Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear without turning around.

Midlife is when you bounce (alot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat!
Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too"!
Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

You know you are getting old when you go a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.
Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"

Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.
The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife. Jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.

Midlife is when your 1970's Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally(more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin)
Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.
You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions: What is life, why am I Here and how much Healthy Choice icecream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?~~~Unknown

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

OLD IS WHEN:
*Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
*You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
*Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
*Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
*An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
*A Friend Is Like A Good Bra -- Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

RED HAT TEN COMMANDMENTS
1. Thou shalt use thy Red Hat powers for good deeds (bring joy and laughter to all you meet).
2. Thou shalt eat thy favorite food, including chocolate. After all, diet is just a four letter word.
3. Thou shalt be kindred spirit in your sisterhood. Keep your confidences, and friendships strong.
4. Thou shalt put on the glitz! Wear purple glory, big red hats, flashy jewelry, feathers: be a Dame!
5. Thou shalt play. Be young in heart and mind and your body will follow--at least most of the time!
6. Thou shalt welcome the curious and explain the wonders of Red Hat to all who ask, especially small children and handsome men.
7.. Thou shalt accept the things you cannot change, big or small. We're good at rolling with the punches.
8. Thou shalt aspire to anything in life at any age. It's never to late to skydive.
9. Thous shalt honor thy age and the need to be a little bad.
10. Thou shalt repeat the first nine commandments, over and over and over.

OFFICIAL RED HAT FLOWER

DRAMA QUEEN POPPY