"GOD" Went Missing

February 2012


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"GOD" Went Missing

Welcome, thank you very much for finding your way to this site, here is my story

I was born Saturday March 13, 1965, I was raised in a lower class Christian home. The first eight years raised as Lutheran and then as a Fundamental Independent Baptist. I attended a Lutheran Kindergarten, Public Schools for grades 1-3 but from the 4th grade on was again private Church related Schools. I am not any different than many children raised up during the late 60's and 70's. Each Sunday morning you were dressed up in your good clothes, attended Sunday school, church service and then to eat at grandma's.

When I was around 9 years old and sometime in 1974 the film The Burning Hell was shown at Bethany Baptist Church where my family was a going to at the time. The film depicted how people died and ended up in hell and how those that do not accept Christ as their Savior would be left behind after his return. Very shortly after seeing it, I had a vivid dream, a terrible dream of the Rapture happening. In this dream, I was awakened by a loud sound, I jumped from my bed, looked out my window to see the moon had turned to blood, meaning I was left behind. I could not find my parents or anyone I knew, only that I was left behind to suffer the tribulation and to more than likely burn in hell for all eternity.

I remember awaking from that dream drenched in sweat, tears streaming from my eyes. I scrambled from my bed, rushed to the bedroom window, threw the curtains back to check if the moon had indeed turned to blood. You can imagine how thrilled I was to find it had not and that like Scrooge in a Christmas Carol I had a second chance. The very next church service, when the invitation was given, I went forward and with tears streaming down my face I prayed the sinners prayer to be saved. As I grew up, I was involved in the bus ministry, children's church, and more. Some time in my twenties I stopped attending Church for reasons I now have no memory of. For many years I never stepped foot inside a church, while a service was being held but still believing what I was taught, just not living it as I was taught.

As the years passed, I met a wonderful women, fell in love and two years later we were married on June 30, 1991 at our home we had moved into just a month or so before. My wife worked one mile from our home and the house was 2 1/2 miles from I-85 so it made it nice being that at the time I was on the road as a Contract Photographer, traveling anywhere from Maine to Florida and as far west as Mississippi. When my wife could join me we would travel and enjoyed being able to visit places. During those years my wife and I lived a good life and enjoyed it as much as we could.

Then in my early to mid 30's, I began not being able to stay awake while on the road. A few years later when in my late 30's I began feeling drained of energy, always tired and hurting all over. I went to Doctors and had test after test, exams, MRI's, CT scans, saw Specialist, Psychiatrist, took numbers of medications to help but none ever relieved my pain or being so tired all the time. I was treated for chronic pain, sleep apnea, depression, carpal tunnel syndrome and a few others I just do not recall. Finally I was told to file for disability and did, but even with lawyers and medical records saying they could not help me nor had any hope to. I was still denied three times and cannot refile due to the time I have been out of work.

During this time my wife had talked of wanting to go to church for a few years, so we went to church in late 2003. Not just any church either, It was the remnants of the church from my childhood. After a couple years and getting right with God, I became involved in church work again and even began an online ministry named Global Web Mission, building web sites for Missionaries, Churches, Preachers etc. I witnessed online in chat rooms, sent out thousands of emails telling all that Jesus SAVES! I have seen and heard of many people accept Christ as their savior while online through this ministry.

Even though I had some doubts here and there during my years of Christian life, as most believers have at times, if they would be honest, I kept believing that god cared for and loved me. When the church I was a part of began falling apart after the Pastor passed away March 9 th 2006, I remember the date because it was just 4 days before my 41 st birthday. The members rallied together in the beginning but after a year or so it had begun to come undone, All my quote "friends, brothers and sister" in the church left instead of keeping their word.

Finally I could take it no longer and left. I do not really remember the dates or time I left but during those last few months I was praying to god for guidance on what to do. I mean real prayer, for hours at a time, day after day and week after week, as usual, God never showed up or answered. I finally removed myself from that place, leaving it to the other members, which was by then only two families that showed up. I visited another church for about a year all the while begging god to guide me. Where I should go? What should I do? And for all this prayer what did I receive?

Nothing.... no answers... no doors of opportunity ever opened... just deafening silence...

Sometime in late 2008 I stopped going to church, no longer read the bible and no longer prayed. This was mostly in part to me being in a lot of pain due to my health. I stopped doing any work with Global Web Mission. During this time, at first, was mad at "god" and my past "friends" for forsaking me. Shortly, I had one of those light click on moments. I understood, I cannot be upset at "god", how silly and stupid is that? Mad at "god" why that is just preposterous, especially when there is obviously no "god" in which to be upset at. The past friends, now that is a different story and they all can kiss my ass and are dead to me. I began searching for the truth and seeking out what was real. During most of 2009, I came to see that just because you were taught to believe something, just because you believe in something with all that is in you, still does not mean this "something" is real. I searched for meaning, for what was real, for something that made sense. Around the last of 2009 I finally accepted that faith in what cannot be proven is wasted as a child that believes in the easter bunny and all other fairy tales.

"god" I am not longer upset with because if I were that would be like being upset that the Great Pumpkin did not visit my pumpkin patch. I have deleted almost all of the many websites I built, a few others I gave the passwords to the people I built them for and it is up to them to keep up with them but my name has been removed or will be. I have now renamed Global Web Mission to"GOD" Went Missing.

I am now an forever more an Atheist, I base this on that there is no evidence that a "god" has ever existed in the past, see no viable data to prove one exist today or will in the near or distant future. I am an informed intelligent free thinking person that needs no one to live my life for me. I do not need a "bible", Religion or "god" in order for me to be a morally sound person or to treat the human race with humanity. I am an Atheist because I see no other reason not to be and I am proud of that fact. I choose to live, love and die free from the slavery of religion and to not bow down to worship an imaginary being that some call a "god".

Religion is slavery, to a "god"
that from past till this moment in time
has not been proven to exist.

Read some of my thoughts

About four years back (2007) when I was an xian believer, I spent an entire year in prayer asking, begging pleading god to show me the path HE wanted me to take... NOT my own, just for a door to open for me to go through. I spent no less than four hours a day, most of the time somewhere around eight hours and even up to 12 hours and more on a few days. This was prayer and at times fasting for a few days... While I was alone.

This was not for things, not for healing, not money, not fame, not anything but for just a direction to point me in. Just a simple where do you want me to go. NO ultimatums, no if you do not I will do this nor if you do I will promise to do that or never to do this again.

For this I received nothing, no doors, not even a glimpse of a turn to one.

The next year I spent searching to why I even believed in God. I found that I believed in God because I needed it to feel I mattered, that something out there cared, that the easiest answer to "how did all get here" was to say "God"... I realized that the only reason things happen is because things happen. Good things happen to bad people and also to good people. I realized that if you do good to others it is likely some good will be returned to you because someone will want to return your goodness. I found that if you do rotten things to people, most of them will have nothing to do with you.

I came to accept that I, as an individual, am alone.

Orson put it eloquently:

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” ~ Orson Welles

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