MY TESTIMONY

“GOD WAS MY Shield”

Dedicated to all the Hurting and Confused souls in the world, and to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
By: Thomas (Tommy) Martin McGouey
"A sinner saved by Grace"

OVERVIEW

I was earning a very large salary - but there was an aching void within which I could not fill. There had to be more to life that just making money and pursuing a career. Years of pain brought me to the moment when I felt suicide seemed to be the only way out of my mental anguish. Literally - I painted a bull's eye on myself and called the police. I wanted them to take my life. As they were forced to take me down while firing their weapons at me, I came to see in an amazing way what the Bible means when it says, “The Lord is my shield.”

"Yes, I,m one of those"

TRYING TO FILL THE VOID

I was financially stable. Rooted deeply in Corporate America as an Administrator of two Respiratory Care Departments in New York City, I thought I had it made. Here I was a working professional in the medical field with 20 years of experience at two New York Hospital Centers with access to all the all the material possessions a man could ask for. At least I thought so at the time. You see, I was also a functioning Alcoholic.

Throughout the years I had multiple relationships which I destroyed and sabotaged. I am truly sorry and regretful for the pain I brought upon these women. They just wanted my love, in return for theirs. I left them hurt, confused, and bewildered. My journey continued on searching for peace and joy,yet there was something still missing in my life ... a void ... an aching ... hollowness ... a lack of completeness ... a lack of a meaningful purpose for my existence. No matter how hard, or whatever I tried. Material possessions, drugs, alcohol, and switching relationships – these pursuits would not satisfy me for any length of time. They always left me coming up short. Nothing could make me feel complete.

I did not understand at the time that my life needed "Eternal Purpose.” I thought I had achieved my purpose – after all, I had succeeded at the “Great American Dream”. I thought life was just about having fun and about meeting my needs.

The darkness in my soul seemed to grow as I watched it overpower me. With the combination of alcohol and a bankrupt spirit, I decided death was my only recourse from the pain.....the only way to escape the despair I was in... To hopefully end my sorrow once and for all, and the pain I was causing those who loved me most.

I devised a plan, a fool-proof plan that would be successful to its very ending. I examined it thoroughly – inside and out, forwards and backwards. The “perfect” suicide, my darkened mind rationalized.

I would set the stage during the time when the fewest amount of innocent people would be walking around that I thought could possibly be hurt. (One o'clock in the morning, to be exact). I planned the location where this event would occur. I knew where the police would be firing from...a backdrop of an embankment behind me. I was in sort of a soup bowl. I did not want any stray bullets possibly harming anyone else. No one was to be hurt here except for myself. The stage was finally set for my final exit. I unknowingly then, didn't realize how much hurt I was placing on the officers. To them I ask for forgiveness.

ATTEMPTED SUICIDE BY A POLICEMAN’S BULLET
I was living in West Knoxville at the time, and had mapped out my plan in the field out in front of the apartment complex. I phoned the police by calling 911. I informed them, "There was someone running around the complex with a gun.”

On that fateful night of September 16, 2003, I painted a bull's-eye on my chest. My purpose for doing so was to send a message that would inform my sister that this was a planned suicide. I did not notify anyone of what I was about to do. No last minute phone calls. This was not a cry for help. I was prepared to die.

When the police arrived, I was gazing straight upward. Transfixed on this one lonely star,. I prayed with all my heart that this ordeal would be over quickly and as painlessly as possible.I asked God for forgiveness for what I was about to do.I instinctively knew it was wrong.

"forgive me Lord"

The police arrived as I expected. With all the noise of bullhorns and shouting going on - the flashlights pointed in my direction - I was blinded by their glaring lights. My heart was pounding, but there was no turning back now.

I had an unloaded BB-gun tucked behind me beneath my belt, and as I started walking toward the police officers. They started yelling at me to stop. The tension was building to a boiling point. It was time to force them to shoot. It was time to reach for my BB pistol.

When I reached for the pistol…six officers shot at me. They shot a combined total of 28 times, yet only one 40 cal bullet hit me! It hit me with such force that it knocked me off my feet, and threw me back 6 feet. Lying there on the ground in burning pain, I waiting to die – blood was everywhere - I thought my life was going to be over shortly. Everything was a hazy and confusing blur.

4The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
The cords of the grave [b] coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.
7The earth trembled and quaked,
Psalms 18 :( 4-6)

THE TESTING GROUNDS - A NEW BEGINING

The Lord had placed it upon my heart to look into a faith-based Christian halfway house with strong accountability and structure. The Peace At Last Ministry fit the bill. From the moment I entered the front door of Peace at Last, I knew one way or the other that I would be a servant with this Ministry in one fashion or another.
I learned so much over those six months. Not all of it was east, not all of it was pleasant, and some of it was downright painful, but with the Spiritual guidance of John Wampler and the caring heart of Vicki Wilkerson, growth started within my life. The lessons and accountability tools I began to put in use created a new thought process. I was finally beginning to see the peace and joy the Bible speaks about.This program truly changed me.

Since graduating from their six-month discipleship training course, my life has been a wonderful spiritual journey, being filled with a spirit of forgiveness and love. Working with John Wampler (founder) and Biblical counselor, and Vicki Wilkerson (Drug and alcohol counselor), these loving people of God have helped me hone the gifts the Lord has blessed me with to use to Minister his Grace and Mercy on others. I have found my purpose in serving God by being obedient and helping others.

It is now my belief, many well-meaning people try to blame today’s problematic behaviors on the ills of society. Anger, addiction, dysfunctional family life,etc. These are only surface problems or manifestations of something unrecognized by most of the authorities that try to solve the difficult issues every society and nation faces.

It is also now my opinion that all these problems can be traced to an unfulfilled life without God’s purpose or plans for our lives based on the Holy Bible. We all know that there are people, who just like the apostle Paul, would destroy every Christian believer on the face of this planet, and truly believe in their hearts they are serving “God’s purpose,” and they certainly believe with all their hearts that they are fulfilling their life purpose. They are deceived in which God they truly are serving, because the Bible clearly tells us that on this planet, we serve Satan, the devil, or we serve Jesus Christ. There are no other options,

When we serve only ourselves – our own pursuit of happiness and pleasure as I did – we are serving Satan’s deception. One does not understand this until they have met the God who created Satan and all things, and sometimes they are not ready to serve the real God until they are “struck down” just as I had to be.

What is the answer then? Jesus is the Answer.
It’s just that simple. Little will be resolved in this world, until we all address this fundamental truth. Everything will just be “band-aid” fixes and schemes. It takes the full grace of God to address the ills of this world, and those ills will not be fully dealt with, the Bible tells us, until Jesus Christ returns to subdue fully the powers of darkness that control most of the WORLD.

IN CONCLUSSION - THE REAL WORK BEGINS

I share my testimony for the sole purpose that God may use it to help someone else discover his grace and love. To the Glory of God my Father. I pray they might turn from their own darkness to the Light of Christ. If they truly want to change? They will find peace and joy in their lives.

The Peace at Last Ministry is a wonderful starting point for their Spiritual Walk.

Today I work in a loving Christian environment. I have recently been voted onto the Knoxville Clergy Task Force Board and completed my Chaplaincy training for the Knoxville Family Justice Center. If that wasn’t enough, The Lord has blessed me with the Executive Assistant Director position at the Peace at Last Ministry in May of 2006. John and Vicki have entrusted me with this honor to serve and God has me focused and capable.

I had the opportunity to sit with the Knoxville Sheriff’s Crisis Task Force and sharing my thought process prior to that night’s event. Insight was found and hopefully will help them when dealing with others in crisis.

The 700 Club has contacted me, and want to do a TV piece about my testimony, The Peace at Last Ministry, and God’s wonderful grace.

I have been so blessed. I have purpose, and I have Peace at Last. I pray you find your place in God’s Kingdom also. It is available, I assure you. Just knock on His door. He WILL answer!

But when all is said and done, at the end of the day, I'm still just Hoagie's Daddy, and a man that is very greatful to his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ

HOAGIE DAWG

I END WITH THIS WISH AND PRAYER

ENOUGH

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear bigger.
I wish you God’s Grace,and “I pray God becomes your shield”

Song:All Of My Heart

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