Send your family friendly Horse Poems or Jokes and I'll publish them here!

Please send any Poems/ Jokes to me at horsenut2000@hotmail.com and we'll get them published! Be sure to give credit to the person you got them from if there is a known author.

Basic Rules For Horses Who Have A Barn To Protect

THE ART OF SNORTING: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family horse, to accommodate them.
NEIGHING: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing you, "Neigh, neigh, neigh..."
STOMPING CATS: When standing on cross ties, make sure you never --- quite --- stomp on the barn cat's tail. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the architectural industry.... chew on your stall wall, the fence or any other wooden item.
FRESH BEDDING: It is perfectly permissible to urinate in the middle of your freshly bedded stall to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall - and we all know how humans love a challenge (that's what they said when they bought you as a two year old, right?). DOORS: Any door, even partially open, is always an invitation for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will frantically run after and chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved.
GOING FOR TRAIL RIDES: Rules of the road: When out for a trail ride with your owner, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
HOLES: Rather than pawing and digging a BIG hole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
GROUND MANNERS: Ground manners are very important to humans; break as much of the ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss and impresses your human.
NUZZLING: Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles. Be ready to rub your head on the area of your human that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too. PLAYING: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ol' vet, not you! VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human backs away and starts crying, swoosh your tail, stamp your feet and nicker gently to show your concern.

Cute Country Sayings and their TRUE TOO!

Don't name a pig you plan to eat
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps
Mortgaging a future crop is saddling a wobbly colt
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor
Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked
Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled
Meanness don't happen overnight
To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful
Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow
Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat
Don't corner something meaner than you
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies
Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge
Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug
You can't unsay a cruel thing
Every path has some puddles
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty
The best sermons are lived, not preached
Most of the stuff people worry about never happens
Lazy and Quarrelsome are ugly sisters

The Wisdom Of Will Rogers

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to touch the electric fence for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If! You're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. AND FINALLY-After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him..The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Thank God!"

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house, collapsing on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.

On his way out the back door, he sees this horse. So he goes back into the house and asks, "Could I borrow your horse to get to town?" The missionary says, "Sure, but there's a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop." Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, OK."

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God," and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave now, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God," and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon, he sees this cliff coming up, and he's doing everything that he can think of to make the horse stop: "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" The horse stops only 4 inches from the edge of the cliff.

Greatly relieved, the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God!"

Author Unknown :o)

Horse Funnies!!
Thanks Phyllis Polston for sending this in!

When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions in them thar woods an we need to leave NOW!
When you are short tempered, let me teach you how to slog around the pasture for an hour before you catch me.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you that herbivores kick MUCH faster and harder than omnivores
When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet, because I don't feel like cantering on my right lead today
When you are worried let me entertain you with my mystery lameness
When you feel superior, let me teach you that you are the maid service
When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION, Remember? I told you about those lions in them thar woods!
When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1400 LBS of "YAHOO! LETS GO" can do when suitably inspired
When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch, also breakfast and dinner
When you are tired, don't forget the 600 lbs of grain that needs to be unloaded
When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services"
When you need to learn, hang around, I'll learn ya!

New Year's Resolutions from my Equine Partners

I CAN walk and poop at the same time. I can. I can. I can.
I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.
My stall is NOT my litter box. When I have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go back inside to pee or poop.
I will NOT leap over large nonexistant obstacles when the whim strikes.
I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my feet.
I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's call or pass gas :-0.
I will NOT bite my farriers butt just because it is there.
I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric wire to see if it is ON.
I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while my human is cleaning my stall.
I will NOT have an attitude problem. I won't. I won't. I won't.
I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look like a freak.
I WILL recall that deer are NOT carnivorous
I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me on a trail ride just to say "Hi".
and............;-)

add to it if you like!

When I am an old Horsewoman

I shall wear turquoise and diamonds,
And a straw hat that doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my social security on white wine
and carrots,
And sit in my alleyway of my barn
And listen to my horses breathe.

I will sneak out in the middle of a summer night
And ride the old bay gelding,
Across the moonstruck meadow
If my old bones will allow.

And when people come to call, I will smile and nod
As I walk past the gardens to the barn
and show instead the flowers growing
inside stalls fresh-lined with straw.
I will shovel and sweat and wear hay in my hair
as if it were a jewel.

And I will be an embarrassment to all,
Who will not yet have found the peace in being free
to have a horse as a best friend,
A friend who waits at midnight hour
With muzzle and nicker and patient eyes
For the kind of woman I will be
When I am old.