GUARD HUMOR

Colorguard Humor

Common Guard Diseases
Luvtospinnitus: A disorder of the hands, arms, and in worse cases, the whole body.
Symptoms include: constant spinning of flags, pencils, brooms, etc. When none of the above are available, patients will air flag old routines. It is also common for them to make up random routines to music that comes on the radio. Most patients experience terrible withdrawl symptoms when no object can be found to spin, in which case they will be a danger to themselves and others.
Cures: A few have tried to break loved ones of the habit by locking them in a room with only a stick covered in spikes. The theory being of course that the pain would motivate the patient to cease spinning. So far, this has proven uneffective seeing as guard members are accustomed to grueling pain.

Equipmentizrealophrenia: A disease of the brain which causes patients to believe their guard equipment are real living things.
Symptoms include: Naming, carefully cradling, or petting equipment. People with this disorder tend to be very defensive when anyone wants to touch or hold their flag, rifle, sabre, etc. They are also known to sometimes have conversations with the equiment, such as giving them pep-talks before performances or the like.
Cure: There is no noted cure as of yet A select few specialists recommend taking a break from guard, although this cannot be proven effective as no colorguard members will agree to the test.

Empty Hand Syndrome(EHS): Very similar to ENS (Empty Nest Syndrome), only patients aren't upset about leaving home, they're sorrowful for leaving guard. Most of the people affected are high school or college seniors, although some underclassmen are only mourning the upcoming off-season.
Symptoms include: Crying, mild depression, and requesting extra practices so they will have an excuse to stay longer and spin. Some patients also start to develop extreme attachments to their equipment, causing them to experience the beginning stages of Equipmentizrealophrenia. This is caused by the realization that their future months or years will be guardless.
Cure: Constant support. Make sufferers feel appreciated and loved, and help them to realize that they'll have plenty of time for guard when they return as the instructor/coach.

Percussionluvitis (PLI): A disease where guard members (Girls in particular) become love struck over those hot percussion members (We hate em, yet we love em....)
Symptoms include: Constant drooling, the inabilty to concentrate, and the uncontrollable desire to date a percussion member or fantasies about such.
Cure: Having a same-sex guard and percussion works on a rare basis. However, this is not highly recommended because it has been found that guard members will just find another section in the band to drool over. Some even become desperate enough to date OUTSIDE of the band. (Scary, I know...)

The *HIT* point system
Another flag = 0 points.
A flute = 10 points.
A clarinet = 10 points.
A saxophone = 15 points.
A trumpet = 20 points.
A trombone = 25 points.
A baritone = 35 points.
A sousaphone = 50 points.
A drummer = 55 points.
A drum major = 65 points.
The band director...Run!

Colorguard Dictionary
AIR-FLAGGING IT - when you do your routine minus the flags or other props, just the movement, an imaginary flag/rifle/sabre, whatever. Usually done at practices
BAND GEEK- one who lives in the band room, is obsessed w/ band, and is crazy
BOLT- metal in the top of a crutch tip that weights the flag
BOOB TWIRLER-someone who does drop spins up high at their chest
BRAIN FART- any mistake made by a member of the guard
BRAIN SUCKING- when a guard member does not know the works and she watches others to do the work
BUS MACKING- extreme flirting that goes on riding home after a great competition
BUTT- end of a rifle
BUZZ KILL- when you expect a great guard show, and it turns out they suck
CAR WASH- when flag work is totally not together and it looks like you can drive your car through it
CATTLE GUARD- derogatory term for the guard
CG's - short for colorguard
CHICKEN WALK- jazz runs
CLAM-A MISTAKE- someone who is making alot of mistakes is said to be eating clam chowder
COLOR-G - short for Color-Guard
COME NAKED- don't come in uniform
CONCUSSION- percusssion
COP-A-SQUAT- for one to squat down and take a knee during practice
CORN COB- someone who walks like they march, even when football season is over
CORNDOG- when the flag gets stuck over the end of the pole
DIAG- diagnal
DIVA - a person who can utilize ANY piece of equipment and use their body as well to make it look like an effortless thing
DOUBLE TIME- spins where you do down flat, up flat...
DO IT UP-to do well
DOUGHGIRL- name given to one who is gasping for air after warm up or stretching
DRILL- 1.)Usually the routine 2.)Also could be a warm up 3.)Or a set in a song
DROP SPINS- the fundamentals to work, up and down spins
DUMMERS- term used about the drummers
DUM-DUMS- same as dummers
DOWN SYNDROME- when you sit down for a long time and can't get back up
ELVIRA- the one guard senior that always yells at you
FAKE IT- to look like you know the work, while trying to remember drill at the same time
FISH- when a saber or rifle wobbles in the air
FLAG FEATURE- intense, unison flag work together.. no solos
FLAGLINGS - new recruits to the colorguard (otherwise known as "newbies")
FLAGGOT- nickname for the guard, a member of the band who wants to secretly join guard, and can do the work better than us
FLASH FLOOD- what happens when a weapon can't hold back, and the entire work gets watered down
FROSH- freshmen
FUNDIES- fundamentals
GET IT- usually yelled after someone did something amazing
HELICOPTER- parallel toss
KANGAROO- a person who bounces, or jumps while jazz running
LACKADAISICAL- unfocused, zoned out
'LANGLE - to remind each other to keep your heads up! (at an 'L' angle if you put your fingers in an 'L' shape and hold it up to your chin)
LOLLIGAGGING-guard members (or band) that justs isn't giving their full 100% during practice..talking or not rolling feet..etc..
MARIONETTE- the drum major who is a puppet for the band while the drummers and guard really keep the band together
PARK AND BLOW- the part in the show where you just stand there and spin, no marching
PEGGY SPINS- double time spins except you grab over and under instead of flat
RIFLE SQUAT- to sit down and lean on the butt of the rifle
RIPPLE- when something isn't together but is suppose to be
ROCK THE FLOOR- perform
ROOKIES- people new to the guard experience
SAIL- When the silk of the flag wraps itself around
the pole no longer exposing it SHITTAY- a grand pleay in second position while sticking your butt out like you're going to the bathroom
SHUT 'ER DOWN- to end practice
SILK- the flag
SPACETTE- the girl who leaves a huge hole between them and the next person and never fixes it
SPEED SPINS-double time (down, parallel, up, parallel)
STIR THE SOUP- like a crazy 8 (front 45, back 45, cross over, shoulder hip)
STOPPER- rubber end of a pole...holds the bolt in place
URINATION VACATION- when someone goes to pee and never reterns WALDO- the person who wanders off and nobody can find him
WONDER GIRL- the new guardie who totally blows you away, can toss a 6, & gets captain her first year

Is colorguard your life? Take this quiz to find out!
1) If stranded on a desert island you would need:
a) A saber-to spin, and take out your aggression that you havent been rescued yet
b) music- so you could dance
c) a cell phone so you could call someone and get rescued

2) If someone told you had to either quit colorguard or be shot you would
a) be shot-with out guard you might as well me dead
b) try and fight them off
c) quit

3) Your best friends are:
a) in guard or band
b) some in guard or band some in other activities
c) not in guard at all

4) How many times have you hit yourself with a flag or saber?
a) more times than I can count, but its worth it
b) more times than I care to remember-I hate it when that happens
c) I never hit myself

5) When Winter Guard season ends you:
a) cry
b) sleep
c) rejoice

6) if the world ended tomorrow you would want to be with:
a) your flag and your friends
b) your family and friends
c) your family and dog

7) Your idol is:
a) your guard instructor
b) your big sister(who told you to be in guard)
c) I don't have an idol

8) this webpage shows:
a) dedication!
b) having way too much free time
c) insane obsession

RESULTS!
If you picked mostly A's you are a true guard girl spinning is your life and you are proud of it!
If you picked mostly B's, are you considering quitting? you like it but do you LOVE it?
If you picked mostly C's OK, you are not in guard I don't know why you are pretending.

Colorguard Quotes

-The heart and soul of every performer is fueled by the desire to take the emotion out of the crowd and replace it with the fury in the best performance of their life
-Breath in the music and breath out your performance
-If it's gonna hurt, it better leave a mark
-Toss high, dance hard, color guard!
-You'll soon forget the practices, but you will always remember the performances
-To simply spin is not enough to be great- to perform what you spin is what makes you great
-Their not "poles", their FLAGS! Their not "swords", their SABRES! Their not "guns", their RIFLES! We don't "twirl", we SPIN! We don't "throw", we TOSS!! GET IT RIGHT OR GET OUT OF MY FACE!!!
- Love it, do it, live it, spin it
-Girl one day that sabre is gonna jump up off the floor and slap you in the face
- Born to toss....hope to catch
- Colorguard...to those who understand, no explanation needed....To those who don't, no explanation possible
-Rehearse the same way you plan to perform, that way when you perform its just like rehersal
- There are 2 types of people in this world, those who spin and those who wish they could
-A job is nice but interferes with my guard life
-Never underestimate people in large groups with weapons
-Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened
-Colorguard: Sweet little girls...With big metal sticks
-Beginnings are scary, ends are sad but it's the middle that counts the most
-Good, better, best; never let it rest till your good is better and your better is best
-Is the guard ready?
- You can never possibly catch a flag/rifle/ sabre if you are always thinking of ways to drop it
- Practice does not make perfect... only perfect practice makes perfect
-The most important thing you'll wear today is your expression
-Once a guardie, always a guardie
-A guard that counts together stays together
-No one said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it
-I'd rather be in a guard with no life, than in a life with no guard
-I was drunk when I joined guard
-Pain is weakness leaving the body
- The next time you see somebody at the top of a mountain... remember, they didn't fall there
-The harder you work the harder it is to surrender
-An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it
-Share what you know, learn what you dont
-The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary
-Colorguard is a halftime show with a band that won't stand still

*Humor collected from various sources in the public domain.*