase SOS pads, take a pair of
scissors to cut each pad in half.
You save on pads and sharpen your scissors.
Spray your Tupperware with non stick cooking
spray before pouring in tomato based sauces
and there won't be any stains.
Wrap celery in alumimum foil when putting it
in the fridge, it will keep for weeks.
Use a 1/2 lime and rub it on your forehead
to cure your throbbing headache.
WD-40
I had a neighbor who had bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all
around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason).
I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news.
He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do probably nothing until Monday morning,
since nothing was open. Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off.
It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck.
Water Displacement #40.
The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts.
WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company.
Its name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth
formulation, thus WD-40. The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts.
Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door.
If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle!
Then try it on your stovetop... Voila! It's now shinier than it's ever been.
Here are some of the uses:
1) Protects silver from tarnishing.
2) Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3) Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4) Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery.
5) Keeps flies off cows.
6) Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7) Removes lipstick stains.
8) Loosens stubborn zippers.
9) Untangles jewelry chains.
10) Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11) Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12) Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13) Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14) Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
15) Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16) Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17) Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
18) It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor!
Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly
as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks. 20) Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21) Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
22) Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23) Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows.
24) Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25) Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26) Restores and clean s roof racks on vehicles.
27) Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28) Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles.
29) Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers.
30) Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31) Removes splattered grease on stove.
32) Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33) Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34) Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35) Removes all traces of duct tape.
36) Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37) Florida's favorite use is: "cleans and removes bugs from grills and bumpers."
38) The favorite use in the state of New York
WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39) WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures
and you will be catching the big one in no time.
Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose.
Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures
for fishing are not allowed in some states.
40) Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41) WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls.
Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42) Also, if you've discovered that your daughter has washed and dried
a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick
spots with WD-40 and re-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
43) If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.
P. S. The basic ingredient is FISH OIL.
P. P. S. I keep a can of WD-40 in my kitchen cabinet over the stove.
It is good for oven burns or any other type of burn.
It takes the burned feeling away and heals with NO scarring.
The One Flaw in Women
By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime.. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and she will do everything with only two hands."
The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."
"But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."
The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!" "What's the tear for?" the angel asked. The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."
And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
FRIENDS
Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed.
They make you smile and encourage you to succeed.
They lend an ear,
They share a word of praise,
and they always want to open their hearts to us.
Value your friendships.
------------------------------------------
I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet
when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly
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This a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote
when asked to share her "beauty tips."
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things,
have to be restored, renewed,
revived, reclaimed, and redeemed;
never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older,
you will discover that you have two hands;
one for helping yourself,
and the other for helping others.
God It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .
Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.
The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba--- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
And my favorite:
Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again!

GOD's Pharmacy!!! Amazing !
A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye..
and YES science now shows that carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.
A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart is red and has four chambers.
All of the research shows tomatoes are indeed pure heart and blood food.
Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart.
Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows that grapes are
also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.
A Walnut looks like a little brain,
a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums.
Even the wrinkles or folds are on the nut just like the neo-cortex.
We now know that walnuts help develop over 3 dozen neuron-transmitters
for brain function.
Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function
and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.
Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and more look just like bones.
These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium.
If you don't have enough sodium in your diet the body pulls it from the bones, making them weak.
These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.
Eggplant, Avocadoes and Pears target the health
and function of the womb and cervix of the female -
they look just like these organs.
Today's research shows that when a woman eats 1 avocado a week,
it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight and
prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this? ....
It takes exactly 9 months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000
photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods
(modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).
Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos
when they grow. Figs increase the motility of male sperm and increase
the numbers of Sperm cells to overcome male sterility.
Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and
actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics.
Olives assist the health and
function of the ovaries.
Grapefruits, Oranges , and other Citrus fruits
look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually
assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph
in and out of the breasts.
Onions look like body cells. Today's research
shows that onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells.
They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes.

VICK's Vapor Rub
During a lecture on Essential Oils, they told us how the foot soles can absorb oils. Their example:
Put garlic on your feet and within 20 minutes you can 'taste' it.
Some of us have used Vicks Vaporub for years for everything from chapped lips to sore toes and many body parts in between.
But I've never heard of this. And don't laugh, it works 100% of the time, although the scientists who discovered it aren't sure why.
To stop night time coughing in a child (or adult as we found out personally), put Vicks Vaporub generously on the bottom of the feet at bedtime, then cover with socks.
Even persistent, heavy, deep coughing will stop in about 5 minutes and stay stopped for many, many hours of relief.
Works 100% of the time and is more effective in children than even very strong prescription cough medicines. In addition it is extremely soothing and comforting and they will sleep soundly.
Just happened to tune in A.M. Radio and picked up this guy talking about why cough medicines in kids often do more harm than good,
due to the chemical makeup of these strong drugs so, I listened. It was a surprise finding and found to be more effectiv e than prescribed
medicines for children at bedtime, in addition to have a soothing and calming effect on sick children
who then went on to sleep soundly.
My wife tried it on herself when she had a very deep constant and persistent cough a few weeks ago and it worked 100%!
She said that it felt like a warm blanket had enveloped her, coughing stopped in a few minutes and believe me, this was a deep,
(incredibly annoying!) every few seconds uncontrollable cough, and she slept cough-free for hours every night that she used it.
Very interesting, who knew~!!!

Eliminate ear mites. All it takes is a few drops
of Wesson Corn Oil in your cat's ear...
Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball.
Repeat daily for 3 days.
The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites,
and accelerates healing.
Kills fleas instantly...
Dawn Dishwashing Liquid does the trick.
Add a few drops to your dog's bath
and shampoo the animal thoroughly.
Rinse well to avoid skin irritations.
Good-bye fleas.
Rainy day cure for dog odor:
Next time your dog comes in
from the rain, simply wipe down
the animal with Bounce or any
dryer sheet,instantly making your
dog smell springtime fresh.
Did you know that drinking two glasses
of Gatorade can relieve headache
pain almost immediately-without the
unpleasant side effects caused by traditional
pain relievers?
Did you know that Colgate Toothpaste makes an
excellent salve for burns?
Before you head to the drugstore for a
high-priced inhaler filled with
mysterious chemicals, try
chewing on a couple of curiously
strong Altoids peppermints. They'll
clear up your stuffed nose.
Achy muscles from a bout of the flu?
Mix 1 tablespoon horseradish in 1 cup of
olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30
minutes, then apply it as a massage oil for
instant relief for aching muscles.
Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar
with 1/4 cup of honey and
take 1 tablespoon six times a day.
The vinegar kills the bacteria.
Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer.
Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and
drink it at the onset of the symptoms.
Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract
infections almost instantly-even though the product
was never been advertised for this use.
Honey remedy for skin blemishes...
Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and
place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills
the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile,
and speeds healing. Works overnight.
Listerine therapy for toenail fungus:
Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus
by soaking your toes in Listerine
M outhwash. The powerful antiseptic
leaves your toenails looking healthy again.
Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws
in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of
Maybelline Crystal Clear Nail Polish to the threads
of the screws before tightening them.
Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer...
If menacing bees, wasps, hornets,
or yellow jackets get in your home
and you can't find the insecticide,
try a spray of Formula 409.
Insects drop to the ground instantly.
Smart splinter remover: Just pour a drop
of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter,
let dry, and peel the dried glue off
the skin. The splinter sticks to
the dried glue.
Hunt's Tomato Paste boil cure...
Cover the boil with Hunt's Tomato Paste
as a compress. The acids
from the tomatoes soothe the
pain and bring the boil to a head.
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'Twas the Night Before Christmas
(A Visit from St. Nicholas)
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads. And mamma in her �kerchief, and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below. When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St Nick. More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen! To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky. So up to the house-top the coursers they flew, With the sleigh full of toys, and St Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof The prancing and pawing of each little hoof. As I drew in my head, and was turning around, Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.
His eyes�how they twinkled! his dimples how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath. He had a broad face and a little round belly, That shook, when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself! A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk. And laying his finger aside of his nose, And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, And away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard him exclaim, �ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a Good-Night!"
Christmas Diets
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where there are rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy; Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food free. Lots of it. Hello!?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ----WOO HOO -- what a ride!!!HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
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