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2/10 - Ida |
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She who laughs...lasts
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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
New info on shampoos:
I just discovered this important info below. Please share with all your friends.
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!! It's the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and (duh!)
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!! Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.
Its label reads,
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone . . . I'll be in the shower!
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know crap?"
And then she went back to reading her book."
All arrivals in Heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
One day, the first applicant of the morning explained that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed," he began. "She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry, and I checked the shower and it was completely dry, too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, so I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and plummeted, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I found superhuman strength, and dragged our antique cedar chest to the balcony and threw it over. It landed right on the man and killed him instantly. At this moment, the stress finally got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office. The second applicant also said that his last day was the worst of his life. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the air-conditioning equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building, yet I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment. But some idiot came rushing out onto the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes -- and I survived! But as I looked up, I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way, but I was too slow, and the chest killed me."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room. He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. "I'm sorry for laughing," he said, "but no matter what story you tell me, I doubt that it will be as interesting as the one the last fellow just told me."
"I don't know" replied the man. "Picture this: I'm buck naked and hiding in this cedar chest..."
