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OCD Obsessive Compulsive Disorder | Suicide | Anxiety Disorders Phobias | Coping with Loss Bereavement and Grief | Controlling Anger Before It Controls You | Traits Of An Abuser | Making The Ultimate Choice | Rape In Marriage | Sexually Transmitted Diseases STD's |

The Foundation For Family Victims Of Substance Abuse

The Foundational FACTS

Helping Families in Crisis


OCD Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, also known as “OCD” causes people to suffer in silence and secrecy and can destroy relationships and the ability to work. It may bring on shame, ridicule, anger and intolerance from friends and family.

OCD plagues people with intrusive, unwanted thoughts or obsessions, which are rarely pleasant. People who have these obsessions recognize that they are senseless; however, they are still unable to stop them.

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OCD Thoughts:

  • Worry about becoming contaminated by dirt or germs and believe they will be tainted by touching doorknobs or common objects.

  • Fear of becoming violent or aggressive, or having an unreasonable fear of unintentionally harming people.

  • Struggling with blasphemous or distasteful sexual thoughts.

  • Become overly concerned about order, arrangement or symmetry.

    In an attempt to ease the anxiety related to their obsessions, people often develop ritualistic behaviors, called compulsions.

    Because victims of OCD realize their obsessive thoughts and behaviors are senseless and unnecessary, they may try to hide their problem. OCD affects as many as 2% of all Americans. Research indicates that, like Depression and Bipolar Disorder, OCD is caused by an imbalance of the neurotransmitter called Serotonin.

    Other research links the illness to biological responses to threats. According to this theory, healthy people become accustomed to a stimulus that although originally through to be a threat, turns out to be harmless. People with OCD, however never develop an “immunity” to the stimulus and continue to feel anxious. Over time, their anxiety develops into obsessions, which in turn give rise to compulsive behavior.

    Other theories focus on the psychological reactions to a traumatic incident during childhood, major stress and biological vulnerabilities that can be triggered by stress.

    Often family members can help the patient honor the terms of the treatment contract, and can also help to identify whether the patient is experiencing emotional difficulties such as:

  • Withdrawal from family and friends
  • Reappearance of repetitive behaviors
  • Constant questioning of own judgment
  • Taking longer with simple tasks
  • Increased tardiness

    It is important for family and friends to create a strong and supportive environment in which they learn to appreciate progress in their loved one’s functioning and view small improvements as a success. No one should have to suffer the painful symptoms of OCD alone or in silence; treatment is available. Keep the following in mind:

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    1. No one causes OCD in another, nor do people bring the illness upon themselves as a result of weak morals or character.

    2. Seek a complete evaluation with a licensed mental health professional who can accurately diagnose the disorder.

    3. Follow the treatment recommendations of your doctor and voice any concerns or questions.

    Remember: One of the most effective ways to cope with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is to learn as much as you can about it. By doing so you can help yourself and your loved one regain a healthy, fulfilling life.

    Suicide

    Suicide is a national crisis resulting in 32,000 deaths in the U.S. in 1994, and 110,000 hospitalizations for suicide attempts. It is estimated that the ratio of attempts is at least 10 to 1. Between 30-40% of suicide victims have made a previous attempt, and the risk of a completed suicide is 100 times greater in the first year after an attempt. Suicide is the eight leading cause of Death. A majority of people who commit suicide have mental or emotional disorders.

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    Warning Signs:

  • Comments which contain verbally threatening content such as “You’d be better off without me” or “Maybe I won’t be around anymore...”
  • Expressions of hopelessness and/or helplessness.
  • Previous suicide attempts
  • Daring and risk-taking behavior
  • Personality changes (i.e. withdrawal, aggression, moodiness).
  • Depression
  • Giving away prized possessions
  • Lack of interest in the future. Risk Factors For Suicide:

    The reasons behind suicide are difficult to define. Among the immediate motives are

  • Despair
  • Hopelessness
  • Illness
  • Humiliation
  • Loss of employment
  • Loss of a relationship
  • Death in the family
  • Guilt
  • Many different high risk groups and/or factors can lead a person to commit suicide:

    Depression - Between 30-70% of suicide victims suffered from major depression or bipolar disorder.

    Substance Abuse - It is estimated that 50% of suicides involve substance abuse. The rate of suicide in alcoholics is 3 to 4 times the average, and for narcotics users it is 5 times the average. Often, depression is also a factor in these cases and it is difficult to tell whether the addiction causes the depression or vise versa.

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    Elderly - Elderly people particularly those with chronic illnesses, have the highest suicide rate of any other age group. An estimated 40% of all suicide victims are people over 60, and the majority are white males. After age 75, the rate is 3 times the average and after age 80 the risk is 6 times the average.

    Adolescents/Young Adults - Young people, ages 15 to 24 account for 20% of male suicides, and 14% of female suicides. Suicide attempts are among the leading causes of hospital admissions in people under 35.

    Schizophrenia - 33% of People with Schizophrenia attempt suicide, and 5-10% eventually do so. The majority of these are young unemployed males with no families. They are usually isolated and may also have abuse problems.

    Preventing Suicide/Crisis Intervention

    Although most suicidal people usually do not call suicide and crisis hotlines, they do try to seek help. Mental health professionals need to react quickly and act decisively in a crisis situation. A Therapist should be available at all times, and others, such as family, friends, doctors, and clergy should be alerted as well.

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    What To Do If A Friend or Relative is Suicidal:

  • Trust your instincts and believe that the person may attempt suicide.
  • Talk with the person about your concerns and show that you care and want to help.
  • Ask the person direct questions. The more detailed their plan, the greater the immediate risk.
  • Remember that the most important things is to listen.
  • Get professional help even if the person resists.
  • Do not leave the person alone.
  • Do not act shocked or judge the person
  • Do not counsel the person.


    Anxiety Disorders Phobias

    Anxiety Disorders are not just a case of “NERVES.” You can’t overcome an anxiety disorder through will power. You can not ignore the symptoms or wish them away. These disorders cause you to feel anxious most of the time, making some everyday situations so uncomfortable that you may avoid them entirely. You may experience occasional instances of anxiety that are so terrifying and intense that you may be immobilized with fear.

    Specifically, Phobias affect as many as 12% of all Americans. They are the most common psychiatric illnesses in women and the 2nd most common in men over age 25. Phobias are not all the same.

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    The three main Phobia groups include:

    Agoraphobia which causes people to suffer anxiety about being in places or situations from which it might be difficult or embarrassing to escape-- such as being in a room full of people or in an elevator. In some cases, panic attacks can become so debilitating that the person may develop agoraphobia because they fear another panic attack. In extreme cases, a person with agoraphobia may be afraid to leave their homes.

    Specific or Simple Phobias produce intense fear of a particular object or situation that is, in fact relatively safe. People who suffer from specific phobias are aware that their fear is irrational, but the thought of facing the object or situation often brings on a panic attack or severe anxiety.

    Specific phobias strike more than 1 in 10 people. No one knows what causes them, though they seem to run in families and are slightly more prevalent in women. Specific phobias usually begin in adolescence or young adulthood. They start suddenly and tend to be more persistent than childhood phobias. Examples of specific phobias include persistent fear of dogs; insects, snakes, driving, heights, tunnels or bridges, thunderstorms, and /or flying.

    Social Phobias can produce fear of being humiliated or embarrassed in front of other people. This problem may also be related to feelings of inferiority and low self-esteem, and can drive a person to drop out of school, avoid making friends, and remain unemployed.

    Although this disorder is sometime thought to be shyness, it is not the same thing. Shy people do not experience extreme anxiety in social situations, nor do they necessarily avoid them. In contrast, people with Social Phobias can be at ease with people most of the time, except in particular situations. Often social phobias are accompanied by depression or substance abuse.

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    People suffering from Social Phobia may:

  • View small mistakes as more exaggerated than they really are.
  • Find blushing as painfully embarrassing
  • Feel that all eyes are on them Fear speaking in public, dating, or talking with persons in authority
  • Fear using public restrooms or eating out.
  • Fear talking on the phone or writing in front of others.

    There is hope, Behavioral Therapy and Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy are very effective in treating these disorders.

    Behavioral Therapy focuses on changing specific actions and uses different techniques to stop this behavior. One technique involves diaphragmatic breathing (which is a form of deep breathing). Another technique called Exposure Therapy gradually exposes the patient to the object or situation which frightens him/her and helps the patient to develop coping skills.

    Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy teaches the person new skills in order to react differently to the situations, which trigger the anxiety or panic attacks. Patients also learn to understand how their thinking patterns contribute to the symptoms and how to change their thinking to reduce or stop these symptoms.


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    Coping With Loss Bereavement and Grief

    The loss of a loved one is one of life’s most stressful events and can cause a major emotional crisis. After the death of someone you love, you will experience bereavement, which literally means, “to be deprived by death.”

    Knowing What To Expect

    When a death takes place, even when the death is expected, a wide range of emotions may be experienced. Many people report feeling an initial stage of numbness after first learning of a death, but there is no real order to the grieving process.

    Experiences include:

  • Denial
  • Yearning
  • Disbelief
  • Anger
  • Confusion
  • Humiliation
  • Shock
  • Despair
  • Sadness
  • Guilt

    These feelings are normal and are common reactions to loss. You may not be prepared for the intensity and duration of your emotions or how swiftly your moods may change. You may even begin to doubt the stability of your mental health. These feelings and expressions of powerful emotions help you come to terms with your loss.

    Remember: It takes time to fully absorb the impact of a major loss. You never stop missing your loved one, but the pain eases after time and allows you to go on with your life.

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    Mourning A Loved One

    You will mourn and grieve! Mourning is the natural process you go through to accept a major loss. Grieving is the outward expression of your loss. It is very important to allow yourself to express your feelings. Often death is a subject that is avoided, ignored or denied. At first it may seem helpful to separate yourself from the pain or ignore your feelings, but you cannot avoid grieving forever. Someday those buried feelings will need to be resolved or they may cause physical or emotional illness.

    Many people report physical symptoms that accompany grieve, and are common symptoms of acute grief.

  • Stomach jumping
  • Loss of appetite
  • Intestinal upsets
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Loss of energy

    Remember: All life’s stresses have repercussions, illnesses may worsen or new conditions may develop.

    Dealing with a Major Loss

    Your reactions are influenced by the relationship you had with the person who died or the circumstance of a death, particularly when it is sudden or accidental.

    A child’s death is very traumatic. In addition to the severe emotional shock, the death may cause potential financial crisis if a spouse dies who was the families main income source.

    Elderly people may be especially vulnerable when they lose a spouse because it means losing a lifetime of shared experiences.

    A loss due to suicide can be one of the most difficult losses to bear. It may leave the survivors with a tremendous burden of guilt, anger and shame. They may even feel responsible for the death. Seeking counseling as a family unit during the first weeks after the suicide is particularly beneficial and advisable.

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    Living with Grief

    The best thing you can do is allow yourself to grieve.

  • Seek out caring people
  • Find relatives and friends who can understand your feeling of loss.
  • Join support groups with others who are experiencing similar losses.
  • Express your feelings. Tell others what you are feeling; helps you work through the grieving process.
  • Take care of your health. Be sure to eat well and get plenty of rest.
  • Be aware of the danger of developing a dependence on medication or alcohol to deal with your grief.
  • Postpone major life changes. Try to hold off on making any major changes, such as moving, marrying, changing jobs, or having another child. You should give yourself time to adjust to your loss.
  • Seek outside help when necessary. It is a sign of strength, not weakness to seek help.
  • Be patient. It can take months or even years to absorb a major loss and accept your changed life.

    Remember: It takes effort to begin to live again in the present and not dwell on the past.

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    Helping Others Grieve

  • Share the sorrow. Allow them, even encourage them to talk.
  • Don’t offer false comfort, instead offer simple expressions of sorrow and take the time to listen.
  • Offer practical help: Baby-sitting, cooking and running errands are ways to help. Make yourself available to talk.
  • Don’t hesitate to recommend professional help when you feel someone is experiencing too much pain to cope alone.

    Remember: Be patient! It can take a long time to recover from a major loss.

    Helping Children Grieve

    Children who experience a major loss may grieve differently than adults. A parent’s death can be particularly difficult for small children. Often they are confused about the changes they see, particularly if well-meaning adults try to protect them from the truth or from their surviving parent’s display of grief.

    Young children may revert to earlier behaviors:

  • Bed-wetting
  • Ask questions about the deceased that seem insensitive
  • Invent games about dying or pretend that the death never happened.
  • Angry outburst or criticism only deepen a child’s anxiety and delay recovery.
  • Talk honestly with children, in terms they can understand.
  • Take extra time to talk with them about death and the person who has died.
  • Help them work through their feelings.

    Remember: Children are looking to adults for suitable behavior.

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    Controlling Anger Before It Controls You

    What is Anger?

    Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. We've all felt anger; perhaps as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage. When anger gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems: problems at work, in your personal relationships and in the overall quality of your life. Anger can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion.

    Signs and Causes of Anger - Like other emotions, anger is accompanied by physiological and biological changes. When you feel angry your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as does the level of your energy hormones.

    Anger can be caused by both external and internal event. You could be angry at a specific person (such an a co-worker or supervisor) or at an event (a traffic jam or a canceled flight) or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about personal problems. Also memories of traumatic or enraging events can trigger angry feelings.

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    Problems Caused By Unexpressed Anger - Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head -on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting other down, criticizing everything and making cynical comments are displaying signs that they haven't learned how to constructively express their anger.

    Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others - Some people really are more "hotheaded" than others; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk or get physically ill.

    People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologist call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply, that they feel that they should not have to be subject to frustration, inconvenience or annoyance. They can't take things in stride and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust, such as, being corrected for a minor mistake.

    Possible Causes Of Anger - One cause my be genetic or physiological. There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another cause may be socio-cultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic and un-skilled in emotional communication.


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    Express Your Angry Feelings In A Positive Way

    You can't get rid of your feelings of anger, nor can you avoid the things or the people that enrage you, you can’t change them, but you can learn to control your emotions. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing and calming.

    1. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive -- not aggressive -- manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding. It means being respectful of yourself and others.

    2. Suppressing anger and redirecting it. This happens when you hold in your anger, allow yourself to stop thinking about it an focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, (high blood pressure) or depression.

    3. Calming yourself down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate calm yourself down and let the feeling subside.

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    Tips For Controlling Your Anger

    Relaxation - Practice these techniques and learn to use them when you're in a tense situation.

  • Breathe deeply, from your "gut"; breathing from you chest won't relax you.
  • Slowly repeat a word or phrase such as "relax", or "take it easy" as you deep breathe.
  • Visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or you imagination.
  • Try non-strenuous, slow moving exercises to relax your muscles and calm you.

    Change The Way You Think - Angry people tend to curse, (swear) or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "Oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything’s ruined, "tell yourself,” It’s frustrating and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it is not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyway". Try replacing angry irrational thoughts with more rational ones.

    Be cautious using words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. Statements like "This !$%&@ machine NEVER works, " or "you're ALWAYS forgetting things" are inaccurate, and serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there is no way to solve the problem. Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it is justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective.

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    Learn To Problem Solve - Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and unavoidable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties, There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. It may be better to think about coping with the problem rather than finding a solution, which may not exist.

    Try To Communicate More Effectively - Angry people tend to jump to and act on conclusions. Some of these conclusions may not be based in fact. The first thing to do, if you're in a heated discussion, is to slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. Listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.

    Look for what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden or an albatross around your neck. It's natural to get defensive when you are criticized; but don't respond right back, instead listen to what's underlying the words you may find the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger - or a partner's anger, allow a discussion to spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.

    Use Humor When Appropriate - Two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.

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    What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.

    Change Your Environment - Sometimes our immediate surroundings give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel "trapped"; making you resentful towards people and things that you perceive as forming the "trap"

    Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful.

    Other Tips For Releasing Yourself From Anger-Producing Situations

  • Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night (perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit) try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.
  • Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door.
  • Finding Alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project-- learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic, or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.

    Do You Need Counseling? If you feel that your anger is really out of control and it is having an impact on both your relationships and important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to find our how to handle it better.


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    Traits Of An Abuser

    Physical Abuse

  • Pushed or shoves victim
  • Holds victim to keep victim from leaving
  • Slaps or bites victim
  • Kicks or chokes victim
  • Hit, punched or stomped victim
  • Throws objects at victim
  • Locks victim in or out of the house
  • Abandoned victim in a dangerous place
  • Refused to help when victim was sick, injured or pregnant
  • Subjected victim to reckless driving
  • Forced victim off the road or kept victim from driving, thrown victim out
  • Raped victim
  • Threatened or hurt victim with a weapon or object

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    Sexual Abuse

  • Being jealous, angry, accuses victim of having sex with another person
  • Insisted victim dress in a more sexual way than victim wanted
  • Minimized the importance of victim feelings about sex
  • Criticized victim sexually
  • Insisted on unwanted and uncomfortable touching
  • Withheld sex and affection
  • Called victim sexual names like "whore", "slut", or "frigid"
  • Had affairs
  • Forced to have sex with him or others, or forced to watch or perform sex acts
  • Forced sex after beating, too soon after pregnancy or illness
  • Forced sex with objects or weapons to hurt victim

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    Emotional Abuse

  • Ignored victim feelings, ridiculed or insulted victim; humiliated victim
  • Withheld approval, appreciation or affection as a form of punishment
  • Criticized, shouted called victim names, insulted or drove away victims friends or family
  • Refused to socialize with victim
  • Kept victim from working, controlled victims money, made all the decisions
  • Refused to work, took car keys
  • Threatened to leave or told victim to leave, lied to victim
  • Threatened to hurt victim or victim’s family, destroyed victim’s property
  • Punished or deprived the children when they were angry at victim
  • Threatened to kidnap the children
  • Created such a stir at work that victim were fired

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    Characteristics An Abuser May Display

  • Blames outside forces for problems
  • Jealous, often to extremes
  • Aggressive
  • Minimizes their own actions
  • Denies responsibility for actions
  • Lies without shame
  • Often self critical
  • Threatens suicide
  • Depressed
  • Resolves problems physically
  • Lack of concern/understanding for other people's problems
  • Makes unrealistic demands
  • Often abuses drugs or alcohol
  • Cannot cope with even minor problems
  • Finds it hard to get along
  • Manipulative
  • Shows little concern for society's values or for fitting in to society.
  • Shows women no respect as equals.
  • Expresses everything in sexual terms
  • Defies all limits; often in trouble with the law
  • Past history of violent behavior
  • Low tolerance for stress
  • Always wants to be in control
  • Unable to maintain intimacy
  • Exhibits contempt for women.

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    The Abuser May Tell Victim...

  • Victim is not so miserable. We have a good life.
  • Victim is asking for it when victim makes them crazy.
  • They don't get like this with anyone else.
  • Victim must stay because the victim can't make it on their own.
  • I'll change.
  • If victim leaves, I'll find someone else... someone better than victim.
  • I was drunk. I didn't know what I was doing.
  • I just can't control my temper
  • If victim leaves, I'll take the children away form victim.
  • If victim leaves, I'll kill victim.
  • If victim leaves the kids will hate victim.
  • Victim’s family (or friends) are a bad influence on victim.
  • Victim so fat ( or dumb or uneducated) that I'm the only one who'd put up with victim.
  • We love each other!

    But the truth is... Abuse is a tool to gain power and control over victim and to minimize their own doubts, fears and insecurities.

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    Making The Ultimate Choice

    The ultimate choice that you will face is whether to stay in an Abusive Relationship, in an attempt to try to make the relationship work or whether to leave. You may have separated on more than one occasion in the past only to change your mind and return. You may have felt weak, stupid or like you were asking for punishment because you decided to go home and later found yourself being abused again. Do Not Let Self Blame Immobilize You! It is not unusual for battered and abused women to leave their partners a number of times. Often the decision to return to the abuser is the result of intentional and skillful manipulation. No matter what you have done in the past, you have the right to make new choices based on the updated information and experiences which you now have. It is important that you forgive yourself and be ready to take assertive action to protect yourself and your children now.

    Before you make a decision to stay and give it one last try in a relationship where you are being abused, please consider these facts about woman abuse:

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  • We know that battering without outside help becomes more frequent and severe over time.
  • The idea that spousal abuse is a private matter which can be resolved without outside intervention is a myth. The passage of time or cooling of tempers will not end the abuse.
  • Batterers are not able to permanently keep their promises to stop abusing. Promises are a form of manipulation designed to keep you in line and to prevent you from leaving.
  • There is no guarantee that even with the best counseling your abuser will be able to change their behavior. Most batterers resist counseling and deny their need for professional help. Many will not follow through with counseling long enough to make a lasting change in their attitudes, feelings, and behaviors. Remember that the promise of counseling is not the same as actually doing it and making the changes needed for counseling to be effective.
  • Every member of the family is a victim, witnessing the children, abused and abuser deteriorate mentally, emotionally and physically every day that the abuse continues.
  • Thousands of women are killed or seriously injured every year by their abusers.
  • You deserve the love, fulfillment and happiness that a healthy, nurturing relationship can bring.

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    Now Is The Time For You To Make A Decision To Change Your Situation And To Reach Out For Help!

    What To Do If You Decide To Stay.

    If you decide to stay in, or return to an abusive situation, here are some things you can do to protect yourself:

  • Encourage your abuser to seek counseling. Marriage or couples therapy is not appropriate for violent couples. In fact it often places the victim in greater danger. Once the violence has ceased completely and your abuser has accepted the responsibility for the violence of his behavior, you may wish to try joint therapy.

    Battering is not a marriage problem, it is a behavioral disorder.

  • Build as strong a support system as you can. Keep your friends; be sure they know the situation so they will not disbelieve you when you need help.
  • Become as financially independent as you can.
  • Be as socially active as you can and encourage your children to do the same. Try to have them and yourself involved in church and school activities.
  • Join a Support Group focusing on Overcoming Abusive relationships

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    Make an escape plan. This may be the most valuable piece of advice you will read here because it is almost a certainty that you will be abused again. Having a plan just might save your life. Any plan you devise should include:

    1. Access to a hidden set of car keys, if you have a car.

    2. Hidden money. Even if you are the only able to stash away a dollar or two at a time it will add up and be better than not having any money at all. Keep the location a secret even from your children, they might let it slip.

    3. Place a suitcase with a couple of days essentials such as clothes, diapers, toiletries and nonperishable snacks for the children. This emergency pack should include birth certificates, social security cards and a spare drivers license. Leave them with a trusted friend.

    4. If packing a suitcase is not possible, use a trash bag and stash it in a secure dry place. Be creative.

    5. Develop a plan for calling the police in an emergency. Even the youngest children should be trained to dial 9-1-1. If your phone has been disabled, coach your kids on running to the neighbor's house or a nearby store.

    Treat yourself well. Develop a positive way of talking to and looking at yourself. Use positive affirmations to counteract the negative things the abuser may say to you. Be your own best friend, allow yourself time to do the things you enjoy.

    Learn non-violent ways of disciplining your children. It is easy to pass aggression from the abuser, to the victim, to small helpless children. Do not reinforce the idea, that violence is the way to deal with undesirable behavior or to resolve differences with your young children. Be realistic and understand that if they continue to have an abuser as a role model that they will pattern behavior after the abuser also. Counteract as much of it as you can.

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    Understanding Why Abuse Happens

    When you think about your own relationship, ask yourself the following questions:

  • Does the abusers anger seem out of proportion to what has actually been said or done?
  • When other things are getting to the abuser are you the one they take it out on?
  • Did you ever feel that the abuser was just looking for an excuse to start a fight?
  • Do the reasons the abuser gives for acting this way seen unfair or not make sense to you?
  • Are they abusive no matter what you do to please them?
  • To live up to their demands, would you have to be someone very different than the person you really are? If you answered yes, you can see that their behavior is not something you make happen

    How Does Living in an Abusive home Affect Your Children?

  • Experts agree that the next generation of abusers and victims will come from those who have witnessed abuse or been abused themselves.
  • Viewing family violence is considered to be a form of non-physical abuse.
  • If a mother lives in domestic violence, she is more likely to abuse her children... eight times more likely.
  • 63% of abusers witnessed their fathers abusing their mothers.
  • The more a child is physically punished the more likely he/she is to be involved in marital violence as an adult.
  • Spanking children may teaches those children that the person who loves them the most has a right to physically abuse them. Know and teach them the difference between discipline and abuse.

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    Rape In Marriage

    What is Marital Rape?

    Marital rape is the term used to describe nonconsensual sexual act between a woman and her husband, ex-husband, or intimate long-term partner. These sexual acts can include: intercourse, anal or oral sex, forced sexual behavior with other individuals, and other unwanted, painful and humiliating sexual activities.

    Types of Marital Rape:

    Battering Rape- Involves forced sex combined with beatings. This type of sexual assault is primarily motivated by anger toward the victim.

    Force-Only Rape- Husbands use only as much force as necessary to coerce their wives into sex. This type of sexual assault is primarily motivated by the need for power over the victim.

    Obsessive Rape- The husband's sexual interests run toward the strange and perverse, and they are willing to use force to carry these activities out. (This is similar to sadistic rape; however, the emphasis is on the obsession rather than the sadism).

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    Myth: "Marital rape isn't as serious as rape by a stranger; it's just one spouse not being in the mood and the other spouse insisting."

    Fact: Marital rape is just as violent, just as degrading, and often, more traumatic than rape by a stranger. It may be perpetrated using weapons, like knives, or at gunpoint, repeatedly, brutally, and in front of others. Most often it is the final violent act in a series of physical abuses.

    Myth: "Marital rape isn't offensive. After all, they have had sexual intercourse before. What's one more time?"

    Fact: A person raped by a stranger has to live with the memory of that experience. A person raped by a spouse has to live with the rapist. Many victims trapped in a reign of terror experience repeated sexual assaults over a number of years. The trust and intimacy in a marriage is destroyed when the person who has promised to love and protect you, and on whom you may be economically dependent upon, commits such a brutal and violent crime.

    Myth: "When someone marries, consent to sexual intercourse is part of the marriage contract."

    Fact: Sexual expression of love is one thing. Forced, brutalized sex is another. No one consents to violence by marrying nor do they waive their right to protection.

    Myth: "If prosecutions are allowed for marital rape, a lot of innocent spouses will have rape charges filed against them by angry, vengeful spouses who hope to bargain for a better property settlement in a divorce action."

    Fact: This myth is built on the ill-founded belief that people are innately vengeful and willing to go through the tortures of a courtroom trial in order to "get back" at their spouses. There are many other types of complaints which a spouse could file in retaliation that would require less public exposure and trauma. Further, our legal system has built- in mechanisms to determine the merits of a compliant. Police investigators, prosecutor discretion and jury deliberation are employed to learn if a criminal charge is true or false. Why should marital rape be treated differently?

    Myth: "Marital rape is simply one spouse's word against the other. It would be difficult to prosecute and hard to prove.

    Fact: Difficulty in prosecution should not determine whether something is a crime. Treason, conspiracy, child abuse, and incest are also difficult to prove but nevertheless should be prosecuted.

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    Marital Rape and the Law

    All Marital Rape Exemptions were done away with in Texas on September 1, 1994. A victim of Marital Rape can make charges in the same manner as other sexual assaults cases. This is done by making a report to the proper law enforcement authorities. The interview and examination process are the same as with other types of sexual assault.

    There have been Marital Rape cases successfully prosecuted in the United States, however only a small percentage of these cases actually make it to a criminal trial. On a more encouraging note, according to the National Clearinghouse on Marital and Date Rape the prosecution rate is considerable higher than for non-marital rape cases. Other women have chosen to sue their husbands in civil court for financial compensation for their injuries and suffering.

    Why Is Marital Rape So D A M A G I N G To The Survivor?

    Women who are raped by someone they share a life, home and even family with experience profound psychological injuries. They are not only violated sexually but, their intimate relationship has been betrayed as well. Many victims of marital rape have to cope with a deep seated lack of trust in their partners; acute fear, coupled with self-doubt and the overwhelming reality that this sexual attack is likely to happen again. Research has shown that survivors of marital rape are much more likely to be victimized on multiple occasions than victims of stranger or acquaintance rape. These facts are combined with the reality that most Americans still view marital rape as being "less harmful" than stranger rape, so a survivor may experience limited support from others.

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    Sexually Transmitted Diseases STD's

    Sexually Transmitted Diseases

    Diseases that are transmitted from one person to another through sexual contact. Sexually transmitted diseases may be transmitted through vaginal, anal, and oral sexual encounters.

    The most commonly recognized Sexually Transmitted Diseases are Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and HIV/Aids. There are also many other diseases that can cause problems years later.

    Herpes

    Herpes simplex is a viral infection that causes sores around the mouth and genitals. It has probably existed for at least 2000 years. The Herpes simples virus (HSV) is a member of a family of herpes viruses which also cause mononucleosis, chickenpox, and shingles.

    There are two types of HSV, HSV I which usually causes oral herpes (cold sores) and HSV II which causes genital herpes (the sores can also be found around the genitals, anus, thighs, buttocks of abdomen. depending on where the virus entered the body during intimate contact.

    The virus is usually spread when the infected person has sores present. Herpes can also be contracted if any part of the body comes in direct contact with a herpes sore. However it is risky to have sexual contact with someone whether they have sores or not.

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    Both HSV I and II have the same symptoms. (sometimes the symptoms are so mild that they go unnoticed). The first outbreak of herpes is usually the most painful and may begin with a burning, tingling or itching sensation. After these symptoms occur, blister like bumps may appear on or near the genitals. These will soon break open and become painful sores (lesions). The first outbreak will usually begin 2-29 days after being infected with the herpes virus, but can be much later. Initial infection may last 14-28 days; often the lymph nodes in the groin may be enlarged during the initial outbreak, fever, vaginal discharge, pain while urinating, fatigue or headache are other symptoms.

    The lesions will heal slowly and rarely leave scars, (subsequent outbreaks may not be as painful and are shorter in duration from 5-14 days). Initial signs such as burning, itching, or tingling at the site where the sores will occur (usually in the same place each time) or pain in the legs or thighs may be noticed 24-48 hours before sores appear. See a doctor if you feel you may have these symptoms. Acyclovir, a prescription drug, is currently the only FDA approved medication being used for herpes patients.

    Chlamydia

    Chlamydia is a curable (early treatment is vital) Sexually Transmitted disease that affects millions of people. Babies can get Chlamydia at birth if the mother has it. It is estimated that 50 to 70 percent of women, and 30 percent of men with Chlamydia have no symptoms. If untreated Chlamydia can be very harmful for both men and women, since it can have no symptoms until they have severe health problems. In women, Chlamydia can cause PID Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, a serious infection of the sex organs, Sterility, and problems during pregnancy that can be fatal. In men it can cause severe pain in the penis and testicles, sterility, joint pain, eye infections, and liver, heart or bladder problems. Babies can be born with Chlamydia, and may have eye, ear and lung problems.

    It is possible to have Chlamydia and another STD at the same time, and they may require different medications.

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    Hepatitis C

    Hepatitis C is a liver disease, but is being listed among STD to raise awareness, that it can be contracted through sexual contact. The Hepatitis C Virus is the primary cause of parenterally (non-orally) transmitted hepatitis, (which was called non-a, non-b hepatitis). Like the hepatitis B virus, the hepatitis C virus may be spread through contact with contaminated blood or through household or sexual contact with an infected person. Transfusion recipients, dialysis patients, and intravenous-drug users are among those at greatest risk of hepatitis C infection. Hepatitis C can cause life ending liver disease, and there is no cure at this time.

    For more information on Hepatitis C contact:

  • American Liver Foundation - www.liverfoundation.org
  • Hep C Connection - www.hepc-connection.org
  • Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) Hepatitis
  • Branch - www.cdc.gov/hepatitis

    (Fact Sheet information provided by: National Mental Health Association)

    The Foundation For Family Victims Of Substance Abuse understands the feeling of helplessness when a family member or friend suffers from this type of disorder. If you desire prayer for a loved one or yourself, you may contact the Foundation’s 24 Hour Hot Line at (817) 773-3641.


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